Chapter 117
" Is it because I brought up the issue with your mum? Is that why you're being like this?"
" Like what?"
" I don't know..... different?"
I walked over to the other side of the room and leaned against the wall right next to the window, them I crossed my arms and pegged him with a razor sharp stare. He wasn't going to turn things around.
" You got wasted at some party the evening before school. Used fucking cocaine like some reckless addict -"
" I'm not an addict! And I already told it was just the one time. "
Even if he was telling the truth and it really had been his first time, there was no way to be sure that he wouldn't do it again.
" That's how it starts Austin, next thing you know you can't even focus without a fix. "
" I already apologized.."
" You should know better! I don't need an apology, "
" Then what do you want? "
I thought about it. He looked away and completely avoided my gaze. I realized that we had never really argued in such an intense manner. It wasn't even about the words, it was more about the energy radiating between us. One could just feel the tension, it was sharp enough to slice. And I was actually trying my best to be subtle, he deserved to have sense forced into him, but he would definitely turn into a ticking time bomb. He'd hurt himself which would in turn hurt me.
The perfect example of a toxic relationship. And the worst part was that I couldn't let him go, but perhaps....
" I think we need some space -"
His head shot up immediately, his eyes flooded with raw fear and a look that very much resembled betrayal. Like he couldn't believe I had actually just said what I had. That I had dared to go that far. But despite not wanting to, I knew it was what we needed. He had to go and think things through, to sort himself out because he was definitely not okay mentally. He had issues with his temper and I didn't think I was gonna be able to fix them for him.
" Come on, it's not that bad. "
" Yes it is, "
" You can't just decide that! We don't need any fucking space!"
We did though. I wasn't letting him go, I wasn't that crazy, I'd be checking up on him as usual, but he really needed to go work through his issues.
" You have to sort your shit out, "
" Why are you exaggerating everything? Okay, what I did was stupid and immature, but-"
" This isn't just about yesterday, I wish it was but it's not."
I would have probably forgiven him and chosen to move on had that been the only problem, but there was so much more. His intense jealousy problem was one of them, then the entire thing with him not really caring about school. I didn't care how rich they were, even if he made good money with the races and everything, he still needed to put some degree of effort in his studies. And I wasn't even going to start on how he behaved whenever he was at home.
It had been years since his mum died, it was time to move on. And plus according to what he had told me, the only other reason he had been so short tempered was my moving away. Well, that was fixed, so why was he still like that? I brought it all up, and he couldn't tell me he had his temper under control because he didn't. Just the previous week he had gotten into a mix-up with some group of kids at school. They had started it from what I'd heard, but he could have still walked away. I hadn't even mentioned it to him because I had become so used to that part of him. I was in my own way encouraging him by not trying to make him change.
So despite how difficult it was for me, I had to put my foot down and do what I knew was right, for his sake. But he didn't appreciate any of it. The more I tried to reason out with him the angrier he got, and eventually he stood up and strode out the door. I started going after him, but once I got to the door I stopped. If I did catch up with him, I'd feel guilty and perhaps even end up apologizing, and then I'd just hug him and we'd go back to how things were. And so I let him go.
" If you care about me at all you won't do anything irrational." I texted him. And a little while later, after he had read the message and decided not to respond, I sent him another one.
" You know I love you Austin, that's exactly why I'm doing this. "
He probably wouldn't see things that way. But as long as I reminded him of how I felt. The rest of that day I felt completely awful, I just kept thinking about him over and over. I even lost the battle with myself and ended up calling him just to make sure he was okay. If anything happened to him it would be my fault entirely and I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself. Kira called to ask why I hadn't gone to school and I told her I wasn't feeling well. It was a lie and she knew it, even pointed it out and asked me what was really going on.
" You're with Austin, aren't you? Where're you guys?"
I didn't respond, she assured me I didn't have to tell her anything if I didn't want to. But i could sense just how curious she was. I asked her to send me the notes on whatever they had learnt that day, then I hung up. I wasn't going to mention anything that had happened to anyone. It was purely between Austin and I. I couldn't even focus on the books I was trying to read, so I gave up and put them away. I felt cooped up at home so I went outside, deciding to take a walk to clear my head. And as I was walking I started wondering whether I had actually done the right thing. It was the guilt and the worry that was taking over. I even contemplated going over to his place just to ensure he was actually okay.
Not knowing whether or not I had made the right choice was tearing me up. Because perhaps I was also making a mistake and overthinking everything. Maybe I ought to have stayed by his side despite it all.
I suddenly started wishing I had someone to talk to about it all. Max was at school so I couldn't bother him, and he wasn't even the best at giving advice. And there was no way I was telling Kira anything. I loved her and valued our friendship but there was just no way.
And the other had only been an option I considered, but it somehow ended up being the one I went with.
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" I never expected to hear from you again. Couldn't help but notice you blocked me literally everywhere, "
" I did what?"
I sighed and pressed my palm to my forehead.
" Austin, " I muttered to myself before I shook my head. I had thought he'd just deleted the chats and his number, so hearing he'd also blocked him was another surprise I hadn't expected.
" The boyfriend?"
I nodded. Then I thought of a way to start up the conversation. We were at a coffee shop,his suggestion actually. And he must have gone there a lot because he seemed pretty well acquainted with the place. And we were seated at this booty that was closed off from the main part, there were like three more of the same kind. And they offered a lot of privacy. The angle he was seated kept him from the direct sight of everyone else. I was glad his phone number was fairly simple, and I had a thing for number so I ended up recalling most of them. But I had messed it up on the first attempt before I recalled how it actually was.
" How have you been? And is today some holiday I'm not aware of? Aren't you supposed to be in school?"
" That's a long story, and about how I am.. well, I've been better, "
He grew concerned, leaning a little closer and pushing the slice of cake he had ordered aside. I wasn't really hungry, and I suspected he wasn't wither since he hadn't even taken a bite. Same to his coffee, he just wrapped his hands around it and kept them there the entire time.
" What's up? Is it something I can help you with?"
He sounded so eager to help I was actually touched. He had let his hair down, something he rarely ever did,even in the pictures of him online, he mostly had it tied up. I looked away and locked my fingers together behind my neck, not sure how to start. It wasn't even about discomfort, somehow with Reign, I felt unrestricted. Like I could share anything with him because I knew he wouldn't judge, even though he wouldn't really understand exactly what I was going through.
" It's Austin, he's really got me worked up,"