The Beginning: Chapter 1

The space you find your in looks and feels of dark, ruin, and the unknown. You don't know why but it feels wrong like you don't belong. Your mind is blank and empty feeling like it was once filled with something then forcefully removed by unknown means. Though you do find that you are sentient but it doesn't feel right, you can't describe it but if you had to sum it up "Fake" comes to mind.

The world around you, the place, environment, the feeling.... makes you feel lost. The sense of aloneness surrounds you its overbearing, so pressing that it hurts. This continues for a timeless amount of time with the only change being feel, emotion, pressure.

The feel is weird as if the emotion is moving, changing form, mixing together, forming a new thing. Sometimes the emotion that is created hurts, burdens, or won't go away. But as with all things time makes what feels insurmountable small, malible, insignificant.

If the world you create for yourself is as the world I find myself in, as in you can't seem to escape well emotion with feeling driving all you do. As I found with myself, you will be trapped in an endless cycle of ever changing emotion.

Their are more times I wish for an end to this cycle than a path a way out. The void grows, I do not.

I feel my intelligence grows but my emotions dull the very act of living is no longer a prospect worth having. Why continue to go down a path that will not give any gain, no benefit. I could try to find something that would give me benefit but where would I start? I can't leave the place I'm in is of dark, ruin, a cycle. It's the same thing every day it makes me wish for the time before.

Before creation their was nothing. Why would their be anything existence is burdening. Why is anything anything when it could be nothing. Actually why is that the point of existence why am I here what lead to me being here. How did I come to being why am I a being of thought that can understand who had cursed me to be what I am. Me a being that will forever be thinking questioning I feel the pressure raising inside my being. Dread I feel is ok a feeling I prefer then my usual feeling really it's just different and that's why I like it.

I'm just trying to clear my mind to create a I don't know what I want to do. I'm panic i can't I wnat to run what is this why do I feel. I don't want this I'm calm I'm fine it fine all fine. The world is round a nice thought the little blue this is cute is so beautiful that I'm crying I just I don't know. I'm more emotionally then I let on I'm real good at keeping it in. I miss when I could cry on a dime I could see something sad and cry watch a sad movie well I still sometimes cry if it's good.

I feel so bored all the time and have to fill it with something that I find anything that would do. Now I'm broken everything is hard to enjoy I want to enjoy things but I just can't the feeling is back it's telling me to stop that the production is done you had your fun now it's my turn. I hate that gut he's always ruining my life I wish I could turn him off I want ultimate control over my mind to be able to control what I feel what motivates me.

But I don't know how one would do that or if that even possible I'm just rambling on here let's just end it here hope you have a great day.