Tears for a Lost Friend

"Where are you going with that old Walkman," my mother asked as I came up from the basement with the ancient device in my hand

I looked at it before putting it next to the box of tapes that I received days ago, "I found some cassette tapes I would like to listen to, luckily my earbuds work with these."

My mother smiled as she handed me a burrito, "Okay," she began, "have a good day," she said as I forced a smile

"Will do," I said before I took a bite out of the burrito as I stepped outside, "you do as well."

I sighed as I closed the door behind me while I juggled plugging in the earbuds and the tape. I sighed once more as I untangled the earbuds and pressed play, "Hey guys," my old friend's voice said. "It's Lisa Mays here. I hope you followed your directions and listened to this tape first instead of going out of order as some people would."

I smiled picturing some of our friends that would do that, "You know I'm one to follow directions Lis," I said to myself as I put the other earbud in as she explained what happened. About a month ago she killed herself at her home and just this week I got the packages of tapes and started listening through my boombox that had died by the end of the day. I sighed switching the tapes over, remembering that I had already listened to this tape. I muttered as I went through the package to find the right tape as I waited for the bus. I sighed as the bus pulled up before I found it, I figured that I'd have to sneak into the bathroom to find it before the second period since the first doesn't allow music. I sighed as I scrolled through my phone, just then Lucas messaged me.

Lucas: Hey, wanna meet up before the first period?

I smiled before sending a reply

Me: Sure, I'm down, I'll meet you in the cafeteria I shouldn't be long I just got on the bus

Lucas: If you want I can teach you how to drive after school

I smiled as I read it

Me: Sure, I'd love that, thanks

After I sent the reply I leaned back into the seat and closed my eyes as I started thinking about what I had to do today after school. Other than Lucas' offer I had nothing to do other than listening to those tapes which I wasn't far from finishing. I sighed as I watched the school come into view along with the line of cars that came with it. I slung my bag over my shoulder as I stood up from my seat my legs yelling in protest from the ride. I waved to the bus driver as I descended the stairs and into the building going directly to the cafeteria forcing a smile on my face as I looked for my friend.

"Mika," Lucas yelled from the far left of the room waving with a smile on his face. I knew his smile was just as forced as mine but I didn't ask him I only widened my smile

"Hey Luke," I said using the nickname that Lisa and I always used for him, "how's it going?"

"It's all going well," he said as he put me in a headlock, "what about you, how are you doing?"

I shrugged as I tried to push his arm off, "About the same," I began, "now get your heavy arm off of me before I flip you."

He then removed his arm and set me an arm's length away from him, "Please don't flip me," he said just as someone jumped on my back

"Hey Mik," Stacy said as I chuckled

"It's okay for her to jump on your back while I get threatened with a flip when I put you in a headlock," Lucas asked as we chuckled

Lucas was a senior while Stacy and I were juniors, "Well that's because she doesn't poke at me when she does it and also because I'd hurt myself if I tried to flip her."

Lucas huffed just as the bell rang, "Walk me to my locker Mik, please?"

I smiled, a genuine smile this time because of the puppy eyes that he was giving me. "Yeah," I began with a grin, "I'll walk you there but you have to walk me to my first period."

"You got it," he said just as Stacy whispered in my ear

"Bet," then she talked to both of us, "I heard there's supposed to be a surprise alumni visitor during lunch today; you two have any idea who it is?"

I shook my head, "This is the first I've heard of it," I began as we made our way to Lucas' locker. "Are you going to be on my back until it's time for you to get to your first period?"

At this point, Stacy wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed, "Yep," she answered with the grin even in her voice

"Okay," I began with a sigh once she loosened the grip, "just please don't be late to it. I don't want to have a reason why the music director is yelling at me."

Stacy laughed as Lucas worked on unlocking his locker, "I won't," she said then rested her head on my shoulder. "What about you Luke? Have you heard who's going to be our special lunch guest?"

Lucas looked up at her, "Nope," he said then smiled as he noticed how her head was snuggled against my neck. "You two look so cute together y'all should date," he said as I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment

"Keep dreaming Lucas," I said with a grin as he opened the locker, "you know I don't swing that way."

"You should give it a shot," Stacy said as I glanced at her, "I haven't seen you have a lot of luck with guys as of recent. Luke is the only decent guy around here but we're all like siblings together."

"Yeah," I began, "if only we had our other sister," I said as I looked at the locker next to Lucas'

Stacy rested her head back on my neck, "I'm pretty sure she'd be on my side as well as Lucas'," she said as I chuckled

"Why are you so clingy today," I asked her as she clung to my back, "you're never this clingy."

"Maybe I need somebody to ground me," she said as she stared at Lisa's memorial.

"If you want I can provide you some grounding during the third period," I said with a grin as she grinned back

"Bet," she said as Lucas and I laughed

"Okay Stacy," he began as he closed his locker, "kiss your girlfriend goodbye and head off to class."

I laughed like that as Stacy climbed off me and started to approach Lucas before she did anything she kissed me on the cheek that shut me up. "See you later lover," she said as I felt my cheeks warm up once more as I watched her punch him in the stomach before walking down the hall

"Is that blush that I see on your cheeks Miss Lawrence," Lucas said as he rubbed his stomach

"It's of embarrassment you asshat," I said with a grin

"I think there's a little gay in you," he said pointing his finger at me

"No," I began, "I'm straighter than a ruler," I lied as I crossed my arms and began walking down the hall

"Would it be one of those bendy rulers or the wooden one," he began, "because I picture you as the former, you still hurt as much as the wood one though."

"That's because I am the wooden one," I said as I jabbed at his side, "not another word."

Lucas rubbed his side, "Look," he said with a sigh as he pulled me in the staircase alcove that was closest to my classroom. "I know how close you were to her," he began, "I know how I can replace her in any way but just know that I'm as easy of a person to talk to as she was. Please remember that I don't want to lose anyone else to their feelings."

I slid down the wall as tears streamed down my face, "I'm just so nervous to do anything now," I began as I curled up in a ball. "I told her about everything and I know that I can open up to you about things but I don't think it's right with her not here. I'm nervous to tell you anything because of how close you are to my parents, especially with my father. I don't want you to say something that'd hurt me."

I felt a hand on my back as I cried, "I know," Lucas began just as the warning bell rang. "How you may feel about trust right now, she broke a promise with all of us and I understand that you may not be ready to open up to me as you did with her so I'll give you your time just let me know when you're ready."

"I will," I sniffed as I pushed myself up the wall, "I'm gonna get into class, you go before you're late."

"Who are you kidding," he began with a mock salute, "I am the senior soldier of lateness and procrastination."

"You didn't study for that test did ya," I asked

"Crammed it all in at the end of the night last night."

I laughed, "I sure do hope you got some sleep last night, don't want to hear that you slept through another test."

"You will hear nothing of it," he said hugging me before bolting up the stairs, "see ya Mik."

I smiled a tearful smile, "See ya, Luke," I said waving as he disappeared up the stairs. I wiped my eyes before turning to the direction of my classroom and walked in sitting down just as the last bell rang

"Mika," my chemistry teacher called out, "the counselor would like to see how you're doing with Lisa's death. Could you please go?"

I nodded slowly getting back up and heading to the middle of the school, it was known to the whole school that Stacy, Lucas, me and Lisa were the closest group of the school. We were the most tolerable and the funniest with how Lucas would always goof off just to lighten the mood. But the counselor keeps thinking there was something more between Lisa and I so she always wanted to make sure I was okay every day by talking about it and checking my arms to make sure I didn't commit any self-harm. The only person I wanted something with was Stacy but I wasn't ready to tell anyone that even when Lisa was alive.

"It's good to see you, Mika," the counselor said as I walked in, "I hope everything's well."

"Yep," I began, "just in my thoughts missing someone who was like a sister to me," I said as I threw myself into my seat. I haven't told anyone that I've had feelings for Stacy even before Lisa's death. Luke has been the only one to figure it but I wasn't going to admit it over text or in a public school

"Okay then," she said as she closed the door, "let's start with the usual first then we'll get to talking."

I had soon gotten comfortable in showing my counselor my whole body even though it did embarrass me whenever she poked at my bra and underwear to make sure I didn't have any cuts there. Most of the people in the school thought I'd have feelings for her even the staff thought it but in reality, the only people that I think would have feelings for her were Lucas. Once we found out that she had committed suicide he punched a dent in the locker on the other side of him which was thankfully empty. All three of us ended up having counselors for this kind of thing but Stacy and Luke stopped seeing them. I was only hoping one other friend of ours was doing okay as well, she was perhaps the closest to Lisa than all of us.

"Okay," the counselor began, "what do you want to tell me about now?"

I sighed as I began to tell her about how we got to know each other and practically became sisters on the same day. It was mostly a day of hanging out and being goofballs but I hadn't had such fun with anyone that I felt as if we could be friends forever. Once we had gotten back to my house since my mother had approved of her spending the night I had asked her something

"Sisters," I said lifting my pinky in the air after laughing at a dramatization of something that happened with Lucas and Stacy that day

"You bet," she said, crossing her pinky with mine before pulling me into a headlock. "Try flipping me," she said as I struggled to get out

"I hope you never leave my side," I said after I flipped her onto her back

"I don't ever plan on it, sis," she said with a wide grin

I was sent out of the office before the end of the period so I found myself shuffling into the bathroom and falling into a stall. I checked the time on my phone, I still had a half an hour until my next class I could knock out one tape before then. I dug in my bag finding the Walkman and the box of tapes as my earbuds were wrapped around the device. I popped in the next tape and press play as I rested my head against the wall of the bathroom

"I'm back guys," she said as I closed my eyes listening to her voice, "this is tape eight of thirteen. Stop thinking that I'm making this up from that book a Netflix show and listen to this one. This one is about Stacy Miles," she sighed, "you and I knew each other well before you became a freshman. You were someone that I created a strong bond with just as much as a couple of other people that we know and love. One of whom may or may not have a crush on you but don't try to guess who it is just make them both comfortable for me. Now time to talk about how we met, the next two tapes are for them separately."

"You son of a bitch," I whispered as I listened to the tape that outed Stacy to everyone who listened to it. This was to be just like the book and Netflix show with everyone listening through all thirteen tapes before sending it to the next person. The next person would be who was after your tape so if Lucas and I were supposed to be on the next two tapes then I could easily figure out who sent it to me. I chuckled as the tape ended with its usual thing

"Stay cheery and see you in the next tape," her voice said before the tape ended. I dug into the bag just as the bell rang, looking for the ninth tape wanting to know whether it was me or Lucas who was next. I ducked into a stall just as I found it, I put the eighth tape away before opening the case for the ninth one and placing it in the Walkman, putting the device at the inside pocket of my fleece as I walked out of the bathroom. I untangled my earbuds as I made it to my next class sitting in the chair just as I found the play button and pressed it.

"Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to Lisa's List of friends that made her life either a living hell or living in heaven. Our next contestant is," she paused as if reading through a script, "my other sister Mika Lawrence. Her story is pretty interesting so y'all should sit back and listen. Let me begin by telling you something Mika, even though we did know each other for about a year and a half but we grew closer within that time. You were like that sister that I never had but always want," her voice was continuing but it was interrupted by someone lightly tapping on my shoulder.

I paused the tape and looked up at the teacher who looked irritated as if she was trying to talk to me. "Miss Lawrence," she began gently, "would you like to present the speech that you're going to say at Lisa's funeral after your performance?"

"Uh, yeah," I began remembering the pieces of paper in my bag, "I have two speeches, one of them Lucas and I made since we were really close to her."

"Well, you can read the one you wrote yourself since I presume you're going to read both of them in you next hour and we'd like you to keep your composure as much as possible," she said as I dug in my bag to look for the paper

"You got it," I said as I stood up and walked to the front of the classroom, I hadn't noticed the bell ringing because of the tape so I felt a little embarrassed. "Hey guys," I began nervously, "as many of you know Lis and were very close even though we met at least two years ago but we still had as much fun. Her death hurt me as much as you can think. I cried for weeks on end wishing it was either a dream or that I was in her place instead. I was crying even when I wrote this, I also was thinking of doing the same things that she did but I knew that no one would want that I didn't want anyone else to hurt. So," I sighed as I unfolded the paper that I had finished writing in the dead of night last night while listening to the tapes. "Here is the speech that I finished writing last night," I cleared my throat and began to read as the feelings threatened to take over. "Lisa Nicole Mays, a woman's name that'll never be forgotten. You and I had a lot of fun in the year and a half that we knew each other. You and I grew so close that people thought that we were either a couple or you were a long lost sister to me. You were more of the latter to me than most people would think. If someone at school ever saw me without you they'd always ask where you were and if you were okay. I usually had an answer for that but the day that I found out you were gone I didn't," I sighed. "Days that would've been filled with laughter and jokes were replaced with grief. Nights that you would've spent with me joking up until midnight were now replaced with me crying until midnight. I now wonder how I lived without you; I wonder what my life is now worth now that you're gone. I also wonder what would happen if I ended it right then and there if I just downed a bottle of pills and closed my eyes for the last time. But I figured that you didn't want that for me, as I thought about it also thought of the friends that we shared. I figured that you'd want me to follow my dreams and live my life with joy and happiness. I'll do it. I'll live my life with joy, I'll live my life with happiness but I'll live it with two times the joy and happiness. I'm including you in this Lis. Every laughter, tear, and moment that we would've been together for will be dedicated to you. I'll miss you, Lisa Nicole May, you'll always be in my heart and I hope that you finally found the peace you were looking for," I finished as the tears took over and the students stood to applaud me as tears were in their eyes

"Thank you, Mika," the teacher said as I made my way back to my seat, "you can go back to what you were doing since I'm going to talk about her and I believe you won't want to hear anymore."

I nodded, fearing that my voice would crack if I spoke anymore, I soon dug the earbuds from my pocket. I reversed the tape and started the tape and soon I was where I left off as I put my head on the desk. "We've had our problems together but the thing that I liked about them is that we always solved them together. We had more good times than bad, you kept my secrets and I kept many of yours if you know what I mean. You had the perfect life aside from the asshole father, you sang your songs just as well as Tina and I did and you weren't afraid of the men flirting with you around the school. But," she paused as I felt the tears make a puddle on the desk. "I'm pretty sure that façade is gone now; I'm pretty sure your nights are filled with tears and wondering why I left you after that promise that I made when we first met. You're probably wondering if it's worth committing suicide now that I'm gone. I'll answer the first question at the end of this charade but I'll answer the latter first. It isn't worth it," she paused once more. "The same people that are crying over me will be crying over you. Keep the group together, keep growing. I see you being like a combination of me, Tina, and Kris. You have dreams but do whatever you want with the memories of me. You'll probably keep those memories of me in your heart and do it while doing me one favor," she paused as I felt the puddle grow to wet my sleeves. "Live the life I always wanted to Mik, thank you so much for being such a great sister. Lis."

The tape ended with that, no special ending this time which made her death hurt me worse than it originally did. The bell rang as I tossed the Walkman into my bag making sure to take the earbuds out because I didn't want to hear any more of it on the way to the choir. I was crying as I left to see Stacy, that's the reason why she's so clingy to Lucas and me because she's trying to figure out who has a crush on her. I figured that she wouldn't be the only one who needed some grounding during that period. I stepped into the choir room and grabbed my folder as Stacy called my name

"Hey Mik," she began, "how are you feeling?"

I bit my lip as I heard her coming up to me, "I'm fine," I began as I turned to her, "you're not the only one who's going to need grounding this period," I started walking to my chair as I noticed someone different. "Tina, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to talk to you in private before you read those speeches," she began hugging me. "Drop your things off and follow me, I already told the teacher that I'd kidnap you."

I looked in Stacy's direction, "Can she come to," I began, Tina was well before us in the list of tapes so I figured she wouldn't mind having Stacy with us. "I promised her some grounding and I realized last period that she's not the only one who needs it."

"Sure," Tina said, "just meet up with me in the auditorium when you're done telling the teacher."

I nodded as I put my things in the alto section next to Stacy, "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'll tell you in the auditorium," I said as I switched the Walkman to my fleece pocket once more so no one would steal it. "She should've sent these with a Walkman," I muttered as we walked to the room that Tina asked us to meet her in. I took my hand out of my pocket and found hers, "I hope you don't mind but I'm open for some cuddles during this," I whispered as I laced my fingers through hers

She squeezed my hand in reassurance as I opened the door, "You got to your tape didn't you?"

I nodded as I made it to the center of the stage, "I did," I said falling on my knees once I made it near Tina. I failed to realize that Stacy was following me until she took me into my arms rubbing my back

"It's gonna be okay Mik, we're going to get through this," Tina whispered as she came closer to us

"I tried to tell her that," I began, "from your guy's graduation to the night she killed herself but it's like all sense had gone away. I kept calling her to talk some sense into her so she'd stop hurting herself but she didn't listen. Sadly, the night she killed herself was something I'm never going to forget."

"You didn't tell us you were the last person to talk to her before she died," Tina said as I felt Stacy rubbing circles around my back

I sighed as I pushed myself off of Stacy, "You two are the only ones who'll know," I began, "but here is."

*Flashback*

It was 11:11 and I had not gotten any sleep as I turned on my side to face my room. Right as I readjusted my blankets my phone lit up next to me with a Facetime screen. Having a bad feeling about this call I hurriedly set up everything so I could answer it. After I set up my flashlight I answered Lis' call.

"Hey what's up," I asked as I was greeted with her tired face and scar riddled arms

"Hey Mik," she began with a sad smile, "I want you to know something and keep this in mind no matter what you go through," she paused as I nodded letting her know she can continue. "You are a wonderful lady, keep on working on your plans for the world and keep me in your heart," she said ending the call as soon as she finished

It took me a minute too long to realize what she meant by that, I tried to call her back but all calls were blocked. After realizing that I started texting.

*Flashback End*

"I kept texting her things saying how amazing of a person she is and that she shouldn't give up on her dreams either," I sighed as I was welcomed into Stacy's arms. "I tried to stay up for the whole night waiting for her to answer but I ended up falling asleep. When I woke up I found out that she texted me saying nobody cares for her and wishing me well. I spammed her with text after text saying it wasn't goodbye and she shouldn't be saying that anytime soon," I turned to cry in Stacy's stomach. "By lunch, her mother had taken her phone and text me saying that Lis was found dead by suicide."

"You're feeling guilty aren't you," Stacy asked as she ran her fingers through my hair as I nodded. "Your tape was the breaking point wasn't it?"

"Yes," I breathed as I curled up into her, "you're probably wondering who has a crush on you."

"Yeah but it can wait until Lucas listens," she said as I felt her smooth my hair

"No," I began, "I am the person who has a crush on you," I said, "he figured it out before I told him because I was as red as a tomato when you left. Tina was the only other person who knows other than Lis, I've been too nervous to tell you until now."

"I figured it was you," she said kindly, "you're kind of easy to figure out sometimes and crushes are one of them."

I blushed as I clung closer to Stacy, "Was that kiss on the cheek a test," I asked as she chuckled

"Yes and no," she began as the tears slowed down, "that kiss on the cheek was to let you know that you aren't alone and was also to show that I love you too."

I smiled into her side as I clung closer to her, "I don't want to read those speeches today, I already read mine last period nearly breaking down and that was before I listened to my tape."

"I'll talk to the teacher for you," Tina said, getting up, "it looks like you two need your space."

I faintly smiled, "Thanks Tina," I said as she walked away and I continued to cry letting all my emotions out

*One year and two weeks later*

I sat on my bed with my cap and gown next to me, the teacher let me hold off on reading the speeches whenever I felt better. After I had told Stacy that I was the one crushing on her she checked to see if I was okay every chance she got. She spent time with me and brought me back into reality at times and sometimes she spent the night to make sure I was safe.

Right now, she wasn't there, I was holding a bottle of sleeping pills thinking through everything that happened. "You were supposed to be here Lis," I muttered looking at the bottle as her face flashed through my mind. "I cried day and night for a year hoping you'd come back before this. Here I am, after vowing to a whole district that I'd live my life for you, contemplating doing the same thing."

I blinked as Stacy's face appeared in my mind, my breath quickened as I remembered that I wasn't the only one crushing in this relationship. I screamed, throwing the bottle across the room as pills scattered around the room

"You said that you would be by my side for everything but you lied," I said as I slid down the wall starting to cry once more. "I left you text after text hoping that you'd come back saying that it was a late April Fool's joke but you never came back even when your funeral came. I lived my life hoping I'd feel better even when I got into my relationship with Stacy but nothing has worked and I'm still here sobbing at a broken promise."

I started crying into my hands for perhaps a thousandth time, "I have never broken that promise, Mika, I've always been here," Lisa's voice said as I curled up into a ball. "Don't let Stacy's heartbreak over a fake death," she said then I looked up as her eyes shone with happiness and sorrow. "I'm sorry for breaking your hearts," she said

"Your death was faked," I exclaimed, shooting up from my ball that I curled up in, "do you know how many sleepless nights I went through with Stacy because of you?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry about that, I needed some time and space but I still saw you two performing since the pages for the school were public," she said shyly as she scratched the back of her neck

"Did you tell anyone," I asked as she nodded, "who?"

"Your parents, Stacy's, Lucas' and Tina's," she listed off, "I told Kris because she said she was going to be out of town for the whole thing."

I stood up a punched her shoulder, "You deserved that," I said with a tearful smile

"What do you say we get you cleaned up and surprise a crowd of grieving students," she said rubbing her shoulder after a laugh. "Yeah I did and I think you're not going to be the only person to do that," she said

"You're lucky it's not a flip," I said with a sniff, "can I at least have a hug first?"

"You sure can," she said with a smile, we hugged then went to clean up the pills that fell on the floor as well as my face before I put my cap and gown on. Before I knew it, I was at the gymnasium where I would be graduating as Lisa was going to blend in with the crowd by staying with my family

"You ready," Stacy asked after we sang our senior song with the choir. I smiled remembering everything that we've been through.

"You bet," I said as I laced my fingers through hers, "see you on the other side."

She smiled before kissing me, "See you on the other side," she shot back before heading to the back of the line where I would've been if I hadn't landed myself at the top of the class which would be presented last. My eyes darted to where Lisa sat with a hat on right next to my mother as the speaker shared whatever boring story he was planning on. I never thought that this would happen, I kept pinching myself from under my gown as I saw how close she was to the podium after my name would be called. Soon enough my attention was grabbed when Stacy's name was called and I smiled as she winked in my direction while grabbing her diploma. I smiled back as she descended the stairs and headed back to her seat. Soon enough the top of the class was being called, I went through the rotations as I figured out how I was going to introduce Lisa before I announced the turning of the tassels.

"And last but most certainly not least, Mika Elizabeth Lawrence," the principal announced, he also knew about the fake death. "Who has another speaker to introduce before she commences with the turning of the tassels."

I smiled as I shook the hands of the department members, I sighed as I approached the microphone. There were two podiums and the one that I was at was across from the one that Lisa was closest to. "I've learned a lot these past four years," I began with a sigh, "I've learned that there are some people who don't give a care in the world about what you're going through and I also learned that some people can go through some outrageous lengths to get some time and space to be themselves," I paused so the crowd to understand what I was saying; once they understood they started talking. "There is one person who I missed ever since she killed herself over a year ago now. She promised that she would be here and be with me through everything," I paused once more as I glanced in Lisa's direction as she had her hand on her hat and was closer to the gate. "She held true to that promise," I began again, "trust me I was just as confused as all of you are when I first saw her but let me introduce to you my sister that I thought was long gone, back from the dead, Lisa Nicole May," I finished as I watched her climb the steps to the podium as the crowd stared in stunned silence

"Hello," she said with a grin as she rubbed her hands against the side of her pants. "I understand that you guys may very well be irritated at me for doing this but as Mika said I need some time and space to myself and I didn't know how to go about it. I understand whatever retribution you want to give me whether it be a flip that Mika has already threatened me after this ceremony or a punch to the shoulder I welcome it. Let me finish with congratulations to all of you amazing people so Mika can count down what you've been waiting four long years for."

I smiled as everyone applauded her and Stacy shot a glare in my direction before joining in the applause and cheers. "All right everyone," I said with a grin, "you ready," I asked and the crowd cheered. I recited the usual spiel about what the turning of the tassels meant before I started the countdown. "One," I began with another voice as I looked to see Lisa counting with me with a grin plastered on her face. "Two," we said as I took my tassel looking at Stacy who shared the same grin. "Three," we finished and the crowd cheered. Before I knew it I found myself hugging the friend that Stacy and I cried over for years.