Chapter 2

“What the hell is so funny? I was good enough for you before. What changed?” I stared him down hard; so hard that I was able to break his laughing fit up once and for all.

“I don’t want to offend you. You’re a nice guy. I was just taken by surprise. You know how it is with these things,” Carlo stated as he got up from the bed and walked over towards me.

“No, I don’t know. I don’t have a clue about what is going on.”

Carlo took my hand and looked me straight in the eyes with his emerald greens. For a second, I almost melted. But then the laughing started going on in my head again, and my fury came back full force.

Looking at Carlo’s face, I could tell he had something he wanted to say, but just couldn’t. He kept biting his lip, and you could tell he was thinking very carefully before he spoke again. The anticipation wasn’t helping my tolerance, so I knew that I had to speed things up a bit.

“Just spit it out.”

Carlo looked at the floor one more time, then right back at me.

“It’s just…well…I…I didn’t expect it to be so small.”

I really don’t remember what happened after that, but I do recall that I was rushing him out in just his underwear, not giving him anytime to put his other clothes back on. He pleaded with me a bit, asking to stay and make it up to me. And I almost did—until he mentioned that he was just used to bigger.

* * * *

After Carlo left I went back to my bed and tried to force myself to go to sleep. But it was no use. All I could think about were those words I’m just used to bigger. I mean, I always knew that I didn’t have the biggest hammer in the tool box; I have seen porn and other naked men, but this was the first time that anyone had ever brought it up to me.

After a few tossing and turning sessions, I decided to get up and see for myself. Even though I have looked at myself I the mirror thousands of times, maybe I somehow tricked myself into thinking that it wasn’t that small. Maybe now that Carlo pointed it out, I would finally be able to see the truth.

I got out of bed, turned on my lamp and walked slowly to my mirror. I still had my sheet covering my body. I thought about just dropping it and getting the full view head on, but since I was still flaccid I figured it would be a waste. I tried to get hard, but it was no use; every time I tried to think of something that turned me on, all I could picture was Carlo laughing at me.

I didn’t expect it to be so small. The words still rang in my ears, eating away at me. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I scoured my apartment for a ruler. I knew I had one in a junk drawer or somewhere like that, but I just couldn’t find it. Five open drawers later, I shook my head. This is crazy, I thought, and forced myself back to bed.2

“You have looked at yourself before, right?” That was the first question my sister Carmen asked after I invited her over and told her the whole gruesome debacle. I know it may seem weird sharing this with my sister, but we were close and told each other everything. Well, almost everything. Besides, telling any of my gay friends was out of the question. Stuff like this spreads like wildfire among the gay community, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to get the ball rolling.

“Yes, I have. And before you ask, yes, I have seen men with different sizes than my own. I just never really thought of mine as being, you know—“

“More Vienna sausage than ballpark frank?” Carmen intruded before I could finish.

I rolled my eyes a bit, hoping she would get the hint. I knew what she was getting at, even if I didn’t want to admit it.

“Ugh, do you have to be so crass about everything?” I blurted, hoping to get the conversation back on track.

Carmen, as usual, ignored me, and focused her eyes right into mine. This is how I knew she was going to start with the truth bombs, which I needed at this point, even if it was going to be unpleasant to hear.

“Okay, the way I see it,” Carmen began in her most authoritative voice, “it can’t possibly be what you think it is. While you are not a slut, you have been with other guys, some that were quite serious, and it never seemed to be an issue before.” Carmen looked at me intently, but I was already lost in thought.