1 The Life I Don't Want

"Casper Bloom?"

"Present ma'am."

"Lisanne Bolscher?"

"Present!"

"Yvonne Cafarelli?"

"Here ma'am!"

"Kate Caison?"

"Present!"

"Alexander Calixto?"

"Never missed a class."

"Nicholas Carson?"

I raised my hand.

"Nicholas Carson, absent again?"

I waved my hand to get her attention but the teacher is looking at the other direction as if she has no idea who I am and where I am normally seated.

"Nicholas is over here ma'am!" one of the students pitied me.

"Oh Nicholas, why don't you talk?" the teacher says and marked me present in her attendance sheet.

I am seated in front at her far left. The students don't like me, they don't talk to me and it feels like I am a ghost in this class.

Even the teachers for some reason forget I exist.

The class went on as usual. Class discussions I could barely cope up with. I have questions but no one helps me understand the lessons.

They just stare at me when I ask then they go back doing their activities.

I don't even know why I go to school for.

"Hey Nicholas, do you want a chocolate?" she offered.

"Don't talk to him, he's a weirdo." her friends whispered.

Her name is Jensen Kjielgard.

She is the most beautiful girl in class, even the boys from other sections visit our classroom just to see her.

She's also not like the other pretty girls who feels she's a queen and bosses everyone around.

No, Jensen isn't like that.

She's friendly to anyone, she always brings extra snacks that she shares with the class or her friends or the friends of her friends.

It's why she offers me one too.

She's super rich! Super rich too. She's everything my dream girl is. Beautiful, smart, talented. She's perfect for me.

I glance at the box of chocolates, seeing that they differ in color and style.

I pick the one with almonds and smelled of caramel and I smiled at her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." she smiled back. The most beautiful smile I've ever seen.

The bell rings and it's lunch time.

Now I remember why I go to school in the weekdays.

It's because I want to see Jensen, hoping that she'd pay attention to me at some point. Like today. I just received a chocolate from her.

One of the best things that happened to me this day.

I couldn't stop smiling and my cheeks are probably pink so I turn away when Jensen and her friends offered chocolates to our other classmates until eventually they left the classroom.

"Whoa hey where did you get that?" my seatmate asked.

Or well, she is seated behind me but when my real seatmate is absent, she transfers to seat beside me.

Then she claims she has bad eyesight so she can stay.

"Jensen gave me one." I tell her.

"Whoa unfair, how come she gave one while I was in the washroom?" Kate Caison is one of the nicest classmates I have.

She's just always so busy that sometimes I forget she is one of the nice ones who doesn't treat me like an invisible person.

Being part of the sports team and the school's general committee felt almost like two jobs to her.

But even if she's juggling two jobs at a time, plus academics, she never wavers to smile.

Not as beautiful as Jensen's smile but it can brighten someone's day.

"Do you want it? It's almond and caramel."

I didn't know why I said that. I didn't know why I offered. I liked it. I love almonds. I love caramel. Two of my favorite food.

I just felt like saying something nice to her even if I didn't mean it.

"Really? You're giving it to me?"

Actually no. I don't wish to give it. It's from Jensen.

It's the only thing I received from her this school year and this school year is about to end as well!

In the deeper parts of myself, I couldn't bring myself to want to offend her when she's one of the kindest to me.

So I didn't answer and just hand her the chocolate.

She smiled. "I'm kidding Nicholas. Keep it."

From then on, my life had turned upside down. Kate had been a constant companion at school.

She always talks to me and she offers to help me pull my grades up so I don't have to take summer classes.

This is basically the cycle of my life.

My parents give me allowance for school, I go to school with the motivation of hoping to get a chance of talking with Jensen.

Maybe a talk in the rooftop. Or she forgets her lunch and I offer mine. Waiting for an opportunity, an opening to be part of her life.

It went on until graduation.

I made sure to pick the same college she's in, even if we have different courses.

The same college means I still get even the smallest of chance to see her.

"Where are you guys going for college?" Kate asked me while we were in the middle of our study session at the library.

"Dunno yet." I lied. I already know. I'm going to where Jensen is going.

Kate drops her pencil and pulls away the made-up test paper she prepared for me.

I was writing on it so I stared at her when she took it. She examines my answers.

"I'm not done." I tell her.

"I want to go to Colombus Riverdale University." when she said that, I swallowed. It's where Jensen is going too. "And you?"

"I'll follow where you're going." I say so it's not obvious I'm there for Jensen.

She returned my paper to me, her smile never fading. "Okay. Let's go to the same university together."

Graduation comes faster than one could imagine.

We graduated together.

"Katherine Freja Caison!"

"Nicholas Ivan Carson!"

We both walked down the platform to take our diplomas, both of us proud of what we've achieved.

But for me I am more proud to see that I see Jensen applauding me like the rest of the audience did.

Just when I thought my life is becoming better, suddenly it doesn't.

Life isn't fair.

A motorcycle accident happened.

An accident that killed Kate when she is going home from applying a job.

The truck didn't see her and she is just gone.

I was left all alone again. My only lifeline is the only one left again to keep me going.

The fame that came from being Kate's friend died just as fast as she lay lifeless on the side of the road.

Her friends that used to acknowledge I exist stopped talking to me just as Kate no longer sends me texts to hangout after a struggling day to find a job.

I don't want this horrible life anymore but I have to keep going. For Jensen.

Even if she didn't see me the way Kate did, Jensen is everything to me.

And I will keep living for her.