I CAN'T BREATHE IF YOU STAY

The countdown to the american tour was on. It was Sunday, 14th april and the next day they were departing without me and the mission would be a failure. It was my fault, no doubt. I didn't insisted anymore with a more than angry Roger and after the tea with the Bulsaras, Mary seemed content not having news of me again. As for Freddie... Freddie was like a burning pyre. Instead of gaining confidence, I felt more and more frigtened with his weird attitude towards me.

Translation: Saturday 13th. I was so knackered that I spent all day in bed while the rain was beating relentless against my windows. Everything seemed to be converging to withdraw into my shell and didn't come out of it.

I wrote and wrote without a break all my feelings lying face down in bed. I didn't mean send it to Fooling, it was too much hot, twisted, haunted. I didn't mean to worry him. I didn't want him to think the mission was in danger.

I picked up the phone a couple of times to call Roger but I didn't have the guts to face his temper. I was starting to get isolated and separated from Queen universe and I knew I could't afford to do that.

I grabbed the original mirror I bought Freddie and Mary. I trusted they like it. After taking a look at their particular style in their decoration, I thought it would fit into. Ash, out of that bed.

The weather was dull but my time was running out. I couldn't wait any longer and hesitate any longer. I pressed the doorbell at 100 Holland Park. After a while the unique Freddie welcomed me with his messy fringe and sleepy face. He wore a feminine robe. I was sure it was Mary's.

- Good morning, mousy.

It's been so long since I heard that. I missed it.

- Come in, don't stay in there. You are dripping.

- Thanks.

- What brings you to Austin home? -he asked helping me to take off the raincoat and hanging it off the rack.

- I just came to bring you my gift and say goodbye. Tomorrow you're flying America, aren't you?

- You are very well informed, miss journalist. Bring it to me, darling. Let's wait Mary to open up. She's buying freshly made scones. Would you like some tea?

- Yes, thanks. Freddie... -I started mumbling without knowing how to go on.

- Yes, mousy? -he asked without turning around, toiling at the kettle.

- Who am I for you? -I asked after taking a deep breath and hiding my frozen hands between my knees.

- You? -he turned around with his eyes unavoidably sparkling with curiosity-. A beautiful mousy, you know it.

- I mean at Friday. Why did you insist visiting your parents with you? It was completely unusual... And I think Mary hates me from that moment.

- Mary doesn't hate you. She's always speaking about you. She says you are her best customer and you look good with all kind of clothes.

God, Mary couldn't start to feel jealousy. I didn't gave her a reason. It was me actually who envy her to live and suffer with this beauty.

- In any case I don't think I must have been gone. I don't want to put in danger our friendship. They are your parents, your most private circle...

- I'm sorry if you felt uncomfortable. My parents sometimes are such a bore with questions.

- Your parents are not to blame. It's your fault, Freddie Mercury. I don't know what you want from me.

- What do I want from you?

- Yes.

Freddie went around the table till he stood near. He placed his huge hands flat on the tablecloth and drew closer till our chins almost touched.

- You don't have any idea how that letter you sent us turned me on. My face was flushed like an orange. I waited till Mary was back to open it and reading together. And all I could see was Mary, Mary, Mary. Apologies to Mary. Nice words for her. And for me? Didn't you have anything to tell me? -he pointed out himself with all the helplessness he could express in his beautiful face.

- I got a lot of things to tell you... -I replied without hesitation feeling my fingertips burned and later the heat climbed up all through my body.

- Do you? -he touched slightly with his nose mine and then he went out the kitchen like a shot.

I looked everywhere with my dried throat and a strong desire leaving there to save me. The kettle whistled. I wanted to take it off but I couldn't move.

At last I sat up, I took it off and without thinking further ado I got out the kitchen and I put on my raincoat ready to go.

- Where are you going? -Freddie grabbed my arm after coming down the stairs two at a time.

- Say hello to Mary from me and I hope you're doing fine with the tour.

- Here. Your handkerchief. It's washed -he smiled against my ear-. I didn't ever find the moment to give it to you back. Whose is this?

- What do you mean? It's mine.

- It has the embroidered initials A.P.

- Oh...

Ashlee Polley, of course. My relentless machine of lies wasn't keen on that sort of thing. I hardly stood on my knees.

- I want to leave -I mumbled with the distress of the impending tears in my throat.

- Well open up the door, mousy. That's all that you have to do.

- Fine -I pushed aside the door and slid out to the elements-. Good luck -I whispered without daring even to look back to see him.

While I was walking along the street briskly, soaking myself mercilessly with the puddles, I thought I couldn't be more alone. It's not only the day was unpleasant and hostile, everybody around me was like this. Roger with his ostracism, Mary with her distrust and Freddie with his haunted words. I felt insane, like a compass all wrecked. Without course, direction, goals.

I walked and walked non-stop till I was in front of Roger's building. I had arrived there like a robot, as though a higher will moved my strings with total authority.

The thing is I was there and my steps were guided by my despair and anguish. I didn't want getting back home to dive into my own self-pity.

I rang the bell and my surprise was huge when I saw a girl at the door. I thought stunned I was at the wrong door, in the state I was it could be.

- Who is it? -I could be heard at a distance.

That characteristic husky voice left no room for doubt.

- I don't know, a girl. Are you waiting for someone?

- No -his voice sounded at the other end of the flat.

- I'm leaving now, ok? Won't we meet when you return? -said the unknown girl.

- Yes. Wait, don't leave your things here.

Roger rushed out giving her earrings which the girl had left. I was still there at the door. The girl said to him good-bye with a wink. No, she was neither his cousin, nor his sister. That's for sure.

- I think I gotta leave too -I said swallowing hard to lowered my disappointment any way.

- Come in. You are dripping.

I hesitated and he grabbed my raincoat sleeve to pushed me into. I felt already enough beaten to establish I was expendable in such a clear way.

I was a complete naive and I was searching shelter in people with serious troubles to have an emotional stability. Roger was a dangerous guy as well as Freddie. Two crazy artists on the rise to fame, with tremendous frustrations to which they couldn't channel so far and they rival each other in skill to get laid whenever and whoever they felt like. And I chose him today as my last chance.

- What are you doing here? -he asked pulling up his fly and pulling a t-shirt over his messy hair.

- And what are you doing fucking with the first one who can find at the street?

I've already said it. It was irrational feeling like this. Roger cracked a shameless smile.

- She's a friend. Sometimes we do it.

- You are a swine, did you know that? I shouldn't let you put your hands on me.

- I agree with that.

- You made me think I was something special...

- And you told me you would never leave me alone! FUCK!

Roger's shouts disturbed me. I shrank and sliding my back down the wall, I sat on the floor. Letting my dripping raincoat drenched everywhere.

- You've been driving me crazy since you appeared at the fucking Rainbow and when I had you, you ran away not looking back.

- You've never had me, ok? Do you think just to fucking me like mad, you had me? Did you really think? What's wrong with men who think just with their dick can rule the world?

I was on edge and that's why I couldn't choose my words carefully. My rage blurred my eyes and tried to choke my tears, struggling. I was in anger because there was nothing and noone going for help. I didn't have a grip.

- Come on, I'll drive you home.

He lifted me from the floor pulling. He grabbed his car keys and a cigarette and dragged me down the stairs.

- Get into the car -he opened the passenger door.

He also got into and putting the cigarette between his teeth frowning, turned the key in the ignition.

- Where do you live? -he asked.

Then I burst into a hysterical and hopeless cry. Everything went up against me. I hadn't any intention to show my flat to any of those freaks, I didn't want they knew my address. The only place in which I intended to be free.

My hysterical baby weeping, overstepped my boundaries, stirred him up. He placed his cigarette on the ashtray and moved the seat back. Without ceremonies grabbed me by the waist, straddling him.

I stopped to weep just a moment to look at him with my wet and surprised eyes. Who I was kidding? I was getting into the cage all alone, to feel again free. It was ironic. I searched Roger's raging storm eyes, I had seen them once and I got off too well. He put his hand underneath my dress tighten my back from behind. My skin was crawling helplessly while he, with no respite pulled down his fly. From behind he seized my panties and tore them just like that. I squirmed feeling his index finger inside of me and moved my pelvis a couple of times, in circles. He pulled down slightly his black leather pants.

- No... -I whispered with the tears still flowing-. Please, don't.

Roger fixed his enraged eyes hearing my hopeless pleading against his lips.

- Not without condom. I beg you.

Roger then showed me his perfect row of teeth. He pulled up his fly and slid again his finger into my pussy. Now he soon got his middle finger into.

- Keep dancing, babe. Dance -he whispered biting the tender spot behing my ear.

I was crazed and discovered things practically just new inside my body, I sped up my rhythm as long as his fingers got into and out all the time.

- Soak me just now -he murmured fiercely.

I escaped a sob and twisted myself against his body among twitches. I leant my head on his shoulder. Roger took his cigarette and pulled a long drag. He placed it over my trembling lips with a smile and I puffed it deeply. My electrifying locks stuck to my cheeks, soaked with tears and sweat.

- And now let's fuck with condom -he said stubbing out his cigarette with energy and biting gently my chin.

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- God, baby. It's beautiful.

- Let me to put it on you.

At last I have found the right moment to give him the gift so many times delayed, owing to his foolishness. Now he had won it.

- Are you paying my services? -he asked sarcastic swinging his bracelet around his beautiful wrist.

- You are wild, ok? I loved those panties.

- So do I -he smiled caressing my belly buttom in circles.

- Won't you sleep? -I asked with quenched smile.

- No -he shook his head energic with his eyes increasingly small and in visible decline-. If I fell asleep you will run away again and now I'm not gonna let you slip away.

I looked out of the corner of my eye his bags already packed awaiting the last details.

- But you do will slip away -I said starting my show.

- I'm coming back.

Fine, that "I'm coming back" didn't suit me fine. He didn't plan taking me with him. And it was quite reasonable. None of boy's girlfriends would go. Ash, charge! This has to be settle.

- Alright. You know what? I'm not sleepy. If you are gone for months, keep doing what you do so well. Or do you intend to leave me here half fucked?

I didn't know how I found strenghts and those words. After my amazing orgasm in the car we didn't take a break. My greatest wish was sleeping. Roger looked at me with his rounded blue eyes filled with hot surprise.

- FUCK!! FUCK ME RIGHT NOW!! -I shouted enraged slapping him over and over again.

My goal was driving him crazy. He couldn't fly America without me, without that woman in flames. As it was usual in me, when I was encircled with the difficulties, I became reckless and sometimes I couldn't control my dramatization. Sex wasn't my thing. I was learning as quickly as possible. I didn't know even what I was doing.

Roger grabbed me by the wrists to stop me from keep hitting him and stretched them well over my head. He let go of them and lifted my legs, burying his head between them. He slid his tongue deeply into my folds three or four times, powerfully. It was enough to cum helplessly within minutes. I could barely see clearly his wet mouth and his tongue licking it up all, greedily.

- I can't afford leaving you in London, babe.

I started to laugh among tears. The laughter choked my chest. I was a genious, a damn genious. I had got easily my goal. My ego flew free all over.

- If you stay I can't breathe anymore -he murmured.

Roger flipped me on bed with one stroke and climbed onto me, while my soaked hair was stuck to my sweaty back.

- I can't guarantee you can sit down properly on the plane.

I let out a joyful scream while I reached my hand out, searching for a condom.