Chapter 10: What to believe?

"You should've thought about that before you hugged me and cried on my shoulders for hours, Aiyah Klaire."

My eyes went wide after he said those words. Damn, of course he would mention those! What was I even thinking that time and I jumped off of my bed just to hug him?

"You want to go to states? Go. But I can't promise that I won't follow." He said, voice full of finality.

I was out of words, and there he was, silently waiting for me to find the right ones to say right now.

"You don't even know why I'll go there!" I screamed at him. The quiet canteen became more silent as every staff turned to look at us. I felt how my heartbeat increased it's speed, and I noticed how my brain kept on flashing memories of me screaming at a person and everything that was connected to that. It was so fast, and as it goes faster my headaches also increases it's pain.

"I know."

Well that cut me off. His voice was so cold it even cracked a bit. He knows? How? Am I too obvious? Am I that easy to read?

"I know. All this time I always knew that there will come a time that you will have to leave...Again. Just like you did last time. The only difference now is that you're saying goodbye."

Why is he like this? Why is he saying those words? He's making me sound like I'm the bad guy. But..I don't even know if I am not.

I wanted to say something. I wanted to defend myself but as always, I was out of words. I don't even know what I'm going to say. I can't remember anything like that.

I closed my eyes tight as I felt my hands clench due to constant pressure on my temples.

I took a deep breath as I tried to mutter words. I got to say something.

"I wanted to go here because I wanted to ask. I didn't come here just so that we can fight."

"But I wasn't the one who started it." He said under his breath but I was still able to hear it. He looked away and took a bit of his burger without even looking at it. What? Is he being serious right now? Why is he acting like a child? How can he do that? How can he casually say something cold as ice then on one blink he's back to being immature?

I stared at him in disbelief while he was chewing on his food with his mouth still pouting.

Is this it?

Is this the guy I fell in love with?

Why??

Not to sound bad or anything but if I was given a chance to talk to my younger self, I'd tell her to start fixing our standards on men.

"Why you? How?" I asked moments later. I couldn't process anything. My mind is all foggy and blurred, I don't even know which one to fix first.

He sighed before he looked at me, eyes full of emotion no one can explain what.

"We met when you're 14. You got admitted on the same hospital I were in. Actually, I was only there for a month before you came." He stated. He looked down, trying to reminisce the past scenes. He chuckled a bit before continuing. "You were one loud kid, you know. You got your nose stuck inside other people's businesses. You were always curious. Always asking questions, always wondering. I got annoyed... a lot. I wasn't really this goofy back then. I used to be quiet. I always tell you to go away, and you never listened."

"I'm pretty sure I'm not that noisy as a kid." I said. A few flashbacks of me laughing loud at my room late at night was one of the things that denied my said statement.

"And I'm pretty sure you are."

I rolled my eyes at him. I seriously can't see myself being noisy and annoying and stuff. I was never like that.

Well okay maybe I was.

But that doesn't matter. After my medication I always saw myself as the type of person to just sit down on a corner with a book or something. If not, I may talk to other people nut those were just rare times. I closed my eyes tight, forcing my self to get any type of memory that I have when those times happened but I got nothing.

"Stop forcing yourself." He said when he noticed me.

"We got together when you're 19. We were one of those normal couples, you know? Always hanging out, watching movies at my room, watching the stars outside you're balcony. Those sweet stuff..." He trailed off. He took a glance at me but he quickly removed his sight from me and turned his head to face.

" On our first year anniversary, we were supposed to go on a date. I just kept on waiting for you that time. Until someone told me that you left. Without any word."

I lowered my head. I feel guilty. But.. why? Something isn't right. Something is not going into place. Since I was fourteen...I left when I was twenty ... How is that humanly possible? The drug only made me forget for three days, why is he saying things that happened between us that almost happened in seven years?

Our timeline isn't right.

My head doubled it's pain when there are so many information to process. I couldn't think of anything.

"You're lying." I said out of frustration.

"Klaire I'm-"

"Don't you dare call me that! I already told you Joshua. Don't call me that. " I said. Calling me Klaire only makes things worse. He's lying. I know. What he's saying is wrong.

Seven years.. That's impossible. I wasn't with him for seven years. I stood up and left there when I felt my tears forming on the corners of my eyes and ran towards the elevator, not minding how Joshua tried to follow of how the few nurses that saw me asked if I was okay and if I needed assistance. I pressed the close button many times, as it also helps me get rid of my frustration. When it closed, I screamed on the top of my lungs while my tears flowed down like water falls.

Damn it, everything he said just made things worse! When is this ever gonna make sense?!

I forgot my life for three days. Three days only. Where the heck did the seven years come from?

I ran inside my room the moment the elevator dinged. I almost kicked my books out of the shelf out of frustration.

"Aaaahhh!!"

I aggressively ran my hand through my hair and scratched it to the point where it felt like it bled. My head hurts like hell and my breathing is so loud and shaky.

That's the moment where I saw Breeze sitting on the corner of my room with his head down while looking at me. His eyes show fear from what he saw, and honestly it was the first thing that got me back to my senses.

I slowly walked towards him with my hands reaching out, gently calling his name. My poor baby is terrified.

He ran towards me after he sniffed the tip of my finger. Like a son comforting his broken mother.

"I'm sorry baby, you didn't have to see that." I whispered as I pat his head.

Deep breaths, Aiyah. Deep breaths.

But it wasn't working. I was not calming down. That's when I decided to go up, to the rooftop. I needed to breathe and the cold wind can help with that.

I couldn't leave Breeze here alone so I just brought him with me.

And there I was. Sitting on the edge of the rooftop. Breeze was sitting quietly at the floor, while my legs where hanging from where I sat. I tried to calm my mind by closing my eyes and drift other memories to cover it up but it still ended up the same way.

Messed up.

It was too bad I didn't bring a guitar. It would help to calm me down. I looked at Breeze and smiled when I saw him as a cute white pup, just like the first time I met him.

"You're getting bigger." I said. My smile slowly faded when I remembered why I'm here. Everything is a mess.

Why would he lie to me? Why would he tell me that we were together for seven years?

I closed my eyes shut as I try to recall song lyrics to avoid asking myself anymore questions.

Now playing, 88th street by Sleep Alley

"I'm riding it out through 88th street.

Send all of my worries down this road.

I'm losing all of my conscience from the alcohol.

It's turning me down.

Oh, no.

Oh oh oh

Should I follow the voices? To change the way I was.

Or should I follow my own desire? To stay the way I am?

Cause I wanna be in the 88th street. "

A part of me was waiting for Joshua to pop out of the walls or something because that's what he basically does whenever I'm singing something.

And I hate that part of me.

I hate liars. I hate when someone is lying. But what I hate the most is that when they already knew you knew they were lying but they continue to do it.

Joshua is in a different situation. He lied about being with me for almost seven years, which is totally impossible. Gosh, I keep on repeating it.

Mom, or Carlo's mom wouldn't lie to me. She wouldn't gain anything even if she did. So if it's Mom or Joshua, I trust Mom more.

I sighed before I hopped down and tapped Breeze who fall asleep. I checked my watch and then I just noticed I've been there for an hour and a half.

Wow, time goes by fast.

I think I will just stay inside my room and play my guitar a bit before fixing my clothes, I still have a lot to pack.

Breeze waited for me to walk before he took his steps. I walked but immediately stopped when I felt my heart racing. My head burns.

I kneeled down while holding my head and believe me when I say that it actually feels like my head is burning!

Please, not again..

My knees were trembling even when they were on the ground, making me lose balance when I felt like my body was heavier than usual. The same kind of pain I went through weeks ago came back, this time stronger.

Breeze's barks were like an echo that never ended. My cries are much more quiet this time, maybe because of the fact that I can't insert anymore effort into screaming for help.

My eyes were getting droopy and foggy but I saw a shadow of someone opening the metal door of this rooftop and heard distant footsteps.

I couldn't even tell if he was walking or not!

Please, stop. Please..

The pain is like knives hitting my head, making its way down to my brain. I can't breathe. I can't focus.

My tears rolling down my face was the only thing that I can feel besides the throbbing pain on my head.

I closed my eyes and the image of him was the only thing I saw before everything went totally black.