1 1. I looking for myself

'' I'm mentally healthy. Although mental health is a matter of interpretation. ''

- From a coffee-stained card.

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Is everything that meets us is fixed in advance? If so that, what is remains for us?

What's the meaning of who we were if it's not us who is creating who we are?

Eh... I think about stupid things again, it's obvious that we are responsible for what happens to us, no one else.

I sighed loudly and opened my eyes. I was lying in my bed, in my empty apartment, alone as always.

Maybe this it's time to buy some pet? I've always loved being surrounded by animals and plants, but now I was afraid that I would not be able to take care of them properly, although slowly this silence and loneliness began to weigh on my mind. Having no one to speak to, I'm feeling how my vocal cords rust.

Heavy, I got up from the bed wearing only sweatpants, lowered low. I took my first steps towards the kitchen.

Most people go to the bathroom first or get dressed, but I couldn't survive in the morning waking up without coffee, necessarily soluble, with milk and sugar and a good cigarette.

It became a habit of mine when I was only fourteen, now I have twenty-two but, I still did not get over my miraculous addiction, and I don't even want to try.

In the beginning, when I moved out of the house when I was eighteen, it was problematic because I had no permanent place to live or work, but I managed, you could say that living on the street was a valuable lesson for me.

Now I live in a new city in a small cozy apartment in a small block on the outskirts of town next to the forest.

I owe it to my deceased brother, who bequeathed this apartment to me, and before his death, he set up a bank account for me to which he deposited money from time to time, so now I could rest for a moment without worrying about paying bills or providing myself with basic products that I need for to my life, such as cigarettes, coffee, energy drinks or quick Chinese noodle soups which I'm feeding on.

I never eat much, I used to be overweight which was mentally heavy for me, it did not match my idea of who I wanted to be, so I almost stopped eating and stayed that way until now. Often, being hungry, I cannot force myself to eat, or just smell alone makes me feel bad, and that way I'm also a vegetarian, which limits my eating options quite significantly. But that's not a problem for me, at least I can save a little.

Although apparently, it is dangerous for variables who do not eat well, I never had any problems with this. My wolf the most time is rather sleeping, he doesn't look up or take control of me. I have long ago chained him in steel fetters that prevent him from functioning. I even forgot how he looks like, I haven't changed in a good few years, and I haven't seen his wolf eyes since handcuffing him, but he doesn't regret anything I've done to him. He was only a cause of problems for me, I don't have any warm feelings towards him. Because what self-respecting wolf would not save itself from the torture that left it scarred to this day? I huffed, no one.

But it doesn't matter anymore, it was a long time ago and it doesn't make sense to think about it now. I shook my head to push the memories away.

The water finally boiled, so I could stop thinking for a moment and take care of making coffee in my favorite mug with interesting patterns. I always was a bit crazy about mugs of various shapes and designs, and it was the same with cups. Whenever I was somewhere, I was looking for original mugs to buy, even if they cost a lot.

Finally, the coffee was ready, I took the cigarettes and the lighter from the table, a then with a steaming mug of coffee I went to the balcony, where I put all my things on the balustrade and then lit a cigarette and took the first sip of coffee at the rising sun. Miraculous... I closed my eyes savoring the perfect taste of my perfect coffee and I muttered softly in delight, then opened my eyes and started watching the forest. It always calmed me, a I had a tiring day ahead of me.

I have the scheduled conversation which is waiting for me, it is with a local Alpha whose pack had its territory here, quite large because it covered the entire city, and according to the laws of paranormal beings, when you enter someone's territory, you must report to the authorities within three days to get permission to stay there. It's quite bothersome, so I've never been in someone else's territory for too long, and there's another reason too.

By the way.

The partnership is also known as a mate.

I do not believe it, because why should I love the person I see for the first time in my life, why should I let them dictate my living conditions, allow his to reprogram and imprison me?

This is rejecting and repulsive.

If I met my partner, I would like to get away from him and from the absurd feelings that I would feel. Cause now I don't feel much to other people and sometimes also about to myself. Likewise, with sexual excitement, I have tried people many times by having fun with them but not letting the matter to the end and each time I felt nothing but emptiness and weariness. On top of that, I have a problem with trust and when I feel something, I have a problem with showing these feelings and I don't like to show them, not in public. Only when I am alone in my apartment do I allow myself to feel some, but and most of the time I suppress my emotions and prevent them from entering out on the world. Apparently, it's dangerous because or they'll destroy me from inside or one day I'll just ther are all exploded at once. Well, for one will come out.

And I think too much again, I closed my eyes and I bent head. I've already drunk my coffee and I finished smoking a cigarette, there is no point in standing here and thinking any longer.

I opened my eyes and looked at the forest one last time, then I saw him.

There was standing there a large wolf with black as night fur and mesmerizing deep blue eyes, like a storm.

I couldn't take my eyes off him, only after a while, I realized that he was too big and his eyes too intelligent that he could be an ordinary wolf. It's a variable wolf and although at shapeshifters nudity, and especially only in half, as in my case at the moment, is something normal and natural, I that felt ashamed.

I stood motionless, not knowing what to make, on the one hand, I wanted to escape inside the apartment as soon as possible, and on the other hand, I wanted to go down to the wolf and dip my hand in his fur. I had never felt so strange before that so that I wasn't really able to analyze.

Before I decided on what to do, the wind changed and I felt its smell.

He was miraculous, alluring, and intoxicating. He smelled of wildness, freshness, forest, and herbs which was strange but alluring.

For the first time since handcuffing, my wolf raised his head and opened his eyes. He wanted to run-up to the strange wolf and play with him, and then have long and exhausting sex.

This scared me. He had no right to move, and yet he did it, and when it happened I understood who was standing in front of me.

Partner, my mate.

As soon as I understood this, I shook my head in protest, still looking him straight in the eye, I quickly ran to the apartment and closed the balcony door behind me, then I fall limp to the floor and frown. Why did it happen to me? And that's right now when I have a meeting with the pack to which this wolf probably belongs.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down and went to make myself another cup of coffee while lighting another cigarette to calm myself down. The only hope is that he is low in the hierarchy, so he will not be able to tell his Alpha that he claims his rights to me nor force me to stay with him, nor will I meet him at the meeting I'm having today.

This is my only hope.

Fortunately, I know one hundred percent that this wolf is not the Beta of the pack because I have already talked to the Beta, and wolves can sense their mates even during a telephone conversation.

Uh... How I don't like that word. Mates...

When I drank a second coffee I decided to take a long relaxing bath. For this, I went to the bathroom, and already after a while, I was naked looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I often hear that I'm looking a sickly and unhealthy thin, that soon only bones will stay from my body, but I cannot see it. Instead, I notice big thighs and belly and fat dangling from my arms and a terrible butt.

And which version of me is real? This mine, whether the other people's? Or maybe it is somewhere in the middle? It's hard to say.

I looked at my face in the mirror, prominent cheekbones, shapely lips, and large eyes shimmering with a few shades of brown that sometimes appear black. The only downside to my face today were dark circles under my eyes and tired skin, not to mention the scars and discolorations on my skin, because I have them all over my body, on my back, arms, chest, everywhere.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, which was just reached below my hips, frayed, and a shade of deep red mixed with a cherry.

I tied them in the bun on top of my head to keep them from getting wet and I poured water into the bathtub, adding bath salts and shampoo to it to make foam, then plunged into the delightfully warm water that caresses my body and relaxes my mind.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting like this, but I guess I fell asleep because when I regained my clarity of mind the water was already cold and I was freezing. I never liked the cold.

I quickly got out of the tub and dried myself with a towel, then put on fresh underwear and black pants torn almost along their entire length.

I left the bathroom and headed towards the kitchen on my way to my bedroom for a moment to take the book I was currently reading from the shelf. It was extremely addictive and I thought about it almost every moment, which was rare for me because it is very difficult to interest me or fascinate me, I have very high expectations, whether for books or other things.

When I had everything I needed, I took the cold energy drink from the refrigerator, opened it, and enjoyed its taste. I love energy drinks almost as much as I loved coffee. I lit a cigarette and looked at my watch, it was nine o'clock, so I had yet four hours until the meeting.

The meeting was to take place in a club belonging to the pack, closed during the day, this ensuring complete privacy. Apparently, the club was connected to the pack house, but no one confirms it, and the members of the pack are only mysteriously silent.

Well, apparently this wolves like to be mysterious. I shrugged and started reading the book. Yeah, the hours passed for me until I realized that I had only an hour left to meet.

I shook off the world of fiction and closed the book and went to get dressed. I chose to wear a plain, mid-thigh black blouse with long sleeves and a loose neckline. I didn't like it when my neck was by something oppressed unless it was a necklace. Over this, I wore a black stretched hoodie and a leather jacket, all in black. I already had pants on me and I wasn't going to change them, I just put on socks and my beloved boots – glany.

I was almost ready to go, I only must to do was yet put on some light makeup on my face.

Yeah, I was a guy and I used cosmetics, but so what? If I want, I can, no one will forbid me.

I applied a foundation to even out the color of the skin on my face, then I covered everything with a powder, I applied a light natural lip gloss on my lips and slightly underlined my eyes with a black crayon, I applied black mascara on my eyelashes. And I'm ready.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I look much better now. My earrings accentuate my pretty cut lips perfectly, and the black crayon and mascara gave my eyes a slightly magnetic look.

I loved piercing, that's why I had a lot of earrings, three in my right ear and four in my left ear, and I also had snakebite in my lip and recently I added one more earring on each side. If someone doesn't know what snakebite is and what it looks like, it's his problem, I don't translate the names of the earrings. Phi. That to me still missing.

In addition to those visible at eighteen, I also made a piercing in my right nipple. I liked it a lot for a long time and finally, I collected money for it, it was the only piercing that the professional piercer made for me, friends made my ears and I took care of my lip by myself. Now I was getting ready to raise money for my first tattoo, but it was difficult because I had no job and I couldn't spend the money from my brother on it, I needed them for my life.

Eh, nevermind, I'll think about it later, now I have too much on my head.

I checked my watch, I had thirty minutes until the meeting.

I walked to the exit of the apartment, on the way taking cigarettes, a lighter, the telephone, headphones, and of course another cold energy drink.

I closed the door to the apartment behind me so that no one would come in by accident and I went down the stairs. After a while, I was standing in front of my apartment and headed towards the bus stop. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long for the bus and after a while I was already sitting in it, watching over the stops, to not miss my one.

Fortunately, we were going quite smoothly, or rather the bus was going and after twenty-five minutes I was close to the club. I still had five minutes left until the meeting, so I decided to smoke and finish the energy drink that I had opened while traveling. Slowly, I moved towards the club, which was already clearly visible.

Although it was not visible from my face and posture, I was nervous and apprehensive, I was afraid that I will meet there my mate. Oh Budda, please be with me.

I smoked a cigarette quickly, I think I broke my own smoking record. I threw the cigarette on the streets, giving an example of how it shouldn't be done, and I threw the empty can into the bin. I took a few deep breaths and decided to enter the lion's mouth, although in this case the wolf, but there is no point in arguing about the details.