A breakdown

'What is love? Why do we as humans always seek love? Is it worthwhile? To love? Is this all there is to love?' These were the thought that preoccupied my mind on the ride back to my apartment and after Adian dropped me off after many attempts to make me stay longer in that house, but how could I? I do not know if I should feel like a fool or if I should feel sorry for myself at this point.

I got to the apartment and it was dark, proof that there was no one in the house. I went straight to my room and lay on my bed blanking staring at the ceiling. I feel numb all over, devoid of any emotion and energy. Should I feel sorry for myself? Should I tell myself " I told you so?"? Love only hurts and then fleets away? Was I right? Should I have trusted the ideals I had growing up? Why did I go on and change them? For love? Who was I kidding? he never said that he saw me that way. Why did I go and get all delusional? Is it because of my inexperience when it comes to relationships? Did I read too much into something that was not there? But... no matter how I try to convince myself, his heartbeat earlier spoke to me. But I guess that does not matter, to him at least. 

After all the thoughts I finally dozed off but I was woken up in the middle of the night by a noise coming from the kitchen and I figured the other two were here. I did not want to get off my bed but I dragged myself out to go and sit with them. In doing this, maybe I will get the remedy I need to forget.

" Hey, lover. You are awake?" Hannah said cheerfully.

" I am sorry, did we wake you up?"Dove asked 

" If we did, it is definitely Dove's fault!" Hannah quickly added. 

" No, you did not. I actually waiting for you two besides I could not sleep anyway so it is fine." I weakly said to the both of them. I looked at the TV and found that they were watching a cheesy romcom. I had the urge to turn back and go to my room but I didn't, I can not let him get to my mind, emotions and then still let him get to me when it comes to choosing movies besides this was also my favorite movie.

" Come, come. Sit next to me." Hannah said signalling me to sit with her. I went to her and found a comfy point to lay my head against her shoulder, they resumed the movie and we watched in silence. 

The movie was cute, a cheerful female lead and her cold but sweet male lead. They fall in love fight against all odds then live happily ever after together. Movies made falling in love and out of love so easy it was at this point we saw Dove panic and say, " Alyssie are you crying? are you alright? What happened? Hannah how could you not see that Alyssie is crying?! Be a little more responsible would ya?!" 

" What? Alyssie is crying? That is impossible our Alyssie is as cheerful as the female main character we just watched, she never cries." She said but got equally shocked as she turned to see that the head laying on her shoulder was flushed and streaming tears. 

" Oh my goodness, Alyssie what's wrong? Why are you crying? Please do not cry, Alyssie whatever it is we will fix it together like we always do. Please do not cry, my friend. Hannah said as she pulled Alyssa into a tight hug to comfort her. She felt horrible because she had just said that Alyssie never cries but she did not see this because Alyssa did not make a sound as she cried and the room was dimly light to enhance the effects of the movie so she did not see that her friend was crying.

" Tell us what is worng, Alyssie?" Dove tried again with more worry lines forming creases on her forehead. The last she saw Alyssa cry so bad was after her grandma passed away and they were kids back then! Alyssa just sat there crying and did not say a word to them.

The sight of Alyssa crying so hard was heartbreaking for both girls to watch and Hannah being the most sensitive among the three of them, she started crying as well. 

" Alyssie please say something. Who did this to you? please, I do not like seeing you like this. Hannah is crying too now." Dove pleaded with Alyssa and to this Alyssa looked at Hannah and said, " Cry baby. Why are you crying?" She said with a sad smile, sniffling and wiping off her eyes. 

" Why are you crying? I am crying because of you. Have you seen how heartbreaking you look right now?!" Hannah exclaimed as she jumped off the couch to sit on the floor crossed-legged in front of Alyssa wiping off her tears as well. 

" You are such a handful," Alyssa said laughing a bit then added, " I am sorry to make you guys worried for nothing. The movie was just too emotional and got me crying." Alyssa said. She was not planning on telling them anything mainly because they would probably do something stupid if they found out. She stood from the couch and said, " Okay, let's go to bed, shall we?" Offering them the biggest smile she could master at that moment. In truth, Alyssa knew that the reason for her suddenly crying was because the movie brought forth the hurt she hid deep inside her, she avoided feeling sorry for herself when she got back from the mansion and instead chose to blame herself for reading too much into things and acting inappropriately in front of Calix. 

" You are lying," Dove said flatly with her arms crossed

" But it is fine if you do not want to talk about it." She added 

" No, it is not fine!" Hannah said as she stood up from her sitting place and stood in front of Alyssa with her arms stretched out.

" What is code 4?" Hannah said 

" What? Are you serious?" Dove asked incredulous 

" Dead serious, Code 5!" Hannah shouted

" That was in middle school." Alyssa added 

" Code 6!" Hannah continued.

" I am going to bed." Alyssa said as she walked around Hannah

" Code 4; Never lie to one another."Hannah said as she recited the codes they did to govern their friendship back in middle school

"Code 5; f one cries the other two must avenge if they can not then they must share her pain. " She continued then paused and said the last one very softly, "Code 6; You are not alone." Alyssa paused.

" Now I may not know the reason but Alyssa, you have never cried like that! So forgive me if I can not accept your lousy excuse and i won't the matter rest." Hannah exclaimed and she breathed heavily " So please let us know, tell us what is bothering you so that we can work it out with you." She concluded.

Alyssa's body shook drastically, she clenched her fists with her nails digging into her skin and steadied herself before she continued walking back to her room.

" Or we can simply share the pain. We do not have to do anything or fix anything but you telling us would lessen the burden and the heaviness you are feeling right now. That is all I want, so just let us share the pain like you would have done for us." Dove said to Alyssa who broke down on the spot. She fell to the floor and said,

"Every time I think back I remember my cheeks flushing from placing my head against his chest, I remember the warmth that crept from his body to mine with only the smallest contact, I remember .... I remember the sound of his beating heart and how mine felt in sync with his. The scene keeps playing over and over and over again in my mind and I want to understand why. Why? Why? Why am I feeling like this? What is wrong with me? " Alyssa said to Dove and Hannah as she clenched her tank top crying. 

" It is okay." Dove said as she hugged Alyssa, " You can cry it all out now." she said softly to try and sooth her friend. Both Dove and Hannah had an idea of what was happening, Alyssa just had her first heartbreak and they know who did it. 

" How do I stop the hurt? I came back and slept and it felt like everything was fine. But when I woke up, it felt like something was crashing my chest all over again. Should I sleep forever until it stops?" Alyssa said as she continued to cry. She was in a miserable state.

" I mean, at least he should have said no to my marriage propsal directly instead of ignoring me, right?" Alyssa said as she choked out the words.

" There there, we are here. Cry it all out. That jerk does not deserve you." Hannah said. She said the last part because she hated Calix for making her friend cry.