I'm in love with you Ch. 1

Chapter 1.

"Asahi Nibu, are you paying attention?"

Startled from the deep boom of my professor's voice, I grew riled with anxiety. Scrambling to gather my thoughts, he looked up from the homework he was going over with the class noticing me sitting in the back rows spaced out. I swallowed hard, my hands growing clammy from the sudden rush of anxiety rinsing through me from just one glance.

"Yes sensei, I'm paying attention." I shyly retorted, lowering my head beginning to follow the words he was saying until my chest tightened.

It hurts me to know this distinct feeling has always been the same ever since I was a child. It all began that one summer day I was in high school. A memory that only we share. Although I am now a freshman in college studying Psychology, my feelings for him has always stuck with me, gnawing and devouring my heart whenever it can.

I mean he wasn't my teacher in high school, in fact, he was my family neighbor. When I met Shibuya Izen when I was a child, he just started his teaching career. He was only twenty-two as I was seven. A whopping fifteen years of hoping he would see me, notice me, but nothing.

During those days of my fleeting childhood, he would sometimes come over for dinner and spend time with my family or walk me to school when he could. It was the little things that he did that stuck with me to this day. Because of that, I tried so hard to become an adult, to grow up and be the man for him but it was to no avail, I just couldn't reach him...

He was just too far away from me.

He was jaw-dropping handsome back then, and even to this day. He never married but he did once get engaged to a fellow teacher that he worked with when I was a junior in high school. Due to unfortunate events she died which devastated him. The light I once saw in his eyes vanished and never returned. So now he just lives day by day lifelessly in an apartment some ways from the University.

Every day I wish to be his light, but to him, I'm just a neighborhood friend. A mere ignorant child even though I wanted to be more in his eyes since I was seven years old. Now that he's thirty-six I'm sure he doesn't want to have anything to do with love, especially not with a kid like me.

When class was over I sat there still wondering if I should talk to him but he had such an irritated look on his face it provoked unwanted feelings. I can tell he wanted nothing to do with me, but that didn't deter me. I had to find my courage. Picking myself up, I got out of my seat walking slowly over to him. Eventually, I reached him, standing there nervously with my bright eyes lingering over him until he looked up at me quizzically.

"Asahi? Are you okay?" He asked, his robust voice washing over me until I snapped out my daze hurriedly taking out my notebook.

"Yes, I wanted to know if you could go over the homework with me some more?" Without another chance to speak again, he declined my invitation on the spot gathering his things in a furious rush.

"I can't tonight, I'll call you about the homework later." I obediently listened, watching him as he left for the day leaving me there watching his large back, admiring his large frame.

This scene left me depressed thinking to myself how I won't ever get through to him. At this point, I was constantly reminding myself that I would never be able to embrace him the way I always wanted and that's what discourages me the most.

The next early morning just after sunrise, I banged on his apartment door wondering if he was still alive. Shibuya hasn't answered my calls since last night like he said he would and I didn't want to sound desperate but I needed him since I'm already behind on my homework. But my plan couldn't go into motion since he refused to answer his doorbell.

Growing impatient, I lifted my body raising my hand over the edge of the door frame to find a small rusted key. Only I knew where this key was since I was the one who placed it there. You can kind of say I'm sort of a caregiver at this point in my life.

Opening the door, I peered inside the home automatically feeling a rough wave of gloom. The house was a pigsty and not only that, it reeked of alcohol and cigarettes as well. Standing here I couldn't help but ask myself, does this man not care anymore?

Climbing over the mountains of dirty laundry and empty cans of beer bottles, I finally reached his room seeing him fast asleep like a baby in his bed. Clutching my bookbag tightly against my chest, I sighed. I was glad that it was Saturday and he didn't have a class because I'm sure he would get fired if they caught him in such a predicament.

My green eyes glistened over him, anaylyzing him until my mind stuck onto the lifeless figure in front of me. I loved him. I loved him to the point where I couldn't even look at the parts of him whose even asleep. This is going to destroy me sooner than later.

Lowering my body, I began observing his sleeping composure more closely.

"Shibuya?" I gently whispered, touching his shoulder to wake him up. There, he opened his eyes staring at me in silence.

"What are you doing in my house Asahi?" He grumbled through his sleely haze.

"Nothing, but the door was open so..." I cleared my thoughts once he raised his head with his eyes growing defensive each second I spent alone with him.

"What do you want?" He snapped, scrunching up his face in the process. My face flushed with a bright pink hearing him ask me that. Gathering myself, my heartbeat escalated to the point where I couldn't think straight.

"I just wanted help with the homework you gave me." He groaned from my innocent response, uttering words that were inaudible but also filled with annoyance. Leaning over to his side, he reached into his jacket pocket taking out a cigarette from a pack that was already opened.

"Why didn't you just call me?" He began, calming down once he inhaled the smoke from his cigarette.

"I did, you didn't pick up." He ignored me after that climbing out of his bed to go to the bathroom to take a piss. Continuing to stand there, I began wondering what I should do at a time like this.

"Go home Asahi I will call you tonight."

"But it's Saturday I know you're not." I know I was sounding like a child but I didn't care, he has never given me any attention. I know that he thinks of me as nothing more than a student and I hated it. I had my own apartment, my own job, I was an adult through and through and yet I was screaming for just a hug from him. I didn't want to leave, more like, I wouldn't until I got what I want.

Once he was finished with his duties, he came out of the bathroom looking me up and down with disdain. Scratching at his stubble that was appearing underneath his chin, he eventually began rubbing the back of his head wondering why I was still here.

"Did you eat today?" He slowly asked unsure if he should make conversation with me. Shaking my head, I turned to the floor embarrassed to tell him that I haven't.

"I'll get something on the way back." My reply wasn't good enough for him. He let out a deep sigh, going into his coat pocket handing me cash.

"Treat yourself, I promise I will call you tonight about the homework." I smiled at his poor attempt at trying. Looking at the door, a million thoughts began rushing through my head over what I could do so I couldn't go home. I wanted to stay and talk with him but of course, he didn't want to do that with me. Clutching the money tightly in my hands, I was so immersed with staying I didn't realize the money was ripping.

"Do you want me to clean your home?" I eventually asked unsure of what other types of excuses I could conjure up.

"Hmm?" I piqued his interest once I asked that. Flopping back down on his bed he let out a soft grunt before staring at me with a strong intensity.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"N-No reason I just thought you needed someone to help clean up." He ignored me after that, quickly pulling the sheets back over his head so that he could fall back asleep.

"Suit yourself."

Sighing at his nonchalant answer, I began taking off my things getting situated. Scratching at my head I took another long exhale when my eyes moved back over to him that rested peacefully. If only he knew how he was the love of my life but still...

He doesn't know.

Folding his clothes and placing them delicately into a hamper to wash them, I thought to myself, why am I exerting myself to this point? I'm twenty-one years old, I have been saving myself for someone who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and what kills me the most is that I don't even know if he's even into guys. I know I'm not ugly, in fact, many guys and girls would find me to be an eligible suitor, I have a nice frame, beautiful brown hair but I'm still single which is why I think I should let him go.

But why is something telling me not to?

Sitting on his dirty floor my eyes surveyed the room forcing me to smile in tears. Sitting there, I grew an epiphany occurring to me that I'm an idiot and this man might just be beyond repair. He doesn't want anyone to care for him, yet here I am trying to push my way inside a locked door. But not just any ordinary door no, but a door that is rusted and bolted refusing to open because I know I am nothing more than a stalker at this point.

But I know him the most.

As time eventually passed, I grew hungry finishing up the last bag of garbage that was in his living room. As I was mopping the floor I was taken aback when I suddenly felt arms around me causing me to panic.

"S...SHIBUYA?!" I exclaimed in sudden shock from his strong arms around my waist.

"...Minami." I froze as the arms that were around me were not for me but for someone else. Even after all this time, his arms still reached out for her.

"I'm not Minami," I whispered to myself, growing awareness that he must have been out of it. Turning around, I felt conflicted once the tears that were in his eyes were something I couldn't bear to see any longer.

"Shibuya, she's not here," I reassured him, touching the side of his face until he snapped out of it smacking my hand away in retaliation. Falling backward onto the floor, he stared at me in a trance.

"Asahi? What...what are you doing here?"

"I'm cleaning your home, you told me I could do it." He snapped from my response grabbing the nearest breakable object throwing it at me hitting me in my face.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP COMING HERE!" I dropped the mop hearing it cling onto the floor as we stared at each other in silence.

Watching my blood drip onto the floor my mind couldn't put together what just happened. Ever since junior high, this secret was something that only we shared. Reasons why he always kicks me out. He hates me deep down, and every time he gets like this, it shows. How he thinks I'm his Minami, and every time he sleepwalks all hell break loose. Just being close to him is painful and yet here I am still trying to heal him.

I was silent, refusing to cry when I walked past him not saying a single word as he cried helplessly on the floor. I needed to leave, it's obvious I overstayed my welcome. Opening the door, I found myself with a stunning realization that no matter how many times this has happened, and no matter how many bruises he may inflict on me, the truth remains, I will always be madly in love with him.

Even to my dying day.

"The homework please." I stared at Shibuya with eyes full of emptiness when I brought my homework to his desk. Those steely eyes of his were glued to the band-aid that was covering the mark he gave me from Saturday. I didn't have it in me to speak to him. Unable to utter two words, I immediately turned around going back to my seat. I was hurting, and yet I'm sure he was hurting as well, maybe even more than me. He lost someone he loved dearly, what do I know about pain? After all...

I'm just a neighborhood friend.