1 Prelude
*" Cold.. I'm feeling.. Cold...
What happened to me?
Where am I?..."
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At that moment...
The rain poured- and it kept pouring, still..
The question I have for myself- also- remained as is, still..
As of which, onwards...
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*" Heavy.. I-.. I'm feeling so- heavy...
What is this? What is this I feel?
I'm grasping myself... thick~ly? I don't understand...
What is this? What's happening to me?..."
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Raining, and it kept on raining...
The question- still- remain as a question...
As of which, this coldness- is the only feeling- that touches me...
Questionable, inconscious...
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An another question came.
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*" Rain?Is it- raining?"
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A question, followed by another question.
A question, that ends with a question.
A question- which is- a questionable question.
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I questioned...
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*" Rain? Raining?
Is it raining?... was it raining?
Why?
Why?
I-.. Huh? Hey-? Wait-!?
I-.. I can't feel it...
The rain. "
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As my consciousness begin to pick up.
The form of a raindrop begin to shape in a wide sense, which cannot be felt.
The question was indeed solved and the answer was a question.
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*"Huh? Why? I can't feel it? I can't feel i-..
Huh? What? Wait-? Something's wrong...
!!!
I can't hear it!
The rain..."
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*"!!?
What? Why?... I didn't hear it?... Why?
Wait!... There's more!
There's one more thing."
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*"When-..."
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A question added... A questionable one.
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*"Since when did my eyes opened?"
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Steadily, my eyes were staring right up on the clouds of the sky. There weren't that much to see because it was hovered with darkness.
Such questions that are uncertain, unconcerning, yet, I cannot even seem to begin with.
For which suppose the eyes were to question. The darkness along with it, is also one to question. Now as for this scene beholding me, how questionable.
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As for myself...
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*" What is this? What's happening?
I don't understand...
What am I do-ing..? Huh!?
???
"Who am I?"
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???..."
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Another questionable question, in which again, the answer... I cannot answer myself.
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Not now...
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*" Huh?.. Wait- Wait a second!
'I don't see anything'
Why? I don't see anything...
Huh? Wait..? What is it I don't see?"
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For the moment I was about to close my eyes.
A questionable word enters in with a voice mixed in, spoken in distress.
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*"Ahh... I don't see hope."
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A very tingling feeling right between the very words that hold back my eyes open.
That voice- I had it in for question, uncertainty.
That manner of tone- I breathe it in for question, not so sure for myself.
But that word- took all those questioning. That word, it felt unacceptable. That single word, it was confusing...
Surely confusing- and vexing- but for some reason...
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I don't know.
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*" Hope? What? Why? Why hope?
What am I hoping for?
What's in it for hope?
Hope? Hope? Hope what?
Hope...
What is it with this word, 'Hope'..?"
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As the single word was questioned, it tingles around inside my head, right deep within my thoughts. That single word, it makes my mind question at the very thought of it.
The very tingling thought of it, makes my heart beat in the manner of many emotions. There was sadness, angriness, greediness, and disappointment.
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It was suffocating.
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A questionable feeling, I didn't understand. A feeling, I breathe it in for question.
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*" Hope? Why?
Why hope? Why am I thinki-.."
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Then, all of a sudden. A gushing of words came in, mixing my thoughts, filled with fear...
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*"Huh? What? Why? Why is it? that I don't see anything? Hope? I don't understand.. Why? I don't see any hope! It's hopeless!
No more Hope left. Not here! Not there! Nor here! Nor there! and there! Everywhere! Everything! It's nothing! It's hopeless! Not even here...
Why?
Why? Why? Why!? It's black! It's so Dark! I can't see it..
No matter how much! No matter what I do! No matter what I do with these hands! It can't reach! No matter how much I think about it! with this mind? it useless! There's no light! I don't see light.. It's hopeless- very- hopeless..."
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No light- indeed, as the lids of my eyes are starting to close.
The questions were left unanswered. The questionable feeling were left unknown.
And the questionable truth- didn't reach my thoughts.
But, the questionable word...
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It was filling up all over my thoughts.
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Yet even so, that wasn't the question actually, for such- is what I have been looking for. The one I've been searching for- It is-...
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????????????????
*"There's no hope at all!"
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A stressful angry tone came about from the very words.
As it was spoken. Suddenly, apart from my own thoughts. A question came..
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*"What is it that you seek for? Is it hope? Or a light in the dark?"
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A question voiced out, and it was from a woman.
When I heard the question. I was feeling a bit nostalgic as if I have recognize this words before. Something like, from a certain dream...
It came to me, sounded, like a spark of thought.
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*"Who are you?"
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A thought of the heart, I asked, but I didn't get a response.
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*"Hey! I'm asking you! Who are you? Are you an angel?"
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I insist on asking but still, there is no response.
I look back to the question she gave me.
I pondered deeper, putting more thoughts to the question, until, that very question didn't leave my thoughts.
Without realizing it. I was already drawn in closer to that question which was the hopeless thought of seeking for hope had ended up with.
Now that I got to think back again, about that single word. The question somehow, filled my heart with rage.
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*"You bitch! whoever you are! I won't forgive you for messing with me!
Hope!? Light!?
No matter how much you think about it. It's all the same!
For what's the hope for if it's not a light!?
If I seek for the Light! If I seek for the Light-! If I-... seek for the Light...? Hope is..
is..? isn't it all the same??"
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As I thought I knew. I didn't realize that the question itself was confusing.
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What is it really- that I truly seek?
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But then soon, a response came, and the same, came like a spark of thought...
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*"If there's no hope- Where would you look?
If you seek for the light- Which eyes will you open?"
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As hearing the voice the second time. I came in thought without a doubt, that- surely, her voice is what truly calms me down. The voice of the woman was finely tender and mature, which resembles a strong-willed type of woman. Hearing a such a voice, gave me security.
It was truly heartwarming and heart calming.
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I opened my eyes a little, a response from what she had said, though that's how I feel she had said.
But- seeing the sky, seeing the darkness that emits from the clouds- and the coldness, as I'm soaked up, washed by the heavy rain.
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I thought, despairly...
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*"Ahh... There's no hope in where I see it..."
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I closed my eyes knowing that it feels a lot more better than having it open.
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Closing my eyes, I wonder myself off inside my thoughts, and then a conclusion came to me...
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*"What if it's only just a dream?"
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Thinking hopefully so, I gave in to comfort and relief, until finally, I went into a sleep, peacefully.
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...
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Having a sound asleep. All I see was darkness, and silence was in the deep.
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But then, all of a sudden...
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*"Look!"
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A voice resounds from the darkness. It was that voice of hers, the woman.
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*"From where we walk- Aren't we always keep our eyes on the path?"
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Finishing her sentence, a light commence from the darkness. The darkness faded as the light fully commence.
And seeing as it was, it was like a door that opened, then as it opens, a flashing of many images came all of a sudden.
The images came by only in seconds, and it was vague enough to fully remember each and every piece.
But in each of every pieces, surely, there was something that I cannot forget.
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*"Ahh... that smile, it's beautiful!"
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A woman with golden hair. She smile in such a childish way, pure and genuine. It was the brightest! It was very beautiful.
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Now that I remember. There's this certain woman with a golden hair in a certain dream. Having such a perfect figure. She was standing by, right before the blackboard, writing something.
From the letters she was writing. My mind totally cannot process on what was written.
But far more than beyond that scene. It was full of light around. The background was fully bright and It was warm to behold.
It fits perfectly to her golden shining hair, in which, where my eyes were into.
Fully captivated by such a beautiful scenery and such beautiful hair. It was something like nothing I have ever seen.
Reaching out, curiously, and wondering in the thought of grasping such beautiful hair.
I reached out. not knowingly how much I'm getting fascinated to it.
Then out of a sudden...
An oddly loud beat of my heart causes my view to turn black in a second, like eyes that blink.
And as the light came, as if the eyes just opened.
She was already leaning her face as closer as to where mine.
Nevertheless the surprise, in a distance as closer as this, I still can't process her face.
And so once again. My heart pounded and in the eyes that blinked. There was never a huge light that came after that, and her face never found.
But on a certain distance, further. There was a glowing star, drawing in.
Seeing as it drew closer. A line drew on it's figure. The figure was a form of a person and has it's long hair.
It's seems likely to be a woman.
The further she drew closer to me, the clearer I get to see how her form takes while she ran her legs.
When she begin to take her pace...
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'Strange?'
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For a moment there. I thought she was going away far from me.
But now that I realized.
She was actually shrinking, and her pace was just catching up from the normal speed, until she started to grew back again from the size of a pinch.
After that, she began to get closer now. For as of what's coming after it- I don't know...
But further on, I realized, and I wonder...
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'What now? What then?'
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The more closer and closer she gets, the more anxious I became. Wondering, if she ever going to crash at me.
Her pace still didn't change from then.
Soon, as in the size of a ruler. She begun to shape clearer.
As she was starting to get more clearer. Suddenly, she begun to move so fast, which totally freak me out and had me wild in anxiousness.
But in all of that for a sudden. I somehow, caught a glimpse of something unbelievable, as she went pass through down between my legs.
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'Did she just smirk? For a second??'
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I bend down in reaction and see through beneath.
But as I went down and look...
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'Nothing!?'
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I found her nothing. She was gone. And all I see there was...
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'Glowing... footsteps..?'
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The footsteps wasn't small, and it wasn't taking the direction towards. It wasn't trailed to her's, but in fact it was mine.
Then the footsteps starting to mark more and multiply.
Multiply, as if when you see it in a times of muddy after the rain, it began to cover each of every tracks until it took a certain form...
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'A tree?'
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The tree was huge and wide. It wasn't clear enough for me to see, but, all of it was made of a marking footsteps.
Vines, branches, trunk, leaves, and even fruits. Though, some branches doesn't have leaves, and some didn't have their fruit.
And then I, along with it, standing in one of those branches, and among all those branches, I am standing in on the longest of all the branches.
Wondering why is that, that the branch I am standing, is so different.
I look behind, finding the edge of the branch of what I am standing in. But, Instead of finding the edge, what I had found was...
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Already my answer.
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The branch...
It was reaching to something...
I was reaching to something...
Reaching to someone...
Reaching to something's precious...
And I was the edge...
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As I saw the two figure on the other side. My heart throbbed louder, and my chest suddenly felt crushing.
Then, by as quickly- as that moment...
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I began to run.
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Without knowing. Without thinking. Without wondering. Without myself for a moment. I just ran...
But, when I realize that the distance didn't change a bit, I stop, and I look down wondering how much of the distance I gain.
But, on that moment, I'm also starting to regain a bit of myself...
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Then finally, a point where I got to ask for myself.
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"What am I doing?",
"What am I trying to do?"
'What is this? What's going on with me?'
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I kept wondering, and I kept asking, that what is this that's came over me. I look upon on what's ahead of me. And quickly, a feeling of gladness came over me and it urges me to go further.
The Two persons face was quite vague to see, but their presence was something instilled deep inside of me.
The current self might have not recognize it. But the one that is something deep inside of me knows it.
As the feeling grows stronger and stronger. My eyes suddenly grown attach to them that it won't let them go away from the vision.
At that moment. It was starting to confuse me and I tried as much as possible to look away and refuse that feeling.
But...
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'It won't let go...
It won't deny...
It won't look away...
Why?'
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'No! No I can't! Don't!
What is this? It's scaring me!
What is this? My eyes? My eyes!? Close it!'
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Tears has already been streaming out of my eyes as I'm trying so hard to close it. Sooner, without realizing it...
I was already walking down my way ahead to them.
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'No- Don't go- Do not go there-
No- Stop! Stop walking!'
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"Don't leave me! MA--!!"
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An image, flash through between my thoughts in a second. And with along that image...
A voice resounds, resonating through my ears across my mind and crawl through beneath my skin, within my very nerves...
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"RUN!!"
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A flash of a memory of myself running away while hearing the voice of an important person shouting the word "Run"
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After the flash of the memory... I ran...
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I ran towards- towards the two precious person...
I ran, and ran, and ran...
I ran, like I'm never gonna have this chance if I haven't to...
I jumped, and I jumped even higher... Across the gap, and across the other side...
No matter what. No matter how much. Not until I reach it.
Screaming, reaching out to them.
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I keep on saying...
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"Reach it! Reach it! REACH IT!!"
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Then I kept wondering...
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'Why?
Why is it? What is this? Why is this?
Who is it!? Who is this that I'm trying to reach!?
Who is it? that I'm trying to reach to!?'
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As the gap still didn't change. The tree has been long far gone now, and left with a single trail of footsteps.
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Then sooner...
!!!
I stumbled...
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Then I felt something aching. Something intense that went rushing all over my body.
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And the cause is...
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"AAGGHH!!...
Dogs!? No!... Wolves! Black Wolves!"
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I looked, and what I saw was, Dark-Black Wolves, biting in all over me.
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"Ah! No! No! Stop! Ahh!!"
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'I'm scared! Somebody! Help me!'
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I look closely and saw something different.
The wolves, it didn't have four legs.
Knowing on by their complete details. The wolves rear half part, didn't exist. They only have their heads and their two front paws. Their lower half was kind of something- their tails? Or- more likely, a common image of a ghost.
Their tails were connected onto something. It was connected to my footsteps. And then each of every footsteps that I made had a single black wolves. Few had caught up, and more is yet to come. As I see them as many shadows running and rushing, like a stampede. I became terrified.
I try to seek for help, but there was no one around to call for. As for the only person that I could think of. I look back again to the people ahead of me, and once again I found myself longing and
desperate. I crawled hard trying to embrace the feeling, but after pushing through all the pain, the pain just got even more intense, and my view, they are starting to blur.
Sooner that I have realize- I was coming to point of waking up.
Then immediately...
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"AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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I screamed...
I screamed, waking up on a place I didn't know where...
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"GYAHH!! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT'S PAINFUL!"
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'What is this? It's painful!'
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An intense pain, cover much like all over my body.
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'It's hot! It's cold! What is this?'
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'Where am I?'
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Graspingly breathing, suppressing the pain. I kept on wondering about what is happening, as I'm down lying on the ground, covered in mud.
The sound of a falling rain, was all I can wonder . As the darkness surrounds all over me, I had no idea what hour it was and what's going on, as everything was limitedly visible because of the dark.
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'What is this? A dream? A nightmare?'
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'What am I doing here?'
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I'm feeling heavy, cold, thirsty, feels so painful around and inside my head. I have nothing else to think other than these pain and even I can't remember why am I having these, even to myself I feel lost and confuse.
Breathing deeply and thoroughly. It begin to settle down a little bit.
Then soon, as when the pain feels a little less and seems to be calming down a little bit. I brazen myself over and prepared to see what's gonna happen if I move. Knowing that soon I'll be needing some cover over the rain, it's partly inevitable.
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"Giggh!"
*BREATHES*
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Now that it's tested. I wandered my eyes around if I could spot a hint of a tree.
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I began to see clearer slowly as my eyes wanders around. Quickly, I made a decision to move as soon as my eyes were gotten used to the dark.
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"G-G-Gyaahhhh-hah!"
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Forcing myself through. I crawled over to the closest tree I found, and I stick my back on it. But though much about it. I found it so uncomfortable, so, I switch to lay down on the ground with my side. Though as it turns out. My head now is on a difficulty, so I leaned my head against the ground. Though, without having a cushion. It's kind of a bit straining to my neck.
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Currently, my memory is still going hazy, and my eyes were feeling tired that I wanna close them. But I must keep my eyes open in order find out what's in all of these.
I have get used to this darkness, as soon as possible, to get a good look of what happened to me and how did I get here.
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!!!
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A lightning struck down and it hits a tree. As it flashes, quickly, I caught a glimpse of my surroundings. In the moment I saw it, I knew it for a certain. From that burning tree... The tree on which at the top of the cliff. I remember...
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Seeing the tree on that cliff, I recover some of my memories.
Recalling a bit from where I have fallen. I begin to drown in fear.
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"Help...! Somebody..!"
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As I feared in my current situation. I began to remember more in my deep memories.
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Realizing so, tears came out of my eyes.
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"Somebody- Help...
...
Somebody! Help!... Please!"
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'Why?
How did it come to this?
Why? Why am I here?
How did it come to this?
How did it get to this?
What happened?
Did I make a mistake?'
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Tears flowed down from my eyes.
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'I want to go back! I have to go back!'
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"I- need to... go back..."
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'I'm not done! I'm not done yet- Not yet!!'
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"Stand up!"
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Trembling and shaking, I forced myself to sit back against the tree.
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"I have to... save them..."
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Graspingly breathing. I looked upon the cliff, thinking something- about the one thing that I must do.
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'Take me back! Take me back!'
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"I'm still... not done..."
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There's still an another way... An another choice...
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"I've still got... an another choice..."
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Forcing up that one thing, that one inside my mind, deep within my thoughts, within my heart.
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I shouted...
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"AAAGGGHHHH!!!"
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Wishing, and hoping, as I'm attempting to do so.
Sooner...
Just like a spark of light...
A sudden burst of pain, struck inside my head, and burst through all over my nerves, crawling through beneath my skin.
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I shouted- in pain...
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"AAAGGGHHHH!!"
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Crushing my head with both hands, the pain was like nothing I've ever felt before.
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'What is this? Stop! Make it stop!'
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"Stop! Please! Stop! AAAGGGHH!"
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Lost over through the pain I felt, I shook my head and smashed it over the tree, where I leaned my back against.
Hitting the back of my head had cause a great nausea and I yield to the ground choking as a result for grasping my breath.
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"I can't... breathe... It... hurts! H-...Help!"
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'Stop! It hurts! I wanna die!
No more! No more! No!
I don't want to do it..'
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Coughing so hard, I concluded...
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This life has to end, immediately.
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Burying my face, I decided, and made a single wish.
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[DIE...]
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A moment after doing so...
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A voice, speaks.
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"I REFUSE!"
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A strong feeling, as a fire that kindles, suddenly came out of me and begins to raged on deep inside my heart. Apart from my own thoughts, it came like a certain memory but was sounded with a strong tone of voice, that is of my own.
It felt confusing somehow, but in the meanwhile, convincing.
I beg, one more time.
To whoever whom that I'm begging to...
I beg it for one more time.
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'Is there really no other way?'
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'God, please help me!
God? God? You are there, right? Did you hear me? You know it, right?'
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I cried in tears begging.
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'Why?Why?Why?
What's going on!? What's wrong!?
Did I make a mistake?
God, tell me?
What is this!? What's happening?
How did it come to this?'
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"Why!? God, why!!? What is this!? Why is this happening to me?"
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A cry of my heart, voiced out apart from my own thought.
Then, what followed...
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What the hell!? (Mad tone)
In the end, it didn't change that much. (Regret)
Over and over! Again and again! It's always the same! It's like, I'm only just running in circles. (Confused)
No matter how much I try, and tried. No matter how much I change, and changed, and tried to change. No matter what choice, which of the choices, choices taken, choices I choose, chosen. Everything! Always! Everytime! All of it! Always! It's always the same! It always end up the same... (Forsaken)
Wherever I go... Whatever I choose, whichever it will be... It's always the same... It always end up in the same conclusion... It's like I'm running on circles. Ri-ght! It's the end! I'm cornered! Game over! Ha-ha! (Despaired)
I can't change a thing... (Admitted)
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Mixed thoughts, mixed feelings...
It came like nothing to me. All of it, I just thought without even understanding it.
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Then... A voice...
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"It's a L-I-E!!"
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A voice resound inside my thoughts. Mocking and trembling. It sounded terrified, going with the prolongs.
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He continues...
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"It's a lie... that I can't change a thing...
Because you know why? Why?
I can f-eel it!
I can f-eel my nerves trembling, and shaking..."
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'A dream? Deja vu? Why does this words feels like I know it? It feels...'
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"I can F-EEL my blood, Boi-Ling! and RUS-Hing!...
I can F-eel FEAr... Screaming! Screaming! that miles ahead there's a huge trouble..."
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'Why am I urging myself so much?
What is this feeling?
What is this that's urging me?'
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"I-... I-..."
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'I knew...'
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I closed my eyes.
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[RAGED]..
"They will PAY!!"
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[TERRIFIED]..
"No! No more! I don't wanna do it anymore, No!"
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[RAGED]..
"I won't forgive them! It's unforgivable! This is unforgivable! I will make sure that they will pay!"
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[TERRIFIED]..
"NO!! DON'T! Don't do it! No! No More! No more! I don't want to feel it anymore! I don't wanna go through that again anymore!"
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[RAGED]..
"Unforgivable!! They will Pay!! Surely! They WILL PAY!!"
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My Heart goes in tantrum and gone beat into crazy as it was both terrified and raged at the same time.
But, what's more of this, is because there's a great feeling of trauma, trying to recall a certain feeling...
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It is coming!
Again...
It is coming!
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[TERRIFIED, GREATLY]
"NOO!!! STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!! NO MORE!! AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!"
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[ENRAGED]
"I WILL SURELY BEND THAT CIRCLE!"
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I opened my eyes...
In an instant, all of my memories have returned.
And as they returned, it wasn't just like a spark of thought, but an explosion, an overload and outburst.
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I screamed...
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"AAaaaggghhhh~....!"
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Crushing my head with my both hands.. I screamed...
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Neverminding the pain.. I screamed...
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"No!.. No!.. No!.. Please forget! Forget it! Forget it! Don't remember it! Please! No!"
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I screamed... I cried...
I banged my head, crushing it to the ground, as I feel tremendous pain.
Not on my body. Not on my current situation. As for they don't measure up of the kind of pain it is.
But the heart knows it, and it knows how it feel, how it felt. It's like a huge scar.
Deep.. A very, very deep wound..
A great trauma.
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I screamed, and cry a lot.
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It was too tiring.
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"I don't want to see it anymore! I don't want to see it anymore! No! No! No! No! No more! No more! No more!"
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Processing over my memories...
Saying over and over again...
I've already wasted my voice and got no more left. Despairly, I'm left to thinking.
Words like "failure "and "useless" and "die, or kill me already", was all I could think of.
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But yet even so...
I feel like I have to go back...
Like something deep inside of me is telling me to do so...
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Huh?
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Go back?
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How?
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How do I go back, actually?
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How am I suppose to do that?
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Did I do that?
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Yeah... I don't know...
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That's why? Let's end this...
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This is it...
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No more...
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Settling it for once. I felt a deep sadness in my heart, like something is groaning. Feeling it..
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My tears fell- and that didn't stop.
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"No~.... Do-..n't... No-.. More... Plea-se...."
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Go back?
What's the point?
It's pointless!
Useless!
Stupid!
Because you know what?
It doesn't do- anything...
It doesn't do anything!
Everything!
Everytime!
It doesn't do that much...
Not much... Not much of a change...
There's nothing changed!
There is no changing in that situation...
All the time...
It's the same...
It doesn't do much...
Maybe for a miracle... Maybe...
But, I have given up...
Yes... I have given up...
That's because...
That's because...
Everytime I go back...
There's not much of change...
Not much of an interference...
Not much to interfere.
I can't...
I can't...
I cannot- interfere.
Just- merely- watching...
Merely watching it... beholding it...
As it happens before me.
....
I can't change it.
I cannot interfere.
Because every time I go back...
I forget- I forget- Everything!
Which was supposed that I had seen it before... I forget.
Everytime... I forget.
Everytime I go back...
Everytime I go back...
Everytime I go back in time..
I forget..
I forget the things I have done it before..
I forget the things- the things that I've done.
The things- which supposed that I've done it already.
Everytime I go back... I can't remember...
I can't remember.
Because- that's just- How it is!
Everytime I go back... I lose something.
A weapon to change my situation!
To change what I have to change!
To change- what is needed to change.
But- I don't have it.
I lost it!
I- lost it...
I lose it.
Everytime...
Everytime I go back in time... I lose it.
For that's just how it is...
Whenever I go back in time? My memories also go back to where before- to when before.
Back to where- when I can't remember what's afterwards...
For that's just how it is.
My mind resets to where, when the only memories I got is only on that time and the time before that. What's afterwards that, I forget- I can't remember.
The time I have been through where, when suppose it will be, became my future? Everything! I forget them.
....
But-
When I reach it- that time point.
Where, when I had triggered it, to get to the past? I remember.
....
I... remember.
....
Two different times? I remember.
....
Three different times? I remember.
....
After my main point, after the point where I've gone past the point where, when I had triggered it?
....
I remember.
....
Every pain... Every emotions... Every breath... Every weight... Every feelings... Everything- Worst after worst! I remember.
....
All of it.
....
I remember.
