Twilight

When Louise arrived to perform her morning tradition she found the door already opened. As soon as the light had hit the window I was wide awake. Though I ddn't get to do real sleeping. It was more a very deep conflicted thinking that lasted a couple of hours.

- Back to your old self? - she referred to my clothes. I was wearing the ones from when I got there.

- For the time being. - looking in the mirror I felt disguised. I wasn't sure if I ever liked those clothes. Wearing a different color of flannel everyday had been fun. Louise had more clothes obviously and she insisted that I used anything other than the shirts but I liked to just wear something because it was soft. I was sad to leave them. - Are you ready to go?

- What? - that morning she wasn't using her typical overalls, but jeans, a button up and a dark green jacket. - You're not gonna have breakfast? I made tapsilog.

For a moment we looked at one another. Louise with a teasing eyebrow against my frown. I wasn't hungry at all. Food hadn't crossed my mind until she brought it up and my senses automatically felt the smell of coffee and the taste of the beef.

- Maybe I'll grab a small bite.

Half an hour later we got on the solar truck with coffee mugs and headed to the station. Louise kept to herself the entire time. When the port got in sight she asked if I was okay. There was an insistent voice telling they would get me. I ignored it and told her I was fine. If i said that enough times it would eventually become true.

Passing by the guards was never easier. They didn't even take a second look at us, Louise belonged in the country and that was obvious to anyone. During the short period of time we waited at the port she seemed extremely unimpressed for someone who had never been at the edge of the world. Still when that horn went off she was got so startled I had to ask her to let go of my jacket or I'd end up half naked.

- I'm sorry. - she said while stretching the rugged fabric. - That thing is loud!

- First time it almost made me choke on my own heart.

Right when I had finally gathered the courage to ask if everything was okay the guard started the boarding process. Standing a few centimeters away from me I watch the back of her neck turn towards it.

On the boat she remained ahead of me at all times. Avoiding my gaze, always facing forward. I was beginning to think she forced herself to come. The air slowly getting cold inside my lungs just from the thought of it.

-You're quiet. - my eyes were glued to the wall of colorful neon buildings in front of us. By my side I could see Louise was doing the same.

-Am I? - from the corner of my eye I saw her breath out heavily as if she had let go of a hundred kilos that were sitting on her shoulders. - I'm sorry. This place brings too much back.

Bluntly I stared at the smaller figure waiting for more answers. Without moving her head, she looked back at me, totally aware of my concern.

-Yumi was just three years older than me, ya know? - the wind pushed the waves, making drops rain on my face. I stepped forward just enough that we would be shoulder in shoulder. - She ate healthy, practiced yoga regularly - even tried to make me join her but I refused so she forced me to jock. I ended up liking it a lot.

Hearing Louise talk about Yumi had become one of my favorite things. Every word that she said about her wife was so careful and well thought like she was reciting the most delicate poem.

- That was one of the things I loved and hated the most about her. How she could change my mind about anything. She did it until the last moment. - waves constantly moving underneath us filled the gray cloudy sky and the space between us. - That's how she convinced me to build the vine trellis. For months she researched trying to decide which kind of wine to make first. It was all she talked about during dinner.

Even without looking at her I knew what expression she had one. A smile of admiration, one so particular I could only see when she talked about Yumi. Accompanying it there were shining eyes dipped in something much deeper than sadness only described by a word originated on the opposite hemisphere. Saudade.

- One day after we finished picking up the grapes, she collapsed in the middle of the garden.

Images of the garden flooded my brain. I pressed my eyes shut to turn it off but pain Louise carried in her eyes followed me. As for her, she remained unbroken. Eyes fixed on something out of that world.

- We saw the doctor at the port. I begged her to let me take her to the city but she didn't want to leave the farm. - a tired, breathless smile escaped her lips. - She made me promise not to take her to any hospitals. We argued. I got mad and frustrated. Then she told me. - her eyes filled with the biggest mix of joy and sadness staring at the clouds above the buildings. - She didn't want to miss watching the sunset in the backyard with me.

Every word got engraved in my soul. All the afternoons we sat in the kitchen doorsteps facing the garden with our hot mugs. Louise talking about the amount of coffee I drank while dying to take a sip. Those moments turned into treasures. Memories I would save with me for as long as I lived. Nothing would stop me from protecting Louise and that farm. No one.

Quiet, letting the waves resonate inside me, I reached for her hand. Holding it in mine it felt so big and warm. While we both watched the white sky I felt a squeeze which I returned with a tighter one.