Spruce News (Part 1)

I did something that I haven't done in a very long time. I actually bought a newspaper. I mentioned being curious about whether or not my actions last night were successful, so I set out with the purpose of acquiring a copy of the current print. As the faithful employee that I am, I obviously bought the newspaper of my own agency, Spruce News.

There are some things I'd like to clarify at this point, this is a controversial decision that has to be elaborated for you to make any sense. First of all, it's the objectively best newspaper in the entire city. I mean, we have the most turtles under employment (two), the best designers, the best contracted photographers, the freshest news, the most magnificent building, the best wages, the best cooks in the canteen, the best colourful balloons and last but not least, the mostest honestest of honest journalists.

The company policy of never telling lies or publishing intentionally misguiding stories is something that every employee lives, breathes and indulges in. Not only on the job, but in private too. We are very proud of that. That, and the fact that Spruce News is the last bastion, the radiant beacon of source-based journalism! Fighting for freedom, French Fries and everything that's good in the world!

You might be wondering about the name though. It's an elaborately crafted, eye-catching name with an intriguing and exciting history! The story goes like this: The founder of Spruce News was a beaver. He couldn't find a name he was satisfied with. Dejected, he went to grab a bite at the nearby stall and ordered his favourite food. And with the food came the enlightenment of the century! The end.

Not convinced? I can't really fault you there. Anyways. About the news articles. After returning home and sitting down in my custom chair (a rectangular, sturdy fabric loosely placed between two sticks, almost like one of those hammocks the turtle navy uses, but with a significant difference: it's not horizontal but in a 50° angle and there's a rope apparatus that straightens when I pull, which in turn pushes me out of my seat should I feel the need to get up again), I pulled out the newspaper and started reading.

I had to hand it to my colleagues, they knew what they were doing. A big picture of Hugo being interviewed on the cover page. I think a former editor once told me that mentioning Hugo in the headline boosts sales by about 30%, showing a picture of him increases the sales amount by more than 70%. Goes to show how many animals actually take the time to read the headlines and how many just scour the newspaper for the front page picture. Also tells you a lot about the popularity of the sadistic, extorting, unscrupulous, lazy and (unfortunately) very charismatic cat.

"SALT ASSAULT – Hugo's Announcement-Feast gets cut short – Exclusive Interview!"

That's a decent headline. The article started off with describing the date, weather, location and purpose of the event. The author attended too, got invited as media personnel to provide publicity. Described that the event was incredibly popular, that they had to install additional tables for the food and that the hall was packed. Mentioned the incredible holographic display too. I hope Dustin Beaver read the article, he should be proud of his work. The author then described the abrupt shift in behaviour. After that followed the part that I was actually interested in:

"About 10 minutes after the magnificent holo-show, Hugo asked for a microphone and walked up to the podium. He declared that the purpose of today's event was to announce that he'd hold a parade in 2 weeks, Saturday the 10th of July. More details would be released in a week. The parade would be used for a big announcement! Cheers erupted. He then officially ended the feast and stated that he would be available for further questions."

The article mentioned that this seemed strange since there was a lot of food left over. Upon trying to eat some tuna, the author realized that the food was incredibly salty. She then confirmed that she wasn't the only one who noticed, stating that the water troughs were "almost overrun", evidenced by a second picture. The interview followed right after this (I skipped the pleasantries and went straight to the interesting parts):

"Mr. Hugo, how would you sum up today's event?"

>"My team and I worked tirelessly to ensure that things would go smoothly."

"That sounds like something didn't go according to plan. The venue was packed and the pelican band was outstanding, the announcement was a success!"

>"Our intention was to hold a great feast to celebrate the announcement. But the feast got sabotaged. Someone poured salt across every single dish on two of the three tables. This rendered most of the food inedible, so I had to call the feast off. Our event team anticipated elevated water consumption due to the heat, but the infrastructure couldn't support the increased demand following the deliberate contamination of all the delicious tuna the guests brought."

"That's very unfortunate, I bet everyone really tried their hardest to make this feast possible. However, judging from your tone, it seems like you actually already know the culprit?"

>"Yes, we have already confirmed the identity of the meddler."

That was a big fat lie, Mr. Hugo the Cat.

"Wow, outstanding! Could you share the results of your investigation with our humble newspaper?"

>"But of course. There is a particular rat who is very envious of my success. You might have heard of him already. I don't want to give him the publicity he aspires by mentioning his name though, I apologize for that."

Told ya.

"Alright, no offense taken. Do you have any details to share regarding the scheduled event on July 10th?"

>"Plenty, but I want to keep the matters of the event a secret. It would be very sad if I spoiled the fun! Just one thing: Everyone is invited to attend. Location and time will be released, so stay vigilant!"