3 On repeat

Whenever I remember the people who I treated unfairly, I keep seeing their faces and hearing their voices. I keeping playing the incidents on repeat inside my head. It's chaotic. It turns into a mantra that haunts me! It's there when I fall asleep and ready to greet me when I wake up. It simply picks up where it left off the night before.

I want to scream at them to go away! It's guilt as well as anger mixed together. Anger at myself.

It's over and done with. Why am I punishing myself, yet again? I do this so much, it's become part of my daily life. It's the most effective way for me to spiral into despair and yet, I can't help it. I can't not remember. I have to punish myself because I never made amends. Those people may have drifted out of my life already, but the hurt I caused them didn't get any proper treatment from me. So how can I not rehash? I should have apologized better.

I should have known better.

I should not have said the things I said.

These individuals were very good people for even having tolerated as much as they did. One of them even told me that no one else would be able to put up me the way they have. And he is correct! Another one mentioned how much she had already tolerated when she finally snapped at me. This is the part that makes me most disgusted with myself. I would have been furious if I had to face my own behaviour from someone else.

I never really practiced placing myself in someone else's shoes. I should have done it sooner. It would have stopped me from doing so much dumb shit.

I wonder how they are now. Have they forgotten me completely? I hope so. I hope the hurt I caused them has already been washed clean through the passage of time.

I'M FUCKED UP! I'm not proud of it, but I will never pretend otherwise. I know from the bottom of my heart that I am an extremely difficult person to be around. I test your patience. I say stupid shit. I'm very stubborn. My way or the highway. It's messed up and I can only make a daily effort to change for the better. Sometimes I'm so focused on what I think that I don't even hear what the other person is saying. Even when they say no in response to my question, I keep asking because I want a yes. This is one of my biggest flaws. I need to listen more and talk less. I talk way too much. It makes me sick. I'm all talk and little to no action.

I need to let things slide. If I wish to be forgiven for my dumb shit, then I must have more patience dealing with someone else's stubbornness.

I have to stop getting angry and irritated. I need to learn how to surrender. It's not such a big deal. Why do I have to have my way? It's not as if I'm the smartest person in the room. Fuck! Why can't I just back down and let someone else have their way?