nightmares and memories

I'm walking. It has now become a familiar road for me, getting down at Mahim station on the west and walking straight towards the north. Then I take a left and I'm there, standing at the entrance of Navjeevan colony, Hayat's new home. She started living on her own after that argument with her mom. This is my aunt's house, it was abandoned so I let her in.

I am late, I was supposed to be here half an hour ago. I walk through the gate and as I do the watchman is glaring at me. The coconut trees on the side are stretching upwards, tall and proud, something that I'm not at the very moment. Paying no regards to the watchman who is now cursing me I make my way to her apartment. Not a luxurious place, really, but 2 bedroom apartment is more than a spacious place to live in for a single person. As I climb the stairs there's blood running down on them. They turn my white shoes all red and I pay no mind to it. I walk on the floor covered in blood as though it's something natural, the way it flows in my veins.

I reach her door step and knock on the door, I ring the bell twice, maybe thrice. I get irritated, first there's this blood and now she's not answering. She should've cleaned the blood, she would definitely not make a good wife or a mother. Why am I with her? Why do I love her? She is lousy, throws unnecessary tantrums, gets easily distracted and for all I know she isn't as much committed to this relationship as I am.

I push the door and it opens, it's unlocked. The moment I enter there's I feel the need to leave, the house stinks. It reeks of alcohol and of self doubt. I walk into the house and call out to her, she has the nerve of not answering. The audacity of this woman, she can't even keep the house clean.

I walk to her bedroom, my gait hurried, as was my anger. I opened the door and there she is, lying on the floor.

Pretty.....beautiful.

Her hair opened and sprawled across the floor, wet with her blood. A single strand of ther hair lays across her cheek. It's as though the blood's flowing out of her hair, it has merged so effortlessly, she looks like an art of a psychopath artist. A beauty only few would appreciate. Her eyes are open staring at me, brown and beady, her skin pale and glowing in the light of the strangely enticing room. The aura of the house was something different all together, it was gloomy, that gloom you'd prefer over any other emotion. The gloom that you crave on a Sunday evening on some stranded beach and wonder why life in a nutshell seems more pleasant. She was wearing the one piece that I'd gifted her, short sleeves that exposed all the cut marks that adorned her arms. The marks on her thighs were equally appeasing, those white lines spreading across her golden skin. I seemed like a mirage, something I'd deeply appreciate.

And then her luscious lips moved...

'its because of you'

Her dead voice resonated in the room.

And I woke up, gasping for air and sweat covering my forehead. It was still dark outside and for some reason my lunatic neighbors were arguing at this time of the night. The lights in my room were still turned off and I could barely make out the things in my room.

I layed back and closed my eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks and soundless sobs escaping my mouth. It hadn't even been a month since she'd died. It seemed unbearable.

I don't know what's happening

I never knew what was happening, neither with me nor with her.

I've messed up. That's the only thing that my inner voice is blabbering. My throat burned with all the screams that I was trapping in it and now I could relate to Hayat. I was feeling claustrophobic, like she always did. After spending some time not knowing how to justify and identify all the emotions that I felt, I decided going to kitchen for a class of water was the sanest thing to do. But it didn't help, so I took my bag, wore my shoes and left the house. Where to go? What to do ? How to not think if the blood that I'd seen at her place that day? How to under her dead eyes staring at me? How to unread the message she left behind for me? How not to feel guilty for betraying her ?

No answers, only her dead eyes aqnd angry voice running through my mind.

My feet walked on their own, I was seeing nothing but the red I'd seen in my dream. Her eyes which spoke nothing, for the very first time, her eyes were silent. And I tried to think of what she was thinking when she cut her vein. Maybe she thought of nothing at all....maybe she just wished to die because why not? Maybe she thought that I wasn't enough. I don't know. I never knew. I wish I did.

I went to the railway station and took a train to Mahim. I was a commuter for a time being when she was living there, now I was a maniac who visited just for unreal satisfaction, perhaps for the aura that she left behind in that apartment.

By the time I reached the colony my hands were shivering, I could feel each drop of sweat that slipped on my skin. It was when I was standing outside her apartment that I realized how hard I was clutching the straps of my bag. My knuckles were white when I entered the key in the lock and opened the door. And suddenly my irratic breathing was turning normal, as if her nonexistent fragrance in the room was the most comforting thing I'd ever encountered.

I did what I'd done that day, except for the knocking, this time I stepped in the house knowing well that she was gone. So I entered the hall, removed my shoes hastily and threw them in the corner, took my bag and put it on the sofa and lousily sat on it I closed my eyes, a cigarette, I needed a cigarette. My hands were still shivering when I reached for the cigarette box and lighter in my bag but wait a minute. Do I need the smoke to cover her fragrance, at least what's left of it? No no no no no. What am I bloody doinggggg? Smoking where she killed herself ! Where her things are still stocked in the cupboards because her mom didn't care enough to come for her ceremation, let alone for taking her belongings. My eyes were burning again and my hand was clutching something so hard that I could feel a sharp pain on my palm. Then there was a little warmth, and I closed my eyes tightly.....calm down......calm down... something flowed down my closed fingers.....calm down......her eyes stared back at me, emotionless and scarry. I could hear a sound echoing in the room, sobs, screams, blames thrown specifically at no one . It was a chaos, all the noise making it hard to concentrate, the sudden ringing in my ears, my burning throat and lungs, I couldn't breathe with all the noise! The warmt in my palm was still there and so was the pain but I'd rather have that pain than all the noise in the empty room. My eyes couldn't look farther the door, unable to look at anything else.

Calm down

My lungs burned ever more and suddenly my throat felt as if someone had torn it apart, and I recognized the voice that was screaming. It was mine. I understood why my palm felt warm and hurt so much, it was the lighter that had dug in deep in my flesh. I closed my mouth shut, not allowing a single sound to escape and took deep breaths.

Calm down ....

Calm down.....

Silent tears still escaped my eyes, she was still there right before my eyes, lifeless yet so demanding.

' This isn't fair...Hayat.'

I talked to the empty room

' this isn't fairrrr' and the lighter crashed on the wall I was facing

I cried..for a long time. Until I felt that there weren't any tears no more.

There was blood on the floor and I could feel the buss in my ears. My vision had these tiny black dots appearing out of nowhere and I was sleepy.

So I got up and went to the kitchen, fetched myself a glass of water that I didn't drink and made my way to her room.

It was clean, wiped off of any of her remnants. No blood, no perfume, no nothing.

The aura was missing. I wanted it.

Nothing was visible clearly, everything was a blur and my head felt as if someone was hammering it. Though all this mess I made my way to her shelf and took her perfume and sprinkled it everywhere. Spinkeld until everything smelled of her, until her presence was there again. Until I felt her on my skin again, lively and aesthetic.

I have no idea what happend, I could feel nothing, just HER smell and the black that dominated by eyes.

Her eyes weren't staying at me anymore. She wasn't there anymore. I could rest, and so I did. I went to sleep.