Chapter 8.1: "Wake up"

Something cold wet my forehead and I felt a caress along my face, a soft gesture that comforted me, a foothold in a dark and unknown tunnel. I was very hot but for some moments it was as if a storm broke against my bones, then the pains came and passed again and again; it was a nightmare.

I regained consciousness one morning: rays hit my body and when my eyelids opened slightly to illuminate my world of shadows and fear, I saw something wonderful. A woman, struck herself by the sun coming through the window, was lying with her head on the sheets of the bed where I was: her long dark hair covered her face, so I moved some locks with my fingers, hoping to see the her features. As her dark hair parted, I caught a glimpse of white bandages that were wrapped around her neck, just like her wrists.

Alex. Alex was alive.

I looked around realizing I was in my room and tried to get up, but a stabbing pain in my abdomen threw me back against the mattress, causing me to moan. I dragged my hand along my torso, making contact with a bandage that encircled my waist, taking most of my hip and abs.

In a moment I remembered everything that had happened and I flinched.

"Zey ...? "

Her voice was like fresh water for a thirsty man, sun and heat after a snowstorm. Alex had dark circles under her eyes but she was as beautiful as ever, with her dark hair, a stark contrast to mine, her full, pretty lips, her intense, haunted gaze.

"Alex ..."

She was about to grab my hand when she suddenly pulled away from me: "I'm... sorry..." were the last words she said to me before running out of the room, ignoring my voice calling her and my pleas. I had seen the terror in her eyes when she noticed my awakening.

"Her Majesty, are you okay?"

Keira Mellarc entered the room as soon as the doors swung open for Alex's escape and looked at me with a confused expression; perhaps she was trying to put the pieces together to understand the situation.

"Can you explain to me what exactly happened? "

I also addressed the guards who entered my room and waited patiently for them to tell me about the events I had missed during my rest.

"Her Majesty, it has been two weeks since she was found outside the walls with the court witch... we had to follow the procedures and arrest her. After treating her injuries too, Alex told us everything that happened and the woman who informed us, testified for her... if I remember correctly she said her name was Fiamma" Keira informed me concisely. I then asked for only her to remain in the room:

"I only want to talk to Mellarc, go out."

"I want the truth. What happened to Alex?"

"It's been tough weeks... She tried several times to kill herself. One evening I found her with a knife to her throat, but we managed to stop the bleeding in time."

Keira had a slightly worn face and her dark circles were conspicuous: I was sure she had taken care of Alex during my absence.

Now I had to try to figure out if I could help her get up or if it would be completely useless to try: Alex was not the first person I saw destroying herself with her own hands and I knew she was facing reality for the first time in years.

Keira remained silent to observe me, waiting for my order or simply other questions, but I could no longer move my lips, silenced by the immense pain I was feeling for Alex and it was not physical suffering, but much worse: I felt on my skin the despair she must have felt and the fact that I loved her had amplified everything.

I became aware of my sacrifice only at that moment. We had both committed a desperate and reprehensible act, yet I could not judge her; I was as sinful as she was, as mad as she was. I loved her, I wanted to stay by her side, but she would be the one to have the last word.

"Her Majesty?"

"Sorry Keira, but I have to talk to you" I got up from the bed with difficulty and put on the first dress I found in the closet, and then left the room followed by the red-haired woman. I glanced at her and raised my palm, pausing in the middle of the corridor and in front of all the people crowding the area:

"No one will follow me... I'll be back as soon as possible."

I sighed and started walking again, trying to stay upright and not skid from the weakness of my legs; I had been in bed for two weeks and my body still had to overcome the hard blow I had inflicted on myself. What was going through my head...? Of course, I wanted to help the woman I loved. At least I thought I could help her that way, because in the end nothing had changed.

She was more desperate than ever.

As I walked through the corridors of the palace my eyes met the sunlight and the rays that penetrated the windows forced me to half-close them. I slowed my pace.

Where could Alex be? What if she ran away to get hurt again? Keira didn't seem worried, maybe I could hope she wouldn't try to cut herself again or worse. It was the memories of that night of the ceremony that took place two years earlier and the vision of one of the towers that was clearly visible from this wing of the castle, which made me understand that I would have to reach the top of the building to find my witch.

It was the only place I could think of: I went back to walking more decisively now that I had a goal in mind.

Climbing the stairs turned out to be more difficult than I thought and not even my willpower would have replaced the strength I really needed: my legs seemed about to give way when I found myself on the last three steps, but I couldn't stop, not until I found her. I looked up to look for Alex's silhouette somewhere along the flat roof space, but even though the door was open, I didn't see anyone.

I held back the tears of frustration and tried to get up after collapsing on the cold hard surface. The wound began to ache even more and with more force.

"Curse!"

I gave up on lifting myself from the ground and slammed my hands against the stone of the roof, clenching them in fists and lowering my head: the tears began to flow down my face without control, as if my body had held all that sadness until that moment and now needed an outlet.

Why did it all have to be so difficult? I had no one to complain to, to cry with, since I was a child I had had to learn to manage alone and survive; I had asserted myself even though many men continued to underestimate me simply for the fact that I was a woman, including my father.

I had become a soldier, learned the art of fighting and wielding a sword when I was only 12, went to war at 18 and became empress at 23. I had never had a break for myself, I had never stopped to reflect on what I was feeling .

Would I have taken my life for the one I loved? If they had asked me years ago, I would have replied that it was nothing more than a stupid, irrational, insane act. Yet the realization that I had worn a mask for all those years and the certainty of having no escape routes to free myself from that prison that was called life scared me to the point of doubting that my attempted suicide had occurred only to help Alex.

All those doubts were blowing my head.

"From this perspective, we seem to be on the same level."