I am no longer available for things that mess with my peace

I hate that I always expect the best in everyone without taking a second to think about the other person's intentions. I hate that I always let my guard down so easily and people then take my kindness for a weakness, I came to realize that it is not everyone that is smiling in your face that wants to see you make it. I knew that I needed time to look back and to think about what I was letting in because clearly, I was attracting the wrong energy. 

I don't hate the person I am and I would not change the heart I have for the world but hate how I allowed things that didn't add any value in my life to devour so much of my time my precious time, time that cannot be taken back. I had been so ashamed of myself that I neglected the main person that deserved my time and I hated myself for that.

I knew we had a lot of fixing but the question was where I even begin. My life was a mess. I felt like I was drowning so deep and there was almost no way out but then I remembered the words of my late teacher. She always said that I should never give up no matter what and that I should always pray and seek guidance. But with all my sins where do I begin I thought but I know he will not neglect me he never has before. My life was rather miserable than glamorous.

If I could turn back the hands of time I would because none of it was worth it. I wish I had strength to stand my ground and to deal with the battle hands-on I doubt I would have allowed all this nonsense to get the best of me I have come to the realization I am a lot stronger than I thought. Reflecting on everything I just hope that I will live long enough to teach my children that's if I get blessed with bearing my own seed again everything I wasn't taught growing up.

You are the only person you have in your corner and the worst mistake they could make was to believe people viewed life like they did. That it is okay to seek for help when things are not making sense bottling things up inside would destroy them more than anything.

Having to fake a smile and making an irrational decision that caused me pain was the new normal to me now, well we are all meant to stumble and fall a few times the end goal is to get up, don't worry about the pain that is only meant to build you, stay strong and deal with your detours heads on. I hate how my foolishness and my wrong decisions placed me in the worst positions how could one be so foolish time and time again I allowed toxic people to almost destroy me. 

The worst pain one can go through is the pain of not knowing who you could trust and not knowing whether you are coming or you going that pain cuts deeper than anything. 

But I know this is my race so I stopped trying to catch up with everybody else because I knew my time was coming. I just needed to be patient. I needed to take accountability for my actions I needed to reflect on the choices I made and to self-cleanse. I needed to allow and to feel every emotion I was going through I don't know how to express the pain I was going through but all I knew that it felt like I was thrown in the middle of the ocean with no way out. 

I needed space from everybody else to deal with my emotions and to face everything that was happening around me. I was dead yet alive. I could not even fake a smile anymore. Even the strongest people break, one thing I promised myself that I will never allow weakness to destroy me again. I will never let temporally pleasure consume my time again, it is time that could never be grained but I am glad I went through all of that because if I didn't I don't I would have been the woman I have become, I have come to realize it is not everyone that is around you that has great intentions for you, learn to take your journey on your own and with your creator.

I vow to teach the next coming generation about choices in life I was a living example of making right choices. I do not want them to learn the hard way far from it rather I wanted to teach them everything I wanted longed to know growing up.

My life is not perfect far from it but then I remember that the creator remembers every single hair on our head. So I won't give up till I take my last breath. I won't give up there is so much more work that needs to be done so many untold truths many need to know. I did all I could do to survive to cope. I thought it would bring me happiness. And I failed at it dismally I knew that I was being punished for being disobedient time and time again and I needed to change for the better. 

 I knew that would not be easy. I had allowed myself to be a pushover for so long and I gave my love to people who did not deserve me. Do I blame myself for that? Partly yes because I should have known better. But it is self-torture to live in regrets it is stupidity to hate yourself for things that were beyond you. 

Use that time that pain and view it as a lesson, learned you to endured things that may have killed many. Tap yourself on the back more because you are in frangible, be proud of yourself for always bouncing back with that in mind always remember that you are only finding your feet.

You are not meant to be like the rest so do not be afraid to be alone. That gives you time to build yourself with no distractions and setbacks. Remember that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself, you're still learning. Keep going even when the road gets tough and you lose everyone along the way. You were born alone anyway when a person shows you who they are, believe them you do not need a snake to bite you twice.

Flee from anything that is not good for your peace cut off anything negative in your life that messes with your sanity because that would makes you a slave to your own pain. You have the power of deciding what you allow in. Be firm and stand your ground at all costs boundaries bring peace do not hesitate to set them.

I have fallen and resurfaced too many times for anyone to tell me that I am too weak or I am not worthy of true love and genuineness because I am the realist you ever get. I sleep peacefully knowing that I always gave people the realist version of myself.

I have come to realize that what is for me will come to me in clarity not with self-torture doubt and unbearable pain I knew that I should learn to be more patient so I did just that. The moment you realize your true worth you get to view life differently you get to see everyone's intentions and you realize what truly ever mattered which was your sanity.

The moment you do that one could never view life the same again and I'm glad cause there is a spark of light and that is all I ever wanted being alive again not just existing, but breathing in everything and feeling everything that could not be seen with the naked eye alone. I may have stumbled a few times neglected the greatest gift a life the Lord trusted me to cherish but I won't let my past define me but I won't give up.

I cannot afford too Ezile had come to see me a few weeks after my break up I was emotional and I allowed lust to control me once again. Foolish of me trust me I know there is no judgment you could throw at me that I did not know already. I made a choice that resulted in me getting pregnant. There is that word again "choices" such a short word that comes with so much consequences my emotions got the best of me and as a result placed me in the worst situation Ezile took Mvelo and Scelo because I could not maintain them I blocked me from getting access in seeing them. 

That is the only way we communicated by causing each other pain hurting each other was all we knew it was all we ever went through a toxic chain that refused to be broken.