Forgiveness

I learned to be careful trying to fix a broken person because you may lose yourself in the process some people are toxic and will pour out that negativity on you most of the time holding on to a toxic person does more damage than good. You will slowly turn into that person without even realizing it.

You are after all who you spend your time with everyone needs to fully heal on their own, they need to discover the root of the problem and to address it. Do not be a fool and be naïve to think that you could help them because you can't, you may lose yourself in the process your efforts will go unseen because they are the only ones that are capable of helping themselves. You may lose yourself because your number one priority is healing them if you love someone let them go so they can fully heal deep within. And if they are meant for you they will come back when the time is right. The last thing you would want to do is to neglect yourself forgetting that you are only human and that you can only do so much.

Your love for them will blind you at some point and you will tend to ignore all the red flags along the way. Their past may be the death of you because you would have to pay for the things you never put them through their insecurities may push you away from everybody else or worse even destroy you.

Your efforts will go unnoticed and it will destroy you more than anything remember that you cannot force a person to love you when they themselves do not know what true love is. Love should come naturally I learned that most of us are in denial of our feelings and we are very quick to blame others for our past pain and we never want to acknowledge our flaws rather we will find flaws in everyone else rather than looking within. 

Giving a person you care about the space they need that helps them, it brings some sort of peace in a way of living rather than living in denial. We need to realize that we are all still discovering this thing called life so do not be too hard on yourselves do not expect perfection from anyone.

Do not hesitate to walk from anything and everything that is not good for your mental health. Do not allow yourself to be trapped in that circle that brings endless pain, being true to ourselves will make us realize the importance of our sanity and we will not allow temporary situations to get the best of us instead we will pray and seek for a person who will feed our souls. That will build us in some sort of way that sometimes even means praying for our partners.

Some people try to break you down in so many ways but you should stay true to yourself so that they will fail time and time again. Toxic people try to cut you off from everything and anything that means a lot to you. They make you fall in love with them only to destroy you and make you feel like you are worthless others who envy what you have may try to break what took you years to build.

Never allow yourself to be their prawn flee from that staying in a relationship with a person like that or even working with them is very dangerous because they will destroy emotionally and drain you spiritually. A person who care about you will protect you by all means.

Toxic people are like parasites they cannot live without draining the life of the ones they claim they love or care about. We need to flee from such people and not look back because they will destroy you while smiling in your face they live their lives as normal whilst they destroy yours. 

They are bitter and filled with anger they do not know what love is and they hate the fact that you are created in such a manner no one could ever define so they will destroy you with everything they have. 

One needs to realize that this is a very wicked world you never know what the next person's thoughts are about many enjoy seeing you down and out. Some find pleasure seeing you in misery it feeds their souls.

We need to understand that we could never run away from our problems you have to solve them one way or another. So sometimes leaving and giving space to the person you love may be the best choice you could ever make. I have seen so many lives destroyed because of reckless decisions that were created by them in the name of love. And only realize that when it is a little too late. I have seen many life's lost in the process of it all.

Life is an experience do not overstay your welcome if you see the environment you are placed in is too toxic leave before you or a person in that environment leaves in a body bag if there is nothing you could do to change. Only they could change the view in life and only they can heal themselves it is not okay to be stuck in a toxic environment because of the fear.

It is foolishness to do the same thing over and over again and expecting new results. That may be the death of you break the cycle whilst you still have the power to.

Life is too short for you to be living it in misery one needs to understand that it is okay to be alone and to be in a relationship with yourself to take yourself out on a date to do your hair more. Build yourself to be the best that you can be. If you need to reinvent yourself and start all over do again then do that from time to time start a career that makes you happy or do whatever brings you joy and keeps you going that makes you feel alive.

There is more to life than what reaches the eye it is okay to reject business deals that hinder your peace because the work environment is toxic your sanity comes first and your feelings matter. What is not okay is remaining in a situation that destroys your peace time and time again. My dear time cannot be bought so use it wisely it's okay to limit your time, time cannot be bought or cut off people deals or anything that does not bring positivity in your life. Some people have evil intentions no matter how good you are to them. So do not let your kindness be the death of you.

A lot of us fear losing people yet their actions prove that they don't fear losing us. It is okay to walk away from anyone and anything that doesn't value you or respect you, you are priceless you are a limited edition. You need to stop settling your time is irreplaceable and peace of mind is the most important and priceless. So stop settling and stop allowing your low self-esteem, pride, insecurities, and ego hurt you time and time again. You are only human so it's okay to start again this is your race so set it at the right pace.

This weekend thought me that, 

Vuyo, Phumzile, and Gran are coming home tonight at least I won't have to spend another night alone in this house. I miss Ezile everything in this house reminds me of him I have been drowning my worries with wine I know that won't make my problems disappear but at least I feel numb for a moment.

"Mbalenhle what's going on like at all these empty bottles where is Ezile?" Said Gran, I could tell she was concerned

"He left me!" I said before I broke down in tears

"What do you mean he left you?" said Gran she seemed to be very confused

"I don't know one moment we were happy then Ezile arrived with the police and he was arrested for assault and attempted murder I tried to beg Ezile to drop the case but knowing him he enjoyed every moment. I assume Nkosathi paid his bail he arrived in the morning with a bag to say goodbye and left." I said in tears

"It is okay come here my angel you need to remember drinking will only make the problem worse," said Gran as she gave me a hug

"Grandma, I'm tired. So tired of this life..." I said

"Take your tiredness your pain everything that's hurting right now, my child, and use it for a period to reflect on anything and everything you better wipe those tears from those beautiful eyes for you should know by now what is meant for you will positively come in your life and if it doesn't it was never yours, to begin with. We all get tired from time to time use this opportunity to heal yourself and make yourself the best for yourself and the children get enough rest because you need everything strength. Use that time to reflect on what is important in your life, and then create a beautiful garment with that material of tiredness, to make you stand out from the rest, to make you stand out as a whole and proud so you enter a new chapter of your life with no regrets. I need you to invite yourself to stay within yourself. Listen to your inner child by you doing this with an open heart, without holding back, without fear. You will become wise and will be appreciated by many for your honesty like the rain that covers everything to soften the earth, to make it rich, to protect it from the blazing heat of the sun. And fertilize the earth accept the raindrops of your tiredness your pain your anger and let yourself be completely covered by raindrops of hope, joy and fruitfulness let go of things that are beyond your strength." said Gran

"I could die drowned under in waters, water is stronger than anything it gives and takes life, and how could one even be brave enough to be one with it?" I said

"You have been only listening to hear if you paid close attention to what I have been telling you then you would have learned quite a lot. You won't drown rather you will be reborn instead. Like the seed in the ground. You do not resist your growth rather you would want to blossom so you could produce sweet and mouthwatering fruits. You should not reject your growth do not reject it with negative thoughts and low self-esteem, guilt, or self-pity and endlessly questions thoughts about what you could have or should have done no one can change their past rather learn from it. Guilt will just lead to disaster and creates self-infected wounds when growth wants to take you by the hand and leads you to your true path a path with less pain. Allow it to. It takes you to a place that has no pain a place where the source of every inner strength lies. The moment you overcome that well you will see for yourself..." said Gran

"I'm afraid, grandmother what if everything gets beyond me will I ever be the same again?" I said

"My child, you are not afraid of your growth but fear losing control of yourself or control of the situation, you may be afraid of failing which is good. But you need to trust yourself more the time has come for you to give yourself to the life that you deserve and that life is with the most wonderful children the fruits of your soul!" said Gran

Her words of wisdom always made me feel better it restored me and gave me hope again. She gathered beautiful things along the way to discovering herself, but not things that can be seen with the naked eye rather she gathered wisdom and knowledge when she couldn't sleep and kept it to share with her children so her children would listen and learn to be the best that they can be even if life seems to be overwhelming.

She gathered lessons, she learned when she had hit rock bottom when everything was caving in on her, and shared them with the ones that mattered most to her to save them from sinking deep in their grief troubles, and pain.

She gathered precious lessons that gave hope stories that brought laughter stories that held that made us cope with everything going bad in our lives. She gathered things that may not have caught anyone's eye things that could not be held, but something that money could never buy which knowledge which became true treasure maps, to this life's journey. That was my Gran for you she was also so strong and had wise words that one could cherish for a lifetime it was her strength that kept me going even though everything seemed to be caving in.