16 The breakup

Alanis

My phone rings and the nerves kick in. Maddie is in her bathroom; I have decided to break up with her because I can't live with the guilt that is eating me up slowly. She thinks this is a normal night. This is our usual routine; I come over to her house and we spend the night together.

I am terrified because I don't want to hurt her but in the end, that is exactly what I am doing. I am in her life to cause her pain. I promised her forever and now I have to let her know that forever is not possible anymore.

I hear the shower and I know I have about 20 minutes. The caller ID is Beau. The excitement kicks in because I know I won't be able to decline his call. I already miss him and it's just been a couple of hours since I saw him. I answer the call with a smile on my face and his voice makes me feel at home "Hi boyfriend" his voice is soft and very inviting.

"Boyfriend?" I ask already liking the sound of that. I am a boyfriend. It feels nice to say out loud. I am his boyfriend.

"Is it weird. I said it before I thought about it--" I stop him "I like it. You should continue calling me your boyfriend" I am lying down on Maddie's bed in the comfort of her plush pillows but I would rather be lying down next to him. Water is still running in her bathroom. I would have to end the call once she is done. I still have time though.

"Then it's settled." after a few minutes and a couple of breaths he adds, "I told my dad" I hold my breath because I am scared that his father didn't take it too well.

"Everything?" I ask.

He sighs and my heart sinks at his next words "Not everything. I need to see his reaction. He is still in disbelief at the fact that you're a man. I couldn't get the rest out. I just need to take it step by step. It's a lot for him" I don't know who he is trying to convince—me or him but it's not working. I can't judge him because I haven't even thought to tell my family. I can already see their faces in my head. Darrien is going to make this a bigger deal than he is; he is going to try to make it seem like somehow it is my fault. Like I somehow made this happen.

"It's fine. You should take as much time as you need. I understand how difficult this is" I am being understanding but also scared to blurt out the truth.

"I don't want to take time. I want to be with you now. We will have to wait till the next full moon if we don't do this now." the urgency in his voice is chilling deep into my bones. "Have you called it off with Maddie" he adds. He is asking for a lot; it has just been one day. Just one day; he needs to be a little more patient.

"No."

"Why not?"

"The same reasons you haven't told your pack." I am deflecting and trying to guilt-trip him.

He sighs "You know it's different. I don't like thinking about you with her. Are you with her right now?" he sounds hurt. I shouldn't go too far as to make him feel bad just because I am chicken shit "I am gonna do it today, I'm sorry. It's just very hard" I explain.

He sighs again "Okay." he pauses and I hear him from a distance "Dad" his voice is shaky. I hear the person on the other end faintly "I'll call you later" he says and hangs up. Maddie walks out of the bathroom in a towel and smiles at me.

I drop the phone on the bed "You wanna go next?" she asks with a wink. I watch her as she dries up her body and then takes off the towel, not hiding any part of her body. I have explored every part of her body; so, it is not new to me. I sit up on the bed with heavy breaths. Shit.

How do I do this?

"Maddie, can we talk?" I say once she is done dressing up. She is dressed in blue shorts and a tank top. Her hair is a messy bun on her head and still wet from her shower. Looking at me she raises a brow obviously curiously.

"About?" she walks to me and stands just above me by the bed. I grab her hands in mine. This is harder than I even imagined.

"You look nervous, what's wrong?" I remain silent. Not knowing how to form the words in my mind. I should've rehearsed this. Now I don't know what to say. ''You're scaring me babe" I nudge her until she is seated next to me on the bed. I can't even look at her right now.

"We need to break up," I say and even out loud I sound like a heartless jerk. This is a bastard move but I think it's better to just rip the band-aid off. "What?" she asks in disbelief.

"Let's break up," I repeat.

She frowns and tears well up in her eyes "You can't be serious right now. Did I do something wrong?"

Shit.

"No. This is my fault. I don't want to lie to you and then end up hurting you. This is for the best and you deserve better"

Tears fall to her face and on reflex, I reach out for her but she moves away avoiding my touch "Is there someone else?"

Fuck.

Do I answer her honestly or lie to make her feel better? If she thinks there is someone else the pain will be more but if I lie then she won't feel as bad. I don't want to lie.

"Yes."

Her eyes open and the shock is obvious. The thoughts in her head are all jumbled. It's a lot to read at the same time. She is angry, I can hear her screams and they are so loud.

"Who?"

Now I can't tell her this, not until it is completely out there. "I can't say right now."

She stands up from the bed and I feel the slap as it hits me hard on the face. I expected this and a lot more. It doesn't even hurt; I have taken more blows but this pain is a different kind. I hate myself right now.

I can't let him do this.

Not yet.

I read her mind, confused at her words. What does she mean by not yet? "You can't do this to me. We have been together for a year. I gave you my heart" she cries. Still thinking about her thoughts, I don't respond "Baby, please think this through, don't do this to us" she reaches for me and I don't push her away from me. I need to let her express her feelings, if she wants to be angry, sad, I need to give her the opportunity.

"Please don't do this." she leans forward and smashes her lips to mine. I taste the salty tears as she kisses me and my heart sinks in my chest. I need to push her away but she is holding unto me tightly. The kiss is forceful, with desperation seeping through. She pushes me to the bed and the kiss deepens. I am not reciprocating; this is a woman that I kiss every time. We have done a lot together, tried everything but I don't feel anything anymore.

She is still crying and my heart is breaking. Kissing her now is me leading her on. I don't want her to think there is still hope when my heart belongs to another. I grab her by her waist pulling her off me. She can't match my strength so no matter how hard she tries to force this; it won't work unless I let her "Stop Mad's" I plead.

She shakes her head "No, I need to remind you. I need you to feel what we've always had." she reaches for me but I stop her.

"I don't feel the same anymore. I am so sorry for doing this. You can hate me, hit me, I will take it." I will take anything but her trying to reverse this break-up. For the first time in my life, I know what I want. I feel for only Beau and I will not settle for less.

"Please baby. Don't do this to me." I stand up from her bed because I need to leave. This is too much. I walk over to the window and she grabs my arm "You'll regret this" she glares at me. I am not even surprised because I'd be upset too. She is free to vent, she is free to hate me. I completely understand.

"I'm sorry" I jump unto the tree by her window and leave her. The last expression I get of her is forever etched to memory.