Chapter 21: Loath

People wearing black.

The white flowers are already getting dry.

My mother can't stop crying.

I see the photo... The old man's photo.

The photo that brings back everything.

Every smile and laughter from the good old days.

Every memory I can't seem to forget for they are too precious.

Every pain... Pain from the day he reached the dead end.

I feel pain...

I feel empty...

I am getting tired. No, I'm already tired. Tired of everything.

"Are you alright?" a familiar lady in her 40s asked me. Pity... That's the first thing I saw in her eyes.

I forced myself to smile and nod even tho tears are starting to brim in the corner of my already swollen eyes.

I think that was the 14th person for tonight who asked me if I am okay.

In my mind, I am already laughing bitterly. How can they ask that question when it is obvious that I am not alright? Nothing is fine. Dealing with death was never fine, it never is...

Nevertheless, I can't blame them. People got no choice in this situation. It's either they'll ask you if you are fine or they will say "everything will be fine." It's the most suitable sentence to show sympathy.

My mother is crying silently beside the coffin. My sister never left her side, supporting her because Mama might not stand it anymore. My brother and Papa is busy attending and serving the people here. Our other relatives and family friends are also here to lend a hand and help. Aly and Noe, they're not here yet, I guess they will arrive late 'cause they got home at dawn this morning after being with me ever since yesterday afternoon.

This is the second night of the funeral. The second night after that incident.

There was still no news of who the gun man is since Pops don't have any enemy that we know of. We suspect that this has something to do with the family's business.

"Hey," I heard a voice beside me.

I looked up, it's Kale. He looked tired. His eyes looked so weary right now.

Kale never left my side since the doctor announced my grandpa's death. He stayed with me, he let me lean on him, cry on his shoulder.

Again, I tried to smile, "Hey."

Kale sit beside me, we're at our garden but the coffin is still visible in this part. Mama choose to held the wake here, she don't like to held it in a chapel, she prefer it to be held here, at home... Pops' home...

The guy looked at me with gentleness, "You still won't look?"

My gaze dropped on my sandals then shook my head slowly.

I didn't look. Ever since the coffin arrived here, I did not look. I can't. The guts to take a peek, I don't have it. It is still painful, as much as possible, I don't want to remember that day.

Pops' picture was enough to make me cry like a lost little child. I don't know if I can handle it if I look inside the coffin. I might lose my mind, my heart might explode, my body might collapse...

"But it's been days..." he said with a small voice.

"I-I can't," my voice came out so broken...

He held my hand that's weakly laying on top of my thigh, my gaze dropped at it, "Alright, I won't force you..." my eyes are now on his. "But, please, if you can and you want... Look at him, he looks peaceful," he trailed off. I saw sadness flash in his brown eyes.

Peaceful? Really? I bet he's lying. How can Pops be peaceful when he was murdered.

"Kale..." I called him.

He looked at me, "Go home. Take a rest and sleep," my smile came out small.

Kale hasn't gone home for at least an hour. He is just here, beside me. I don't even have any idea where he get his clothes. The only thing I know is he is here, guarding and taking care of me.

"I will, but you should too. You need to rest, Nali. You haven't slept properly since that day. I will go home if you will rest, okay?" he casually said.

"Alright, I will take a rest so you can go back at your house, your parents might be worried now."

Kale nodded and stand up, I did the same. He let me lead him inside the house. I choose the way at the corner to avoid the coffin.

I bumped into my brother, "Where are you going?" he asked, holding a tray containing cups of coffee.

"Rest," I hoarsely said.

His expression soften then take a step forward and kissed me on the forehead. "Rest well, baby. You need the energy."

When he passed beside me, I heard him whispering something to Kale but I did not get what it was.

After that, he made his way outside to bring the coffee he's holding. I still feel Kale's presence behind me.

As I took a step on the stairs, Kale called me, "I'm gonna talk to your mom and sister. You go first, I'll follow later. And, I will only go home after you sleep."

"Okay."

Like what he said, I walk towards my room without him. Every corner of the house reminds me of Pops. My heart starts to ache at that thought. This is so hard. Damn hard.

The moment I open the door, darkness immediately envelop me. I go inside, not opening the lights. I just want the darkness to swallow me, completely. But magically, I felt peace-being here in the dark.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and turn on the lamp. Kale will be here later so I did not close the door.

I lay my body down on the soft mattress and wait for the guy to come inside. Minutes passed, he's still not here.

Maybe he came home already.

I felt the energy I had left is already drained. My lids of my eyes are slowly dropping. I'm sleepy. Hugging my pillow, I tuck myself on the bed. I want to sleep...

Third Person's POV

"Sorry, I wa-" the guy's word were cut off when she saw the girl sleeping peacefully.

Kale slowly approach the bed while looking at her angelic face while sleeping.

When he got closer, he sat at the edge of the soft mattress, not taking off his gaze on the lady sleeping. Tardily, he lift his hand to reach the slightly red cheek of the girl.

"You did great, Poppet," he whispered, adoration and pain were written on his eyes.

Remembering the memories with her, he felt proud. He's proud of her. How she got the courage to take the risk. How she got faith and trust in him. The days she overcome her fears. The changes she had undergone. Every little thing, every second, and every smile she had cause him... He remembers it vividly.

He softly caressed her cheeks, being careful-afraid to wake her up. "Just sleep, Nali. I hate to see you so exhausted," he said with sincerity.

"Rest for now. We still got a battle ahead of us," he emphasize the first word on the second sentence.

Because since the day the lady asked for help, the day she trust him... Since then, every battle the girl fights, every struggle she overcomes, every pain she felt, all of it... He considered it as his own. She's not alone, he is with her.

"I will go ahead too and rest. Wait for me, okay?" he murmured as if the girl is listening to him. Kale stand up then crouch his back to make his face closer to the lady. Then, kissed her... On her forehead "I'm here, Nali."

The moment the young man left was the start of the lady's dream.

"Nali..." the voice of his dead grandpa.

He's alive. That's what she thought.

"Inara, if you can hear me... Come back,"she heard a sob escaped from the old man.

Is this a dream? If this is, please never wake me up... She said as if calling out all the saints she know just to grant her the wish.

"Come back, Nali. P-Pops is waiting for you," the old man's voice broke.

Those words... That's the trigger for her to wake up.

Gasping for air, tears won't stop falling, heart aching, she's awake.

Holding her tightening chest, she uttered. "P-Pops..."

Like an excited girl waiting for her Christmas present, she ran towards believing that her grandfather isn't dead, that what happened to him is just a dream. Running towards the staircase, what she witnessed downstairs made her stop.

Right. He's not here. I was just dreaming... That's what she told herself when the poisonous truth dripped into her mind like acid.

Her knees fall, now she's kneeling while feeling the pain she forget for a second. Because for a second, she was happy, she forgot the truth, she believed that all of it was just a dream when in fact, the part where Pops is still alive was the dream.

This sucks... I just want to die as well...

Then, her body starts to move on its own accord. Her feet bring her to the salas, where Pops is... Her Mama and her ate were shock because she never came this close to the coffin.

Like a slave, she let her body control her. Leaving her in front of the coffin. The place she loath the most.

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