Not A Villain, Just Broken

"Ethan, I've got something to tell you." Kody said, looking at me. "Pay attention to me."

He nudged me, "Dudee!! Listen to me!!"

I suddenly looked away from the window as soon as I heard his voice echoing in my ears.

I got lost as I took a trip down memory lane.

I turned to him, "Yes, sorry."

"Are you really okay?" He inquired, "It's like you're not yourself today."

"Of course I'm okay. Just tired, I think."

"You already drank coffee," he said, pointing at it in my hand, "yet you are still tired?"

"Your body doesn't pass the vibe check." He added, "I shouldn't have given it to you."

"Sorry, I'm not a coffee addict."

"Nevermind, as I was saying," he shookt his head, moving back to the topic. "I have some news for myself."

"Really? For yourself?"

"Yes for myself." He replied, "I have bought a nintendo switch."

I facepalmed, "You spent all of your savings on a device?"

"Yes, it's worth it," he replied, "so I wouldn't borrow yours anymore."

"Sometimes you're really dumb." I said, "You still have to pay for the tuition fee."

"You should've told me ahead," he replied, "I guess I'm going broke.

"Goodluck with that. Ain't my fault."

We started moving again after a long time of waiting and sitting around in traffic, and the sun has switched places with the moon.

It's already 6:30 P.M, and we are still on our way to the dormitory.

I cannot wait to have a long cold shower for tonight, hopefully no one has arrived at the dorm cause that would be a bummer.

Having a peacful, relaxing shower at night is the best, it's my therapy for everyone. Try it for yourself, you'll be in awe.

It's even more relaxing when you're alone, it will make it enjoyable, and you can have all of the water to yourself.

If I was your dormmate, you are gonna have a bad day everyday.

You handling my monstrous attitude will be a challenge, if you can...no you can't.

Change my mind.

I dare you.

....

On our way to the dormitory, I was checking twitter once again, I decided to stalk the girl I annoyed a few hours back at the plane.

As soon as I checked her account, it was full of photos, minimalist and aesthetic ones. No sugarcoats, but her skills are actually good.

Her attitude isn't though, so minus points.

She hasn't posted that much photos, so I just turned my phone off, and decided to look at the city lights, it's still fascinating.

"Can I turn off the aircon?" I asked, pointing at it.

"Yeah, sure." He replied, "fresh air could do us some good."

I rolled down the window, letting the wind enter, caressing my face and runs through my hair.

It reminds me of how the breeze feels at the beach, especially at the pier.

The air feels so nostalgic, but I can't seem to remember why it made me feel this way.

Maybe I don't want to remember it after all.

Maybe I wanna leave every memory behind, so it won't hurt me again.

Am I doing the right thing?

I don't know.

Is it okay to act like this?

I don't know too.

Here I am again, questioning my decisions. I tend to be like this at some random times.

It sucks when you're mood shifts from joy to sadness.

You think you're okay then one minute later you start to break down and feel empty.

You know that there's a lot of reasons to be happy, but your mind can't take it in cause it doesn't want to.

It's trying to tell you that you don't deserve happiness because of how much you've lost when you were.

Your thoughts are killing you more than the opinions you've received from others.

People ask you what went wrong, but you're also trying to find the same answer. You are also there investigating how, why, when and what happened.

I've had lots of pains, wounds and scars. It's a reminder of how I've battled through that catastrophe and I still am.

I was not honored and satisfied with all the battles I conquered cause I vented the pain and frustrations to everyone who was very loving and innocent.

I made them feel the same pain that occured to me when all they did was picking up my broken pieces and loving me when it was so hard to.

They loved my flaws, everything about me. I never acknowledged them for that because I am so mad at the things and actions I never deserved in the first place.

The world has been weighing me down with sadness, doubt, fear, anxiety and wrath. I've never been good in handling it.

I want to have the capacity of controlling it, but it feels surreal and different if you have lived with it for years.

I don't even know where to start, maybe I'll live with this for a long time.

One thing I can say is that never let someone feel the same pain if you know how it feels, and how it breaks you.

Don't do the same mistake as I did because it is so disappointing to see and witness.

Don't belittle yourself because of the wrongs and mistakes you've done.

Don't be scared of changes.

Keep working on you, for you.

Little by little, day by day, what is meant for you will find it's way.

You deserve happiness, everyone does.

You just have to find it in your heart to give yourself another chance to be happy.

Don't let negativity hinder you, ignore their opinions cause at the end of the day it's still your choice, just make the right one and try to fulfill it.

Train your mind to see the good in all of the things that has happened to you in a tragic and hurtful way.

Positivity is a choice.

The quality of your thoughts is how you end up with happiness.

Stay kind even though the world is unfair.