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It was one of those days that John hated his fate. It was one of those moments he wished he could get back in time, travel to the days before and avoid everything, avoid the pain he would feel when Soran's angered eyes would land on him like poisoned arrows. 

Loving someone was hard enough as it was, loving someone who didn't love you back was torture and thinking that you didn't deserve that love made things worse. John didn't view highly of himself. He wasn't beautiful like the rest of them, he did not have perfect skin or a perfect body, he was not educated, hell he couldn't even memorize a few names and the worst of all he had been an addict and Soran knew about it. The most embarrassing moment of his life, the one time he was at his lowest, Soran was aware of and now, John believed that he saw him as someone weak. 

"Why wouldn't you want me to help you with your studies?" Soran asked him, obviously agitated by the fact that John kept telling him no.