Chapter 1

I remember that day, most people who lose a loved one remember the days they found out vividly. They will tell you that's when a piece of them died. For me that was when my world ceased to exist anymore. It wasn't just a piece of myself, it was everything in me and everything around me. My husband Caleb had taken our daughter Greer to school that morning, I went for a run before work, as I got back to the road I lived on, I saw them. The police car was parked in front of my house, a sign as ominous as grey clouds or the music before Jaws strikes. I thought about not stopping, I told myself to run past them. Pretend I lived at another house, just a neighbor out for a run, but I couldn't. I stopped out of breath as I always did and I turned to go up the walk way, that was lined with daffodils, which had always made me smile. I told him that once, that daffodils looked like little rays of sunshine, he smiled and the next week he planted the bulbs along the walk way. "This way you know the sun shines, where you walk," he told me. How I wish I could go back there, to that time and not hear what they have to tell me. I stopped at the front stairs to the front door, I refused to look at him, to acknowledge him. Maybe if I didn't he wouldn't really be there, or maybe he would realize they are waiting at the wrong house.

"Mrs. Rivers?" the officer said more as a question. I looked at him, I now had to face whatever he was going to tell me. He was a younger man, probably mid 20's, blue eyes, blond hair, average height and weight. How could he possibly be prepared for my reaction to the news he was about to deliver.

"Are you Mrs. Rivers?" He asked. I nodded and looked at him puzzled, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," he began.

Sorry, they're always sorry. Anyone who has every delivered bad news to anyone is always sorry, I'm sure they do feel bad, but what does sorry really have to do with it. Is it their fault that it happened, will it help my situation? They say it out of sympathy, but it doesn't offer much.

"Your husband and daughter have been in an accident," he explained.

I blinked in slow motion, everything after that happened in slow motion. I swayed, "Ma'm," he said.

I looked up at him again before collapsing on the ground. I didn't faint, my muscles failed. He knelt down beside me, "Are you alright?" He asked.

I blinked again and turned to throw up. Time seemed to catch up with me now and the young officer helped me to my feet. "I need to get some water," I whimpered.

He helped me into my house, I leaned over the kitchen sink and splashed cool water on my face, even though it was October and chilly outside. I cupped my hands again to drink and rinse my mouth.

"Ma'm, is there anyone I can call?" He asked. I stood up and closed my eyes, I sniffled and whipped my face with a towel. "How bad?" I asked plainly.

"The doctors are waiting to talk to you," he explained.

I grabbed my purse, locked the house and he drove me to the hospital, but I already knew if he won't talk then it's bad.

We arrive at the hospital and I am instructed to go to the ICU, a nurse met me at the elevator. She brought me to my husbands room, he was on a ventilator. I swallowed hard and walked to his bedside and grabbed his hand. I could feel the tears flooding my eyes as I stared at this man, hooked up to machines and bandaged all over. Another police officer and a doctor came in, "Mrs. Rivers?" The doctor said.

I swallowed again before turning to face them, I could feel the redness of my face as I attempted to hold myself together. I turned unsteadily and faced them, "Mrs. Rivers, I'm officer Tunnie, I was first one on scene at the accident," the officer said clearly uncomfortable. "It was a head on collision with a semi truck. The driver of the truck had fallen asleep at the wheel," He explained. I shook at the thought of Caleb seeing a semi barreling at him and no where to go.

"Ma'm, are you ok?" Officer Tunnie asked.

I nodded and turned to look at the seasoned doctor standing next to him. "I'm Doctor Lind, Mrs. Rivers. Your husband came in with a pulse, but the swelling to his brain was too much. I'm so sorry Mrs. Rivers but he's brain dead," the doctor said.

"And my daughter?" I asked grabbing for some sort of hope.

"Is there someone we can call to be here with you?" The officer asked.

"Where is my daughter?" I half yelled, knowing now with the officers question, she was gone.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Rivers, she didn't make it," the doctor answered me.

I fell to the floor in a ball of tears, like a child throwing a fit. I was throwing a fit, that in one swoop my family was demolished.

Doctor Lind and Officer Tunnie helped pour what was left of me into a chair. I attempted to pull myself together, and looked at Doctor Lind. "His parents, I should call his parents," I finally uttered.

Officer Tunnie nodded and left the room, "Is there anyone who can be here for you, parents? Siblings? Close friend?" she said reaching for straws.

I shook my head, "He was an organ donor," I remembered. "We saw his license, we can wait for his parents to come before we decide any of that," she assured.

"Can I see my daughter?" I asked.

She hesitated, "Please," I begged. "I'll notify the morgue, that you're coming," she said and left the room.

I sat there with the beeping and breathing of the machines, and wondered what to do next? No one prepares you for this, you think you found your life partner and you start a family and live happily every after. I walked over to Caleb's bed and squeezed his hand, I put it to my face, wishing he would wake up and I could feel the life back in his hand.

"Mrs. Rivers, I can walk you to the morgue," a meek voice called from the door.

I put his hand down and wipe my face. I turn around to see a small nurse, she's not prepared to see my six year olds dead body. When we reach the double doors to the morgue I tell her I can find my way back. I walk in, I verify who I was, the mortician uncovered my daughter, my sweet little Greer. Her light brown curls were still stained with blood. Her once warm face was white and cold. I stared at her remembering Caleb driving like a mad man to the hospital after my water broke. The happiness that flooded me when I saw her beautiful face, the moment I held her for the first time and swore I would always love her and protect her. A million moments played in my head of her short life. How happy she had made me with her giggles and the way she would call, "Mommy," I closed my eyes trying to will myself back into those memories. When I opened them again, I was still in a white room, still holding the hand of my baby girl. I could feel myself flooding with anger and grief as I looked at her lifeless body. Like demons clawing their way from the pits of hell, a scream unfurled its way from my soul. I fell on top of her little sheet covered body and sobbed inconsolable.

By the time I made my way back to Caleb's room, I was nothing, a shell of what person I use to be. Caleb's mom, dad and sister were there when I shuffled in.

"Oh Whitney," his mother said running over to hug me. I couldn't feel it, I know that she was but I couldn't feel her arms or her sobs.

My eyes were hallow all I could see was my baby, "Did you see her?" my father in law asked as if saying Greer would be the bomb to kill everyone in the room.

I looked at him and nodded as tears streamed down my face.

"Have you signed the papers?" His sister Casey asked. I shook my head, fixing my mouth to one side as if that would hold my feelings in.

"We are behind you," his mother assured, "My son wouldn't want to be this way. He would want to help others," she told me nodding.

I signed the papers and we sat there waiting for him to take his last breath. "It's ok Caleb, you go be with Greer. We can take care of Whit," his mother whispered as she brushed his hair back as only a mother can. At 1 o'clock in the afternoon the wheel my husband to the operating room to begin harvesting his organs, it was the last selfless thing he could do.

Where do you go from that moment in life? What should you be doing? There's no handbook that they give you on losing a family member lead alone your whole family. Another doctor came in after Caleb was gone and went on about they needed to know about funeral arrangements, where to send the bodies. I nodded as if I knew what they were talking about, but I've never planned a funeral, what do I know.

"Whitney, I'll take you home," his sister told me, maybe sensing the fact that I was numb.

"Do you know what Caleb's wishes were?" She asked as she drove me home.

I shook my head, "Did he have papers?" She asked getting frustrated.

"Maybe in his office," I said plainly.

"Ok, we should look," she said.

Casey was always very organized, almost to the point of being cold. It made her feel like she was maintaining control in complete chaos.

When we got to the house she went straight to his office, I meandered in and remembered him reading to Greer in his chair with her on his lap. "Some day daddy, I want to read all the books in here," she would tell him. I hugged myself at the memory playing out as if it were real.

"Here," Casey said pulling out a manilla envelope. "Ok, ok," she said flipping through pages, "Here, he says he wants to be buried next to my parents," she said handing me the paper. I look and nod, "Did he buy the plots?" She asked. I shook my head and shrugged, "Ok, well let's call the cemetery they have to have some sort of record there," she told me pulling out her cell phone.

Turned out he had bought them, "You're going to need to find a mortuary and get caskets," she told me. I ignored her, not on purpose, but because this was a lot to deal with in one day and my brain had shut down completely. My body was cold and achey and I didn't want to think or even know things anymore.

I must've fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and it was dark. I got up and looked at the clock, it was five in the morning. I looked around and all the lights were off, I stumbled around till I got to the light switch. I heard the coffee pot turn on, Caleb always had to have his coffee first thing. I turned and looked at the stairs waiting for him to come down and tell me it was a bad dream.

Nothing.

Not a sound.

I climbed the stairs until I got to our room, the bed was just the way I left it yesterday. I slumped to the floor, "What am I supposed to do?" I asked the bed.

"I don't know how to do this," I cried.

"Life," I yelled as if someone asked me, "Do what?".

I hugged my knees and cried, "DAMN IT," I screamed.

I could finally feel everything, like a tsunami it washed over me. Sadness, exhaustion, anger, frustration, grief, just waves over and over.

Finally I picked myself up and showered, hoping to feel clean if not anything else. I went downstairs and grabbed Caleb's favorite coffee mug and I remembered giving it to him. He had asked me to marry him and I was still in college. I didn't know how to answer, so I asked if I could think about it. I thought that we had agreed to wait till we both had our degree's but he said he couldn't wait anymore. I was shopping with my best friend and now co-worker, Beth and found this mug with a top hat that read, "MR." on it, and a "MRS" one to match. I thought they were insanely corny and couldn't be more perfect. When he came over for breakfast that Saturday morning, as he often did, I made his coffee and handed it to him.

"Did you get new mugs?" He asked seeing the black color.

I smiled and took a sip, "Mrs?" He asked.

I could see the light pop on in his head and he put his cup down and hugged me, spilling coffee everywhere. We didn't care.

I took the coffee and curled up on the couch, my phone buzzed, full of messages.

I don't remember much of that day Casey drove me around to make all the arrangements, I guess I didn't realize how many mundane things there are to take care of instead of sitting in your grief.

My parents and sister showed up, from Ohio on Friday, per their message. They stayed with me. My mom thought she was helping, but in actuality I just wanted to be left alone. Alone, to muddle through and remember life the way it was.

The funeral was Saturday, that way no one had to call off work, or so I was told. Everyone from my office at the law firm was there, Caleb's co-workers, neighbored and school friends of Greer. I couldn't help but watch them all in their own grief and wonder, does it feel like mine? Do they feel as empty as I do? Probably not, this was my life crashing to a halt, not theirs. Tomorrow was another day for them to go on as if nothing was different. However, my life was different, my life was gone. After the funeral, everyone that wanted to came to my house, they brought dishes and talked of memories. All I could think about while I sat on my couch, was who am I now? These people are still the same, they are wives, husbands, fathers, and mothers, but now I was not a wife or a mother. I was now just Whitney a paralegal. I woman with sadness and baggage. With sandy colored hair, freckles, and blue eyes, that have lost the light they once had. Caleb always told me I had a light in my eyes, that's how he knew he was home, the lighthouse of my eyes.

As I sat there trying to figure out how life would go on, people would come by and hold my hand. My boss came and told me to take it easy and if I needed anything to let the firm know. Needed anything? Was I suppose to need something? I needed my life to be unbroken, but no one could help with that. Was there something else I was suppose to need? The thought seemed foreign to me, needing something. All I ever needed was my husband and daughter and now that was gone, what else was I suppose to need. I stood up and walked to the back yard, I was suffocating. Suffocating on everyone else's grief. I looked out at our small backyard, there was Greer's playhouse and swing set.

Caleb made a huge deal about building it himself.

He nearly cemented himself to the ground setting the posts for the swing set. And the fit he threw when I was just going to order a plastic play house. "Why?" He asked. "I can build her a much better one," he explained with all the confidence a Dentist could muster. The roof leaked a little in the rain, but Greer's face lit up like Christmas when she saw a two room play house. You could've knocked me over with a feather, when I saw it all done for the first time. The tea parties we had in that play house. How Caleb played her knight in shining armor and fought off the dragon to save princess Greer. How was this all gone? How could it be that all I had left were memories?

"Whitney, sweetie, are you ok?" My mother asked as she walked through the sliding glass door.

"I don't know," I answered looking down at the deck. The deck that Caleb had replaced, which is where he got the idea he was a master craftsman and could now build anything and everything.

"I think maybe it would be good for you to talk to someone," she told me.

I assumed she thought it should be her. "What could someone say to me, that would help?" I asked plainly. I wasn't trying to sound snarky or angry, I really did want to know what would make all of this ok? What is the one thing someone could say that would give me the epiphany to move past my grief?

"Honey, it's not about what they would say. It's about what you would say," she explained putting her arm around me as we starred out at my husbands handy work. "Someone you could talk through this grief with," she added rubbing my arms to warm me.

"I'm not sure I need to talk it through mom," I told her.

"What?" She asked looking at me.

"I just need to find out where I go from here," I answered.

"What do you mean?" She pushed cocking her head to one side.

"Who am I mama?" I asked back.

"Your my accomplished daughter, Whitney Rivers," she answered trying to understand.

"No mama, I'm not. Whitney Rivers was a mother and a wife, I'm not a mother or a wife now," I told her as the tears burst from my eyes.

"Oh honey," she said grabbing me into a hug that only mother's have. That hug that makes you think life will be ok. The hug that puts back all the broken pieces.

After everyone was gone, my mother and my sister were in the kitchen putting all the dishes away, my dad sat in the living room with me.

"You just need to move home, cupcake," he blurted out.

"Daddy, I..I can't do that," I stuttering.

"Why not? You could get a job at the law firm in town, or the prosecutor's office," he stumbled looking for reasons.

"Daddy, my life is here," I tried to explain.

"No it's not. Not anymore," he said sharply.

I paused as those words pained my heart like a dagger. "Henry," my mom scolded from the dinning room doorway.

"I'm sorry cupcake, I just don't like thinking of you here alone in this house. Memories at every turn," he began and moved around on the couch uncomfortable. "I hate to see you shut up in this house, and ignore the outside world," he finished.

"Henry, it's been three days," my mom said softly. "She doesn't have to have the answers right now," she added.

"I'm going to bed," I told them getting up.

I went upstairs and sat on Caleb's side of the bed, I rubbed my hand over the sheets and his pillow. I slid off my heels and laid back on his pillow, his scent was fading but it was still there. I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to sleep.

It had rained, I could smell the fresh after rain air. I rolled over facing my side of the bed where the window was open, the curtains shuttering in the soft breeze. Life now has to go on, as it normally would.

I made my way downstairs, my mom had made breakfast. It was my favorite as a kid, apple cinnamon pancakes.

"We called a cab to pick us up, sweetie," she told me as we ate.

"Have you decided what to do with the house?" My sister asked.

I put my fork down, it hadn't occurred to me. Do what with the house?

"What should I do?" I asked her completely blank to the idea.

"She didn't mean anything by it dear, Winnie wasn't thinking," my mom assured me.

"I do know what I'm thinking," Winnie defended herself, "I'm thinking my sister just lost her family and I'm thinking this house may be too much for her. She may not feel it now, but it's a big house," she stated. My sister was always the more rational thinker.

"I think it's too soon," my mother told her sternly.

"I'm just trying to get you to start thinking about what to do next," she said smiling sweetly at me.

"Don't rush yourself though dear, you're not on a time line," my mother added.

After breakfast they packed themselves up and left for the airport in the cab.