61 Episode 60 - Facing Reality

"Scotty? Est-ce toi?" Ziggy called to him dramatically, as if he couldn't recognize the boy anymore. "Is it really you?"

"Jesus Zig. We still live together. I see you multiple days a week." His friend came over, shoving his face close to examine him. "Stop being so dramatic."

Ziggy wrapped both arms and a leg around Amari, holding him tightly. "I just miss you so much, tsé? You keep leaving me here alone. I don't know what to do!"

"What happened to Nicky?" Amari asked, letting his friend hang off him. There was a groan and Ziggy shifted to hug the boy tighter, leaning his head down.

"Ben là! He has been gone for two weeks." The man whimpered like he wanted to cry, but Amari knew he was acting. "Something about having to be with his wife's family or... Je sais pas, là."

The boy pat him on the back to comfort him. He wanted to say, "Je sais pas, my ass. You know I was right when I told you that guy's a fucking bastard," but he kept it to himself.

"Did he say when he's coming back?"

"Non. Another week maybe?" Ziggy released him a little and sighed. "Ah... I've been so lonely, I've been staying with Cate. You see what you're doing to me, hein?"

"You're the one who wished me wedded bliss. Are you taking that back?"

"Ah, non... I'm very happy for mon chéri." The man huffed and his body slumped, getting heavier on the boy's shoulders. "But I'm still sad for me, tsé?"

"Zig, even if I do get married someday, I'm not gonna leave you. I won't be able to live with you, but we'll still be family, tsé?"

Ziggy pulled the boy in tight. "I love you, mon beau Scotty."

"Yeah. I love you too, old man."

"Are you hungry?"

"Always."

Dragging him out of The Basement to the coffeehouse, Ziggy chattered away about the things he had missed not working at the club, and Amari was happy to listen. He enjoyed his time with the Li's, and every moment spent outside his comfort zone was worth it, but part of him couldn't help missing the familiarity of his little, makeshift family.

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"Hi everyone," said Amari with a small smile, the stage lights blinding him from his spot in front of the mic. He shifted a little on the stool as some of the audience cheered. "Uh, don't get too excited. It's just me tonight." A few laughs drifted up to him.

"Anyway, it's finally June. If you're a regular, or just know our owner at all, you know this is his favorite month because it's Pride Month. For that reason, I'm gonna sing Wrabel's The Village. Not just for the trans-community, but for my friend, and anyone who went through or is going through something similar. We all deserve to be understood and accepted for who we are."

He nodded toward the piano, letting the band know he was ready.

As he sang, he looked out over the audience, just a blur of light in his eyes, and knew Yangyang was watching from somewhere. He wondered what he was feeling, listening to the lyrics. Was it comforting, to have someone tell him there wasn't anything wrong with him, or was that worse?

For Amari, those words still meant he was different. If someone was telling him he wasn't wrong, it meant other people thought he was. He felt as normal as the next person, so why should he need comforting?

Yangyang still hadn't come out, but Amari imagined hiding was more painful. Not able to be yourself, to be honest and open, because you didn't act the way you were supposed to – because what felt natural to you was actually unnatural. He was willing to take the dirty looks he couldn't see and comments under peoples' breath over that any day.

But it was easy for Amari. That part of himself had always been the least of his worries. He didn't have a family to disappoint or friends who might leave him. Or, at least he hadn't in the past.

Shaking the thoughts from his mind, he bowed to the audience and band, then stepped off the stage and headed directly to the bar. Barely behind the counter, arms covered him, and Ziggy was kissing his cheek over and over.

"Scotty est tiguidou! So great!" He went to give the boy another kiss, but was immediately yanked away, a larger figure stepping between them. Ziggy groaned and leaned against the bar. "So sensitive, this one."

"So handsy," grumbled Yangyang, and Amari giggled at the grown men, fighting over him like children.

Little arms reached out toward him, tapping him on the shoulder, and he took Taitai from Yangyang's grasp, wrapping the child's legs around his waist. The feeling of paper brushed across his neck.

"What's in your hand? Sheet music?"

"For ba." The little voice was hushed.

"Tired?" The body in his arms shook and he smiled. "Words."

"Ēn," Taitai said sleepily, a small head resting on his shoulder.

Amari tilted his head toward the door. "Happy June, Zig. I'm gonna wait with them for a cab, then I'll be back to sing you some sexually frustrated George Michael. Maybe Freedom?""

His friend chuckled and gave him a pat, and he turned to head outside, Yangyang close behind. Walking up the steps, he heard the man stop and search his pockets. "Ah, I think I left my phone. I'll be right back."

Nodding, Amari continued up to the street. Taitai grumbled and shifted around, and he crouched low.

"Wanna get down?" The child made a noise in confirmation, so Amari set him down and grabbed his hand. "We're near the street, so make sure to hold my hand, okay?"

Taitai made another small noise and they wandered slowly down the sidewalk, Amari grasping the warm, little hand tight. He smiled, thinking how fun it would be to hear the child really learn to play an instrument. Soon he would learn to read and be able to read him stories, and discover his own interests and feel that rush of excitement over them. The whole world was open to him.

It was an unfamiliar and unexpected feeling, something that would have scared him before, but now he didn't hate it. In only nine months, he had gone from feeling almost nothing and avoiding any type of relationship, to falling in love twice.

A strong breeze blew by and he heard the rustle of paper, then a gasp escaped Taitai. The little hand pulled away from him, the little voice shouting "Ba's papers!" and Amari's heart stopped.

"Taitai!" He turned frantically, but it was too dark and the child was too small. He couldn't see anything. Only a second later, he heard Yangyang shouting behind him.

"Taitai! Get out of the road!"

Amari panicked as light hit his eyes. Headlights. He couldn't hear the child and didn't know how far away Yangyang was. Terrified and unable to think, he dashed toward the lights, arms wide, only hoping he could reach the car before it reached Taitai.

"A Li!"

First he heard the cry from behind him, then the squealing of brakes, the car swerving and stopping somewhere ahead. He collapsed to his knees in shock. There was angry shouting from the car and frantic shouting from behind, but all of it just buzzed in his ears. The headlights blinded him and his head was pounding, his body trembling.

A hand reached out to him, and a deep and desperate voice was in his ear. He turned to see a blurry figure crouched down on the ground.

"A Li, are you alright?" Yangyang's grip on his shoulders was tight, but he didn't feel comfort this time. He couldn't control the shaking and his chest was tight, making it difficult to breath.

"I'm so sorry." He choked out the words and pulled away from the grasp.

Scurrying backward, he hit the sidewalk and stood, his legs wobbling. Illuminated by the headlights, he saw the figure coming for him. Yangyang was speaking, but he wasn't listening. His head was filled with white noise, drowning out any other sounds around him.

Without a thought, he turned and ran as fast as he could down the sidewalk. He tripped and fell, over and over, scraping his hands and knees, but he pushed himself back up and kept racing along the dark street until the coffeehouse and club were long behind him.

::What're you thinking? You're so fucking stupid. You're barely an adult, but you're gonna be a partner and a parent? You're blind, but you're gonna take care of a kid? You've got nothing to offer. Just a useless piece-of-shit having fun playing house.::

As he ran, his mind was flooded with all of the fears and insecurities he had suppressed, and he continued for blocks until he was wheezing, his lungs tight and empty. Stopping to catch his breath, he realized he hadn't thought any of this through. He hadn't seriously thought about any of it. One day at a time worked fine for him, because it was only him, but he had been arrogant. He had invaded someone else's life with the belief that love was some magical power that could solve actual problems. In reality, he was still the same worthless kid he was a year ago, and a year before that, and a year before that.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he let the call go to voicemail. Three more calls, then he heard his notification buzz. He took a breath and put in his earbud, checking the message.

'Where did you go? Where are you? I'll come get you.'

A few moments of silence, then another message.

'A Li, please. Answer me. Where are you?'

A few more moments of silence.

'Fine, just let me know you're alright.'

More silence.

'You're scaring me. I won't come after you, but you have to tell me you're alright.'

Amari felt hot tears running down his face and fell to the concrete, leaning against the nearest building to try and steady himself.

'Is Taitai okay?'

The response was immediate.

'He's alright. Everything is alright. Just come back.'

The tears grew heavier and soon he was heaving sobs. He felt sure he would vomit from the pain, but he stood anyway, needing to get further away. Clearing his throat, he held back just long enough to speak his message.

'I can't. But I'm okay, so don't worry about me.'

'How can I not worry? You just ran away from me and you're not coming back.'

'I'm really sorry.'

Amari put his phone in his pocket and ignored the rest of the notifications and calls, continuing down the street to the closest subway station.

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END PART ONE

The Sound of You will return on Tuesday, June 1st with Part Two!