40 Episode 39 - The Decision

Content/Trigger Warning: NSFW, sexual content, implied sexual abuse/assault

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Amari heard footsteps fade down the hallway and shuffled back to his guitar, pretending to pack up. Yangyang came in and quietly kneeled beside him, circling his arms around his waist with a sigh.

"Are you okay?" he asked the man softly, taking a hand in his. Everything he had tried to suppress was back, forming a heavy knot in his stomach.

"Let's go." Yangyang sounded upset, but he couldn't tell if it was from sadness or anger, so he only nodded, grabbing his guitar and slinging it to his back.

They headed to the station as usual, but the man didn't say goodbye at the corner, following him through the turnstile.

"You're coming home with me tonight?" He wasn't sure what to think of the situation.

"Is that alright?" Yangyang was still temperamental, the normally kind, deep voice full of mixed emotions.

"Of course," he said with a smile, not wanting to push. "Let's go."

The man rested an arm on his shoulder, as he always did, but didn't say anything the entire trip, and Amari couldn't stop running the earlier conversation over in his mind

::You've told him everything? This only ends two ways. Make a choice.::

A block away from the apartment, he finally grabbed Yangyang's hand.

"Are you sure you're okay? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Sorry." The quiet tone said it was the opposite of nothing. "I just have some things on my mind."

"Anything I can help with?"

Yangyang let go of his hand to wrap an arm around him. "Nope. No need."

He was clearly trying to sound cheerful, but Amari knew his voice well and there was nothing cheery about it. He didn't say anything else, the knot in his stomach rising into his throat as he let Yangyang lead him down the sidewalk and up the stairs into the apartment.

"Do you wanna shower first?" he asked as he locked the door behind them. "Seems like Ziggy's still out, so now's your chance."

"I should, I'm sweaty, but I don't really want to."

Meeting him at the couch, Amari gave Yangyang a warm smile and placed a hand on his chest. "That's okay. I like the smell of your sweat."

Suddenly, he was lifted into the air.

"You're going to get into trouble, saying things like that..."

Yangyang trailed off as he carried him down the hall to the bedroom, throwing him onto the bed and closing and locking the door. His shirt was already gone when he joined him, and he reached out to forcefully pull Amari's off as well.

"Yang ge, what're you-" He was silenced with lips and tongue, and pushed hard into the mattress.

It wasn't anything they hadn't done before, and Amari was familiar with the often aggressive Yangyang by now, but this kind of intensity was new. The emotions he had bottled up inside were showing themselves through his actions. Quickly moving down the boy's neck and chest, he was licking and biting, his touches firm against his skin. Amari grabbed at his hair, pulling him away, then found his mouth covered again. He could only groan behind Yangyang's violent kisses, and with a large hand gripping the back of his neck, Amari couldn't pull away if he wanted to.

Truthfully, Yangyang's aggressive side was a turn-on, so different from his everyday personality. There was nothing sexier in bed than a confident and powerful Yangyang taking charge, but it was always controlled. This was something different. This was frustration and anger turned physical. Still, between the sweet smell of his sweat and the unmistakable taste of his tongue, Amari couldn't help feeling aroused. Yangyang moved lower, pressing a knee hard between his legs.

"Already?" he asked, the tone mischievous and a little nasty.

He quickly undid Amari's belt and tore at his pants, pulling them down just enough to give him access. With his knee pushing from one direction, he swallowed deep from the other. The boy felt teeth and tongue and groaned loudly, his fingers digging into a taut muscled shoulder. Any words or thoughts were cut off by the simultaneous pleasure and pain, and he could only manage to let out out an almost inaudible squeak.

Shifting his knee, Yangyang removed his jeans completely, then tugged the back of his boxer-briefs down to his thighs. His mouth opened for only a second, and when it returned, he spread the boy's legs wide, inserting a now wet fingertip between them.

Amari gasped, almost choking on his breath, and he stiffened as Yangyang pushed deeper. He wasn't ready, his body too tense and the man's finger too dry. A small wave of pain shot up Amari's spine and he cried out, this time a little louder.

Yangyang released him again, taking a breath, and teased his skin with a second finger. Running his tongue up Amari's chest and neck, his mouth landed hard on his lips. It was wet, leaving a bittersweet and salty aftertaste, and he moved to the boy's ear, tracing it before speaking.

"A Li..." he whispered, his breath hot on the delicate skin. "Shit. You're so beautiful..."

He forced his finger in as far as it would go.

::Look at this kid. He's beautiful...::

::So pretty, this one...::

::Fuck, you really are a beauty...::

::Oh, yeah. This one. So beautiful...::

A wave of terror rushed through Amari and his reflexes took over, shoving Yangyang's shoulders back and raising his knee between their two bodies. Before he could stop himself, his heel was at the man's chest, a panicked kick sending him off the bed and slamming onto the floor.

Yangyang grunted loudly and he leapt down, instantly at his side. "Fuck! I'm so sorry!" He couldn't see the man at all and felt around for him, frantic. "Are you okay? Shit, I didn't... It just happened. Are you hurt?"

Removing the boy's hand from his body, Yangyang slumped and groaned. "I'm sorry... I forced you... I…"

Amari winced at the misery and remorse and reached out again, arms clinging to the man's neck. He didn't know what was bothering Yangyang, or what had made him act out that way, but he was sure he deserved some blame. And this, right now, was definitely his fault.

"I'm so sorry!" he cried out, clenching his jaw to hold back the tears.

The guilt devoured him and he held on as tightly as he could, as if strength alone could beg for forgiveness. Yangyang didn't push him away, but didn't move to embrace him back.

"Amari..." It had been a long time since the man had called him by name, and his deep voice was abnormally serious. "Amari, I can't do this anymore."

"What?" He felt the panic rising in his chest again and could only choke out, "I didn't mean it. I should have said something, or done something. I just… I didn't..."

He didn't know how to apologize, and while he tried desperately to find the right words to say, in the back of his mind, he already knew how this would end. Suddenly, from the deepest part of him, he felt regret.

"None of this is your fault. You shouldn't have to say or do anything…" Yangyang pulled him off, moving his arms down to his lap. "I never wanted to hurt you. But everyone was right. I didn't want to think about it, but I shouldn't have started this."

"Started what?" His mind raced, hopelessly searching for a solution - a way to fix the mistakes he had made. "This relationship? I started it. Or... It was mutual, wasn't it?"

"I have... something that sets my future on a narrow path." The deep voice was strained and Yangyang sounded like he was going to cry. It made Amari want to reach out again, but he hesitated. "It would be wrong to force that burden onto you... I only thought about myself."

Yangyang took Amari's face in a warm, trembling hand. "And if I tell you… If I go any further and this doesn't work, it'll be devastating."

The boy felt his face grow hot and his chest tightened in anger. ::Burden? Further?::

He grabbed Yangyang's wrist and yanked the man's hand away. "So, doing this now isn't devastating? You're not that invested, so ending it here's okay?" The guilt and fear were gone, replaced by the bitterness that came from being used.

"That isn't what I meant." Had he been listening, he would have heard agony and despair, but Amari couldn't recognize anything beyond his own dark emotions.

"Burdens?" He huffed at the ridiculousness of it. "I already told you I didn't care about that! Don't I come with burdens?" His mind raced, doubts flooding to the surface. "Maybe you never really trusted me... I know you've been hiding things, but I was okay waiting. I thought you'd tell me when you're ready. I guess you don't trust me enough... or maybe you don't like me enough. Maybe this's more one-sided than I thought."

"That isn't what I'm saying." The hurt now mixed with frustration, Yangyang's voice a little lower and a little deeper.

"Then what're you saying?" he asked, his voice loud and his grip tight around the man's wrist. "You've got some big secret that means we can't be together. Are you dying? Did you kill someone? I can't think of a single thing that'd stop me from supporting you. Which means I'm not enough. What I can give you isn't enough. You think I can't handle it, so you're pushing me away."

This was all of his fears, manifested in front of him. The worst part was that he had been ready for it. How could he be lucky enough to find someone who saw everything he was and still trust him as an equal partner? He had expected it. Not that it made it any easier now that he was here.

"I'm doing this to protect you!" The anger had surfaced in Yangyang's voice, but the boy only laughed, sad and dejected.

"That's a fucking load of shit." He dropped Yangyang's wrist and slouched back. "I've been abandoned before. It only protects the person who's leaving, not the one left behind. You were right. You're just a coward. You decided I can't handle your shit without even telling me what it is. It's just an excuse to run away."

Amari stood and sighed. He knew exactly what this was and couldn't argue anymore. "Go ahead. Take your shirt with you."

Yangyang didn't move for a few seconds, then crawled over to grab his shirt and stood. Without a word, he unlocked the door and went, leaving the boy standing in the dark. As soon as he heard the apartment door slam shut, Amari crawled under his blanket and sobbed.