106 Episode 104 - Just Like That

"Well, fear number one," Yangyang said in that deep and calm voice Amari loved. There was no way he was really feeling calm – Amari knew that well enough by now – but if Amari needed it, he could always put the rest aside. "You're just going to have to deal with it. That's who I am. You just admitted you love that I'm clingy and whiney and childish. Of course I'm going to worry about you. When something happens to you that's out of my control, it breaks my heart.

"That isn't going to change, and it doesn't make you a burden. I would hope that if I was hit by a car tomorrow and you found me in the ER, you would feel the same. It just means that I love you."

There was no hesitation or uncertainty when he spoke, and he offered no room for argument. Amari shifted closer, Yangyang automatically pulling him in.

"You can get rid of the second fear too. Taitai is your family now. He should be allowed to take care of you. He should learn that no one is perfect, and we help others when they're in need. And when you love someone, you're safe to express yourself. You see every part of them, and can show them every part of you.

"The last thing I want is for him to grow up closed off, thinking that only certain people and certain things are normal. That's how I grew up and then all of a sudden I was different. I had a dark side I wasn't supposed to show anyone. I was afraid to tell my family and friends, afraid of what they would think. Obviously, it messed me up. No one should ever have to feel that way."

He took Amari's hands and leaned in close. "So you know, this isn't a discussion." His kept his words firm, but his tone was loving. "This is a relationship, between the three of us. You're not keeping a score sheet of how much support you get versus how much you give. If you need, we give. If we need, you give. That's it. That's how family works. You try to run away one more time, I'm dragging your ass back and locking you up."

Yangyang finished speaking and Amari pressed his lips together, his eyebrows raised, until he couldn't hold it anymore. Just like the first night they met, he erupted into a fit of giggling, laughing to the point of tears.

"Why are you always like this when I'm being serious?" Yangyang's voice was tight, holding back his own laughter. "Wèi, A Li... It's not funny this time. I already know you laugh like a five-year-old."

He joined in anyway and the two continued, all of their stress quickly fading, until the therapist clapped his hands, trying to bring order back to the session. Amari wiped away his tears and took a few breaths to calm himself.

"Alright, alright," said the older man across from them. He hadn't made a sound the entire time and Amari had forgotten he was even there. "I think this got a little off track at the end there, but it still served its purpose, so I didn't stop you." He cleared his throat. "As far as pre-marital counseling goes, apparently it wasn't really needed. You seem to be able to counsel yourselves."

The therapist leaned back in his chair, sighing as he shifted his legs.

"I'll be honest with you. On paper, this really shouldn't work. You are both stubborn, anxious, and insecure, so you'll always have problems like this. But, while you both have your own separate issues, there's nothing wrong with you together. If it changes in the future, you can come see me, but for now, your affection outweighs your fears." He paused as the two gained control of themselves. "So, do you feel better now?"

Amari nodded and Yangyang grabbed his shoulders, pulling him into his chest, his arms trapped against his sides and his back pressed against Yangyang.

"What're you doing?"

"Being clingy," Yangyang replied sweetly, kissing his cheek.

"Jesus... I shouldn't've said all that."

The therapist cleared his throat again to get their attention. "There is something you both need to understand. Yangyang, it's common for people who suffer from abuse, or from chronic illness or disability, to feel guilty toward those close to them. It's a permanent symptom, and Amari feels it more than most.

"It isn't something you can just dismiss, but that doesn't mean it should weigh you down either. Your anxiety makes you think that pushing him will scare him away, all of those nagging 'what ifs' in your head, but it's the opposite."

He leaned forward in his chair, setting his pad and pencil down on the table. "Like you did today, these are things that need to be confronted head on. Amari's first reaction to guilt is to hide, but that guilt will never be strong enough to end a relationship unless you let it.

"And Amari, as much as Yangyang needs to stay firm, you need to accept this feeling as a part of you. It won't go away, but it doesn't have to control you."

He nodded and Yangyang kissed him on the back of the neck, squeezing him tight. The therapist clicked his teeth at the PDA and stood, waving the couple toward the door.

"Alright, you're cured for today. You can take the rest of it somewhere else."

Yangyang chuckled and stood, bringing Amari up with him. They gave the man a short bow and said goodbye, quickly leaving the office. Amari was dragged through the hallway and down to the street.

"Why're you in such a hurry?" he asked, trying to catch his breath. "Where're we going now?"

"We have one more stop to make. I need to go while I'm in this mood, before the coward takes over again."

Amari scrunched his brow, confused by the man and the situation. For the second time that day, he was pushed into a cab and Yangyang gave the driver directions to his apartment.

"Why're you going home?" Amari shook his head. "I mean, why's it so urgent to go home?" There was no answer, just a squeeze of his hand and a hard kiss against his cheekbone. "Okay, fine, don't tell me." Amari kissed him back. "Do whatever you want."

As they stopped in front of the first floor restaurant, Yangyang took a deep, nervous breath, then pulled Amari from the cab. His hand was grasped so tightly it was beginning to sweat, and he hurried behind Yangyang into the building and up the stairs.

"Li gēge?" The little bells came racing toward him as he entered and he crouched down to catch Taitai. "Li gēge, you're back! Are you still sick? Are you okay now?"

Amari smiled softly and pet his hair, then picked him up into his arms. "I'm okay for now, but I'm still sick. We'll talk about it later, okay?"

Taitai nodded under his hand and hugged him tight. The familiar smell, the familiar sound of his voice and jingling of his little bells - Amari had missed them more than he thought.

"Why're you wearing your bells in the house?"

"'Cause I missed you," Taitai answered sweetly, making Amari's heart skip.

Is it genetic? How can someone be so cute?

"You really are just like your ba, aren't you? Saying whatever cheesy, adorable thing pops into your mind." He kissed the top of Taitai's head. "I missed you too, Taitai. A lot."

He set him down on the floor as Yangyang urgently called out for his mother. A door opened and she hurried out of her room and down the hall. "What are you shouting for? Ah, Xiao Li. How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good. The meds seem to be working, and I'm getting used to the side effects." Yangyang pulled him over, arms hanging around his shoulders, and Amari took his hands, rubbing a thumb against his palm.

"I'm glad. We were all worried about you." She walked into the kitchen, poured a cup of tea, then took a seat at the dining table. "Well, Xiao Yang, what do you want to say? You were yelling loud enough for the neighbors to hear."

Yangyang walked Amari over to the table, keeping an arm around him and a grasp of his hand. "We're getting married," he announced, his voice especially serious.

"Yes, you're engaged." His mother sipped at her tea, not sure why he was bringing it up. "We already talked about this, didn't we?"

"No. We're getting married now."

Yangyang trembled slightly and Amari rubbed his arm to encourage him. He was shocked by the statement, and it would have been nice to know his plan earlier, but he honestly didn't care much. He told him to do whatever he wanted and for him, something like this took courage.

There was no response from his mother, so Yangyang took a breath and continued.

"I wanted your approval, but when I showed up at the emergency room and Ziggy had more rights than me, I decided. Even as power-of-attorney, I'm limited. If something were to happen and I couldn't do anything or make any decisions..." Amari pulled Yangyang's arms tighter around him as he trailed off. "Anyway, I'm not waiting anymore. We're getting married now."

There was a pause, and his mother set her teacup down on the table. "Fine. Tell me what you need and when you want to do it." Her tone didn't change, still as calm and collected as always.

"What?" Yangyang loosened his grip in shock. "Just like that?"