120 Epilogue 1.5 - Going Home

"What?" Yangyang choked out the word, arms tightening around Amari's waist.

"That's why I know so much about music. And why I can sing and play the guitar, I guess. The Gibson I brought with me to the city was his."

Yangyang was tense behind him, his breathing a little shallow, and he knew it was a shock to hear. "But, your relationship with your dad..."

"Yeah. I dunno." He shrugged. It didn't really make sense to him either. "I've always loved music, so I separated it from him. If I hadn't, I really would've had nothing... I have his genes and I carried his guitar, but it was a way to make money. Maybe that's why I never enjoyed it. Singing and playing for people... But then it became something more, so it really doesn't bother me."

"Yeah, but... I'm a guitarist. And you're a singer. That really doesn't bother you?"

Amari could hear the anxiety in Yangyang's voice, and he rubbed the arms circling his stomach. "And that's the only similarity. We're nothing like my parents. I don't remember my mother and I didn't know my father as a guitarist. He barely played when I was young. I always thought it was my fault, but now I'm not sure he could have, even if he wanted to. Not after she was gone." He shifted until he was facing Yangyang, legs wrapped around his husband's waist. "I stole his records and listened to his music. I stole his expensive guitars and taught myself to play. And I was regularly beaten for it, which only made me wanna do it more."

He heard Yangyang chuckle and was glad he was a little more comfortable, then reached out to grasp his face.

"I think maybe that's why I was so stubborn when you were thinking of looking for another job. Everything about us is different from them, so giving up on music to take care of your son just wasn't an option."

Yangyang chuckled again and gave him a long, gentle kiss. "Then I think I also have a few things to say to your father."

Flashing him a genuinely happy smile, Amari only nodded. He wasn't going to question him. The last secret he'd hidden away was out. Though it made Yangyang anxious, he realized he had accepted it a long time ago. He was never nervous knowing his husband was a guitarist. Yangyang was so different from his father, it hadn't even crossed his mind to worry. And that's exactly what he would tell his father when he had the chance.

Tapping Yangyang on the shoulder, he grinned and said, "Enough of that." He propped himself onto his knees and pointed across the room. "Is there still a piano in the corner?"

Yangyang hummed and grasped at his hand. "I know that look," he teased and before Amari could joke back, he was up, lifting Amari with him.

They carefully made their way over and Yangyang sat him onto the edge of the bench. Taking a seat beside him, their arms brushing together, he lifted the keyboard cover and tested a few keys. The piano had been well cared for and they rang out clearly in the small room.

"What are we playing?" he asked as he ran through a long scale, then he cleared his throat through the ringing notes. "Your grandmother is watching," he added, just a whisper in his ear.

Amari only nodded. He didn't care. Their reunion had been better than he expected, but it didn't mean they needed to continue their relationship. Actually, this was probably the final goodbye they both needed.

"How about All I Need by Foster?"

Yangyang chuckled. "My A Li and his love songs."

He gently played the intro chords and his arm softly bumped against Amari as he moved along the keys. Then he huffed out another light laugh as Amari began to sing.

It was true that he sang a lot of love songs. Even now, they were his favorite. But it wasn't just for Yangyang anymore. He loved his husband, his son, and himself. He loved his extended, makeshift family. He loved his job and he loved performing at the club or for charity as Little Lily.

That didn't mean there were no bad days. There were plenty of those. There were plenty of traumas he still had to work through and plenty of times he couldn't even talk to his therapist. There were times that inner voice told him to hide and times when Yangyang became too anxious to stop him. There were times his family heard hateful comments in public and times Taitai came home crying because he couldn't understand why someone would be mean for no reason.

But those times never lasted. Together, they were stronger than those things. Amari didn't sing love songs to reassure himself or his family anymore. He sang because he believed. He knew. What they had was worth whatever the world could throw at them.

"Li ba! Li-"

Amari put a finger to his lips to quiet Taitai's shouting as he sang and motioned to join him on the bench. Wrapping his arms around his son as he sat, he pulled him close.

"What did you get?" he asked after the song ended, resting his head on Taitai's smooth hair.

"Cookie dough and rocky road!"

Amari sighed at the excitement of his sugar-loving child. "So you weren't planning on sleeping tonight then?"

"Bet!" Taitai exclaimed gleefully, then giggled when Yangyang groaned next to them.

A few more notes played on the piano, then the chords to a familiar song. "How about one more song before the sugar high?" Yangyang asked. "Then I think Uncle Zig will be happy to stay up with you."

"Hein?" Ziggy's voice echoed from a corner of the room. Amari guessed he had taken a seat to listen and for a brief second wondered if his grandmother was still watching. "How did that become my responsibility?"

There was no response to that, Yangyang already starting to play and Amari already focused on the sound. Another love song - always a love song - and he swayed gently back and forth with Taitai as he sang Make You Feel My Love.

At the piano bridge, Taitai stretched up to his ear. "Your grandmother looks really happy."

It made Amari smile but he didn't reply. He was genuinely glad he could show her this beautiful family of his, and genuinely glad to finally be free from her, this house, and those memories.

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Taitai was latched firmly to Amari's side, holding his hand tight as they walked across the grass, stopping short of two low, stone plaques in the ground. He couldn't see them, but he remembered what his mother's looked like, and his father was buried to her side.

"Hi mom," Amari quietly greeted. "I haven't visited in a long time. We just stopped coming and then I never saw the point. I don't believe in life after death, so I don't think you can hear me, but I've learned recently that's not really the reason people do this. Sometimes you've just gotta let out what's inside, whether anyone's listening or not."

He felt Yangyang's arm lay heavy around his shoulders and smiled a little, handing him a flower to throw on her grave. "I always resented you, for giving me this pretty face and small body. And for leaving early and turning my father into a bitter, angry drunk." He sighed, knowing most of those hateful feelings were gone now. "But now I want to thank you, for giving me my voice. I wouldn't have this life without it."

Releasing Taitai's hand, he crouched to the ground, Yangyang following and keeping his hold around him. Taking a breath, Amari knew what he wanted to say, but found it difficult to start.

"Dad." He paused, swallowing another breath, and Yangyang shifted closer. "I haven't got much to say to you and I'll never forgive you. I've got a family now, so I can understand a little the hurt that must come with losing the person you love. I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I don't even want to imagine it. But your son should become a source of strength, not a way for you to release your sorrow and rage."

He sighed again and shook his head, grabbing the large hand hanging over his chest. "But that's not really what I came to say. I came to thank you. Everything you did to me was the start of a path that led me here. I love where I am now and couldn't wish for anything else. So, as horrible as you were, without you, I wouldn't have this life. If that eases some of your burdens, fine, but for me, this thought is all that's left of you. Now that it's out, there's no need to ever come back or think of you again."

Yangyang kissed him on the cheek, and though he didn't feel happy or relieved, he also didn't feel sad or angry. He realized he didn't feel much of anything at all. There was no longer any reason to keep the memories of this man or care what he had done in the past.

"I have one more thing to say." Yangyang's deep voice was light, and unlike Amari, he clearly felt relieved. "I also want to thank you. It feels wrong to say in front of the man I love, the person whose childhood you tormented. If you were alive and in front of me, I guarantee this conversation would be very different. But, because of you, I was able to become the man I wanted to be. Your terrible decisions helped me to make better choices."

Yangyang stood and pulled Amari to his feet, grabbing his hand. Taitai took the other and said nothing as the three stood there quietly for a moment.

Finally, Yangyang let out a long "Ahhh" and turned to guide the others back to the road. "I'm hungry. Come on. Let's get something to eat and go home."

"Yeah!" Taitai shouted, then was immediately hushed and scolded for yelling in a graveyard. He giggled softly and whispered, "I wanna go to the diner!"

Amari nodded, agreeing that a giant plate of greasy food would be the best right now, while Yangyang just chuckled, leading them down to Ziggy and the car. As Taitai quietly chattered away about all of the things he was going to order, Amari grinned wide, thinking,

::Now everything really is perfect.::