CHAPTER 7 (NOW)

The apartment was open, and faint music was heard from the entrance. The alcohol smell was not detected. Someone was inside the house…, oh, the girl..., the little girl, I stated. The reason I stated "little" was solely known to me.., she was around twenty one I guess. Truth is, I had never let someone inside my house; she was the first…, after the last. Elvis had his rights, but I never really showed him the apartment I stayed in, his car was still parked; I guess he did not take it. It was early in the morning, almost ten. I had spent quite some time watching the children, and with me, I carried a bottle. It was barely a bottle of soda, but when I heard the faint noise, I suddenly felt saddened by the fact that I had already forgotten I had an unknown visitor…, and to add, I had barely brought her something to drink. A lot had fogged my mind; there was always a lot on my mind..., there always was. I sometimes even forgot how it felt to laugh at my hardest; I sometimes even forgot how I used to deal with my lowest times. Before everything, maybe writing a journal of before would be better.

"Hey…" I stated after arriving. She seemed engrossed in one of the movies on the screen. 

'How to Get Away with Murder'…, 

of course it was, the only type of thrillers we shared. I hated flashbacks; I had not opened this television since she left; I dreaded it. It held all the memories, everything. I had not instructed her to open the television; I just told her to feel at home, but not so at home. But I knew, a sign of disappointment was the least in my eyes; it sure was. I now had this dead stare; I taught myself to always have it, the stare of happy or sad? The stare of questioning.

"I cleaned a little bit," she stated, and I just made a little smile; it was the only way. I placed my bag and headed to my room; I really needed a shower, I really did. In my room, I always started with removing my watch, then untying my tie, then rethinking about my life as I carefully unbuttoned my shirt. Today, today, it was different. In many days and months, and almost years, ever since the past happened.., I unbuttoned my shirt, not looking at myself in the mirror, but today I did. The shirt was white, snow white, as a professional's should always be; my face was firm, and my beard had already formed the best of sidebeads. I remembered one of the best flashbacks, one that always made me cringe into my knees during my painful eras, the way she touched them as she gave me the news of a being..., a new being.

I looked at my face again, my eyes. The darkness in my eyes was huge; it was like I barely had sleep anymore. I tried laughing at the face in front of me, but all I was left with was that face that my mind replayed 'crown'; my smile was no more a smile, it was just something showing off teeth. Truth be told, after an experience with that woman, every time she would call me or text me..., I always had resetting moments. It was as if she would just change everything..., my thoughts, demeanor, and system; it was like she was the only being that set my fate. So, most times after, I would just stay in this room for some moment, then head out to look for someone to embrace me, to make me forget my torture and loneliness. But today, today as I stated, it was different, and I just entered inside the shower, as if draining away everything. But for me, shower thoughts were always the most dangerous.

'Leave her' 

'Stop talking to her' 

'Stop being an idiot' 

'Take the damn kid' 

'Do you really need her?' 

'She took her own path'

Were everything my mind stated. It was like fighting my own self. My mind was right, it always was, and I never once told it it was wrong. However, there are parts which cannot cease to accept what the mind would say; it just felt really tough. So my heart would just never give in; it was like 'she is alone too', 

'the share was ours', 

'the blessing was ours'..., all this, all that, was what was stated, and it felt really heartbreaking. I had cried much in the past; I never knew I would ever have a heart to ever cry for again. I knew I had turned me into having the coldest of heart, but it would just melt with one phone call…, I knew the call…,and hell how I wished to run away from it, but loved it.., I accepted.

"Hey!!! Hey…" I heard a shout from outside. The girl, what was wrong with her? I found myself asking.

"Yes," I stated after rinsing myself fast, wearing a towel around my waistline, and heading outside, "Yes..., what?" I asked again.

I knew I was barely dry; my head was dripping with water, my feet too. I was just a mess..., all through I was a mess, I really was.

"You...,," She stated, then eyed me from up to down, and I just watched her, I really did. And I knew a lot would happen to this girl if she does not stop this nonsense she was trying. I was messed, and I would currently do literally anything to mess everything up, even if it meant sleeping with her, "..., you take long showers." She finished, with very little to no voice. It felt more like a whisper, like she was wanting me to come closer. I knew I was hot, my body was good-looking; I had taken a hell of a lot of time to finish off my skinny body and build this, something of six packs, and something that my shirtless body would have something to expose. But I did not want to cloud my judgment; I really did not want to, I really, I rea.., I.., God.

"...you should have hopped in," I started, "...with me," I finished, as I started walking closer, not caring if the water was wetting my carpet. She had done a good job; maybe I should reward her with some screams. I walked closer toward her, real close. At first, I was nervous, nervous that she would be... I mean, nervous that she really did not want to start anything with me... Of course, she was elegant, the type who always played hard to get. I was clouding judgment. Anyway, I did not care if she wanted it first or last; my mind now was on her. This is when I noticed she had nice dark eye pupils and a very beautiful smile. Why? Because she smiled at me as I came closer and closer, and I felt she was running out of words, for I just steadily pushed her to one of the walls of the living room o fthis apartment.

"You should have hopped in..., with me," I stated again, silently, steadily, making sure only my voice was her center of focus, and her eyes looked at my lips. Was she really... did she really want this? I questioned. I was told she was a marine's..., but that did not matter now; all that mattered was her, her eyes, her lips, and her body. All I wanted was to have myself inside her. I had taken a break from having a woman..., and one thing was no woman had ever been embraced by me inside this house. "..., I really want to kiss you," I stated, and I looked into her eyes, not for assurance, not for anything, and for nothing. I just knew I was going to kiss her anyway. What a bastard, and so I just crashed my lips with hers, and I felt my breathing becoming heavier as I explored the thickness and fullness of her lips and her mouth. It all felt surreal and heavenly, but I knew, I was... yes..., I was doing it to her, and nothing else was in my mind but the old feeling I always have when I'm with a woman, to pleasure her maybe, to pleasure her... she..., she..., I told myself over and over again, like a song, or like an endless loop, as if…, if I stopped saying it I would forget my focus was on her.

One thing led to another, and I don't know. At one point, she was on my kitchen counter; at the next, I was taking her to the guest room where she slept. My room was to be out of bounds, a story for another day. And I laid her down, after removing the last piece of cloth she had, and as I put down the damn towel.

I was a packaged man, confident..., all my ladies had something to say of the same, so I just looked at her, after the romancing and everything. I looked into her eyes, I really did..., I really did, and one of the sharpest pains inside my chest, of my heart breaking, came. It was like my heart was breaking for her. She looked at me as if in fear, as if nervous, and as if judging what she was doing.

She was the second of many women who looked at me this way, as if..., as if I was really taking something away from her... I was worried.

"Is there a problem?" I asked her, letting her sit down and face me..., she just shook her head.

"I have never done this," she stated, and I breathed heavily..., and I suddenly felt pity, real pity for her... I don't even know if this was pity, or it was hate for myself. It somehow turned into hate for me, and I was scared of my next move. Most times I would tell a girl to dress up, or just wear something, I'm dropping you..., but today, I just saw her...,I just looked at her.., It was like seeing the face of an angel in front of the dread of the devil, like that of a little child in front of the mouth of a snake, or supposedly that of an innocent empathy in front of a not caring narcissist..., and if I say my heart did not drop, I would be the biggest liar.

"It's okay...," I stated, and then kissed her forehead, "I'm sorry, I will take it slow," I stated, but promises were never my thing. I just really wanted to make her feel comfortable with whatever she was. Any man would kill for a virgin, but I just felt unlucky for her..., I really did. So I just went and took the little drink I had bought and brought it to the room, after wearing white shorts.

"Let's drink," I stated..., and that's when I remembered I had no idea of her name. Barely would not even cross here; I just did not know her. And then there was a knock with Elvis shouting my name..., so I just hurried to wear something, as the girl quickly wore hers. I don't know..., I knew the thoughts of the girl would suddenly be a part of me for the next week, torturing me on what I was almost doing to her, but I thank God Elvis was here..., the way he came to know my apartment not of matter..., I was just glad.