URGE TO BE ALIVE

I didn't know any better until Emily, but I learnt, and I tried to be a beloved wife. Michael Bryce was, after all, a classy man, surely he would fancy his wife in an expensive lingerie. Emily took one look at my clothes and suggested I needed to do something about my appearance, and we were off to the most costly clothing mall in New York, Dechanelle.

Emily and I walked into the high-end fashion store and started browsing through the racks of clothes, admiring the different styles and colors.

The store was filled with racks of beautiful and seductive lingeries, from lacy bras and panties to sheer babydoll nighties.

Emily looked around excitedly, her eyes lighting up at the sight of all the gorgeous lingerie. I followed closely behind, slightly reserved but still curious about the selection.

"So, have you guys done it yet?" Emily teased. The thought of it almost made me puke my guts out. I admired her forwardness, but I didn't know if talking about my sex life was one of the many steps in this "How-to-get-your-man" scheme. I maintained all decorum and replied,

"No,"

"Hmm," She scoffed. I know what that loosely translated to, if I had a dime for every time my mother "hmm-d," I'd probably be able to save the family business.

"What?" I replied

"It's just a tad strange,"

"What do you mean?" I was beginning to feel uneasy.

"It's just, I hope this doesn't offend you, but how much do you know about your husband?",

"Mathew isn't the type to take things slow with girls, you must be something special to him if he's willing to wait," she said, cornering the third aisle, and I stopped in my tracks.

After some more browsing and trying on different styles, we eventually settled on a few new lingerie pieces to add to my collections with some chic dresses as well. I left the store feeling confident and empowered, ready to show my new seductive looks to my husband.

It was already late when we arrived home, I couldn't believe I had spent all day at the store with a stranger. Ironically this was the most down-to-earth I had been since the wedding, Emily was fast proving herself.

That night, with several practices on my finesse and deep breaths to calm my racing heart, I finally settled on the bed, looking nervous but ready. If I didn't have the courage, this nicely picked Victorian Secret lingerie had given me all the boost I needed; yet when I heard his footsteps sturdy and getting closer, my stomach lurched, and thrilling anxiety began to set in. I stared intently at the door expecting him to fling it open.

Then it happened, the door slowly shifted and revealed Michael with a face that made me realize something was wrong. I had this strange feeling to stay and comfort him until he was hearty. "What are you doing?" He asked, looking over at me. I suddenly felt naked and desperately wished to be covered. My pulse raced, and my body tensed when he started towards my direction on the bed. My heart tumbled when he sat down next to me, he looked at me with an empty stare and gently grabbed the duvet, tucking me in. I couldn't tell what was more overwhelming- the heat stirring in my loins or my rejection.

A few minutes later and I summoned my courage to approach him, getting up from the bed, unable to quieten the nagging worry caused by his unusual glum. I wrapped myself in my night velvety robe. Slowly, I walked to the bar, as expected, he was there looking at a wine glass in hand tentatively. We sat in silence now, side by side. I took a moment to look at him. He was an absolute charmer with a palpable masculinity about him. I wanted to wrap myself around him and comfort him, but I had a feeling he had everything in control.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I found myself yelling.

"About what?" He asked, turning to look at me

"Your day"

"No," he replied curtly and returned to drinking

As we sat in silence, I couldn't help but wonder what was bothering him. I wanted to ask again, but I didn't want to push him. Instead, I decided to let him be and hoped that he would open up to me eventually.

The silence between us was deafening, and I lost myself in thought. After a short while, he smiled weakly at me and took a deep breath. "I'm okay," he said, but I knew what that loosely translated to.

"What's bothering you?" I asked again, this time seeming more interested. I knew the signs, I could see the struggles of someone who was hiding behind a mask.

"Can you just leave me alone, Lauren!" he bellowed, and almost immediately, I could see his regret, but I understood he was hurt and walked away. Before I left the counter, he reached and held my hand gently, but I turned and walked away.

Whatever he was going through, I wasn't the fix, I couldn't help anyone if I couldn't even help myself.