Chapter 3: Train of Thoughts

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It was a dream?

No, it's a nightmare.

I woke up from a nightmare of my past reminding me of the pain, frustration, and sadness.

"Ryan! I have something for you! Try this!" I heard my mom. It's her payday that is why she got something for my baby brother.

"Pa! Look at this, it doesn't fit should I return it?!" I was the one she was asking before if it looks good or taste good before she buy things but right now...

"He's just going to use that for tonight and it will be ripped because of all the belly!" he said teasing Ryan and they all laughed together.

They are happy. I can see it on their faces  mom is laughing which she never did before and my siblings are giggling because of the jokes that he is cracking out of something which I didn't understand.

But why am I feeling like this? I don't know if I am happy for them or be sad because it seems that they don't need me anymore.

A perfect family

I chuckled then the tears starts to fall from my eyes as if the storm brings rain outside. I hate this feeling that I always just cry wondering why is it happening to me. It's like I was left in the dark don't have an idea how this begun and how this will end.

Why am I crying?

I should be happy because my siblings don't have to experience what I've been through before. They will grow up with a father who will protect them and look out for them.

But why am I crying?

"Ma, can you taste this?" Tito Romero asked my mom to taste what he is cooking.

"It's bland." My mom said after tasting the dish "What's the use of salt?" then they laughed again with my mother giggling. I don't get what is funny with the salt thing tho.

They really are happy and I should be happy for them right? I should.

I always ask my mom to taste what I'm cooking before. I want to give the best for my mom that's why I always ask her to taste it first so I can adjust according to her palate.

I'm the only one who can cook in our family after my grandmother passed away but I think I was replaced already.

I should be happy right? I don't have to wake up and cook for them.

I can rest.

But why am I crying?

I always talk to myself about my thoughts but I always fail to find an answer a no one answers me back. I was just left with these questions.

Almost everyday and every night.

"Mom, Kirk is the one who drank all of this chocolate drink! It's like every hour he will drink one" said Khalil trying to get me on my mom's bad side. He is trying to blame me for the quick disappearance of the chocolate drink in the cabinet.

"I'm not going to buy groceries anymore if you'll just eat it all in one day! Your not even providing anymore in this house" Is that why they need me? Just to provide needs and wants inside this house?

I'm still paying off a debt of a total of 15 thousand plus the interest when she told me to find a a way to get money because of something that she need to take care of aside from the things that we need at home since we are under quarantine.

She's not seeing the efforts that you are doing for the family anyway...

He opened the door and went inside my my room while grinning like a wolf "Are you happy now?" he nod looking like a clown trying to piss me off.

"Don't worry I am already tired defendi g myself so go on and think of what you guys wanted to think. Writer, go fuck off and publish your own fucking book!" I told him as I shoo him out of my room.

I'm tired of explaining my side and in the end they'll tell me that 'I am the one who's playing a victim' they should just murder me instead of just pissing me off.

As the old saying goes like 'everyone was born with a purpose' I think this is bullshit now because no matter how I think and look back on what happened to me in the past, I'm not seeing any purpose to motivate me to go forward in the future.

Is my purpose, listening to people's sentiment and just watch them succeed? Is it me staying in the darkness being left behind?

How about crying without knowing the reason for these tears?

Is it supporting my family for the rest of my life and forget that I have my own life and future to handle?

Is it living and tormenting myself? Forever sadness and frustrations?

Do I deserve to live my own life? I guess not.

Should I give up my own life for them? Is it not enough?

I'm so frustrated and confuse.

Why? Why should I live? What? What is my purpose? How? How should I live my life? For who?

Those are the fucking questions that I think will never find an answer. Questions that will make me more confused and frustrated.

"Kirk, let's eat!" Tito Romero called me to eat dinner. "Okay..." I answered in a flat tone because I don't have an appetite yet.

My mom suddenly barge inside my room and said "Let's eat together the food is getting cold." So I went out to get my meal on the dining table.

Imagine a family that has a father, a mother, a brother, a sister, and a baby brother who are sitting on a table at pinagsasaluhan ang Tinola that father cooked for all of you?

An ideal complete family laughing together while eating and then there's me the eldest brother that has no emotion at all.

I can't feel happiness and I can't even taste what I'm eating just by hearing and seeing them I can tell if they are happy or not.

"Mama look at Tom Rodriguez oh! He's really hot!" they are talking about Tom that is currently on Tutok to win right now performing.

"He's really hot especially if he is only wearing the trunks or underwear" replied my mom to my sister "Carla Abellana sure is lucky!" added Mariah.

"Mama look at tito! Hahaha" said Khalil pointing at tito's direction intensely looking at my mom.

"Of course, he is my favorite just look at those bones!" And they all laugh again.

Why can't I?

I'm sure I'm happy for them

But why can't I laugh?

I went inside my room after I was able to get a plate with my food and saw that there's no thigh or wings part which is my favorite

I can still hear them laughing and joking to each one another even though I'm inside the room with four wooded walls surrounding me with darkness.

I think it's time for me to move-out of the house and fix myself, I need to fix my problems and reorganize my thoughts to find my lost self back?

I just don't know where to start.

But for now, I'll just try eat dinner and try to sleep after I eat since I still have two more hours left before my shift starts.

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