CH8: Web 1

Peter and I were relaxing in the basement. I was lying on the couch, calmly reading now that I had some free time for once. Peter was over on the other side of the room, tinkering with my web-shooters to make them waterproof.

"Hey, Jake?"

"Yo."

"You notice something... weird with Aunt May lately?"

"Uhh..."

I thought about the looks she'd give me from time to time when I walked out of the basement or Peter's room. Or the way that Ben would try to choke back a chuckle whenever she leaned in to whisper something while looking at Peter and I.

"Yes, and if it's what I think it is, I hate it."

"So you've got this?"

"I have nothing ever." I paused, before going back to my book. "But yeah, I got this shit on lock."

"Good. Next problem; I got to second base with Gwen."

"That's usually not a problem, unless it comes with a terrible realization about your sexuality."

"Well, see..."

I looked over the edge of my book at Peter. He was blushing.

"Peter..." I tried to think how to phrase this next part. "You know I'm here if you need anything, right? I like to think I'm reasonably well-informed, so if you have any questions, I can do my best to-"

"What? NO! I mean, thanks, I might take you up on later-"

"Fuckin' knew it."

"But no, I'm definetly still attracted to Gwen."

"Oh. What's the problem, then?"

"Well, shortly after I made hand-to-boob contact-"

"Why would you phrase it like that you dumpster fire nerd."

"-we talked a little about what might happen if we hit the next level."

I raised a hand to stop him, reached behind the couch, and tossed him a condom.

"... how long-?"

"You don't want to know the answer to that question, Parker."

"I'll take your word for it. Anyway, no, the problem is that Gwen told me she likes when men talk dirty."

"So?"

"So, I don't know how to do that. The only thing that comes to mind when someone says to talk dirty is to shout 'BACTERIA! AREA CONTAMINATED!' followed by jumping out of a window."

"Makes sense, but I think I skipped that chapter of the Kama Sutra."

"Did you actually read that."

"Yes. It's overvalued."

"You think the Kama Sutra is overvalued?"

"Have you ever stopped to consider the kinky applications of spider powers?"

Peter paused, turned around to look at me with a deeply disturbed look.

"I know, but just think about it."

He kept looking at me like that, until he suddenly had a flash of inspiration and his mouth dropped open.

"Holy crap."

"Yup."

"I mean, Spidey Sense alone!"

"Yup."

"... you think I could replicate your powers if I used a blood sample? Something temporary, of course."

"Don't even fucking dream about it."

"Aw," Peter pouted, before turning back to keep fiddling with the web shooter. "Any ways, what do you suggest I do?"

"Well, I saw this exact same problem in a Friends episode. You just gotta say how hot she is, how horny you are, and what you wanna do to her using the most crass words in your vocabulary."

"I don't know a lot of swears, though."

"Okay, first off, you've known me since we were five, so we both know that is a filthy fucking lie. Second, you just gotta use fucking a lot."

"How so?"

"Okay, let's do a little roleplaying. Let's pretend I'm you and you're Gwen."

"Cool, I have boobs now."

I decided to ignore that comment. I cleared my throat and tried to speak huskily, "Oh, you're so fucking hot. I just wanna bend you over that table and pound you until-"

Suddenly, the door burst open and May Parker (carrying a tray full of cookies and two cups of tea (she managed not to spill anything, somehow)) ran in, screaming "YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX!"

I looked at Peter, who was crimson red (and had been since I started talking dirty) and was also still on the other side of the room. I felt my ears and part of my cheeks burning, but I knew how to recover.

"Damn, Pete. You should've told me, I would have at least put my book down."

"JAKE! NOT THE TIME!"

"I'll, uh, I'll just put this down and leave." May muttered, leaving the tray in the ground before bolting.

(Eventually, we'd have to clarify that there was nothing between Peter and I, but that's a story for another time.)