CH20: The Trick is to Crash but not Burn

Stealing another car was easy. Driving without my depth perspeption wasn't, but I managed.

"Fuck me!" I almost shouted, swerving at the last second do dodge a tree. "Where in the god-damned hell did that even come from?"

The answer, of course, was 'my right side'.

"Are you okay?" Laura whispered, and I forced my anger down.

"Don't worry Laur-bear, it's okay," I made a strained smile. "Just getting used to a new perspective."

She nodded, and we travelled quietly.

"Sorry we lost your drawings, by the way," I told her.

"Yeah, I was almost finished."

"What were you making?"

She looked away, and though I couldn't see her out the corner of my eye, a quick turn of my head revealed that she was red up to the ears. Cute.

"Hm, not gonna tell me?" she shook her head. "Then I'll just have to guess."

She stilled, and I took a deep breath.

"Was it... a self-portrait?" A relieved sigh, and a shake of her head.

"Was it... a painting the inside of the car?" A shake of her head.

"Was it... a painting of me beating up bad guys?" A sharp intake of breath, and a furious shake of her head.

"Oh? Am I getting closer?" I could hear her making a pout. "Was it... a comic about the adventures of Spider-Man and his cute little sister?"

She didn't move. She didn't breathe for a second.

She very slowly shook her head.

"Lying isn't allowed~" I turned my head again and found she was blushing even harder. "Damn, now I really wish I'd had read it."

"It wasn't that good," she muttered.

"Bah," I waved her off. "Doesn't matter. Everyone starts somewhere. The important part is to learn from what you did wrong and what you did right, and apply it."

"... I had a costume," she muttered. "My hero name was Lady Fly."

I snorted. "I like the 'Lady' part, it makes you sound classy, but I don't want to eat you. Maybe 'Lady Spinerette'?"

She hummed. "I dunno..."

"Lady Weaver?"

She smiled. "Yeah! Lady Weaver sounds cool!"

"There you go," I smiled. "Spider-Man and Lady Weaver, travelling together and fighting crime where they can."

I heard her breathing change, and saw that she wasn't smiling anymore.

"Laur-bear? What's wrong?"

She swallowed nervously. "Y-you're taking me somewhere with more people like me, right?"

Huh. Between everything, I almost forgot about the Xavier Mansion. I was just focusing on getting back to New York. The thought was almost bitter. The X-Mansion? That place that was either exploded, infiltrated, or being invaded half the time? That's where I was sending Laura? I wouldn't stop talking to her, but...

But I couldn't just adopt her out of nowhere.

I swallowed and spoke, "That's the plan. Or, well, the original one. I'm open to changes."

"... can I suggest one?" she said, voice strained. I knew that tone. It's the same one I use when I'm forcing words out through a knot on my throat.

"Sure," I said.

"Please don't send me away."

My grip on the wheel tightened, and I tried to find something to say.

"I-" I cleared my throat. "I'm not just sending you away, Laura."

She sniffed, and nodded. "It's okay, I get it."

'I can't just adopt her, my family wouldn't take her.'

The Parkers would.

'The law is still an issue.'

Laws are bullshit and I had contacts in the CPS I could use to speed things up.

'I'd be giving the Parkers a burden.'

I had many, many plans on how I could undo any monetary burdens that might befall them. And Laura would never be a burden.

I grit my teeth and drove on.

"How is he?" Sable asked.

"He'll live," one of her medics said. "Some internal bleeding, a couple fractured ribs, and the cut on his face will leave a scar, but he'll live. He shouldn't be too active for a while, though."

"Hm," the silver-haired mercenary looked down at her co-worker. "I'll make sure he gets rest. You can go."

"Understood." The doctor left without another word, and Sable strode out.

Out in the hallway, standing there with his arms crossed, was Deadpool.

"Is Skull-face okay?"

"He'll live."

"Hm," the Merc with a Mouth, for once, didn't say another thing, and just walked out. That, on its own, was unnerving enough. But the whole Deadpool had been holding a gun, and tapping his bicep with it.

"Were you two close?" Sable asked, genuinely curious.

"No, we're a step down from drinking buddies, to be honest," Deadpool said.

"Then why the threatening silence?"

"... I'm starting to have doubts about this job, Princess." Deadpool looked her in the eye. "Can you seriously tell me, after watching what the ninjas recorded, that the 'experiment' is really anything other than a little girl?"

Sable twitched a little. Elektra's ninja squad had been equipped with cameras, so they could be better prepared in case the Spider-Man slipped away again.

The girl- the experiment had screamed when she saw Spider-Man was in danger, had been afraid of the team of assassins, had jumped in to help when she saw the hero was in danger.

She'd acted like a normal girl would, in her position.

"It doesn't matter," Sable said, ignoring the faint desire to throw up. "We were hired for a job, and we'll finish it. We are mercenaries."

Deadpool stared at her, and then spoke with the wisdom gained through several battles and millions of wounds.

"Horseshit."

And then he teleported away.

'I deeply regret giving him that thing. He keeps using it to end conversations.' Sable thought, as an excuse to ignore any other thing she could be thinking about.

I was resting in an alley in Ohio, a beanie tilted right and pressing my hair down as to hide the lost eye.

My wounds were looking a lot less green last time I'd changed my bandages, but they weren't healing fast enough. They should have faded to scars but now, but they were still scabs that bled if I moved too fast.

"Fucking ninjas," I grumbled. In any other situation, I would've laughed a little that my life was such that I could say that completely seriously and based on personal experience.

Laura ran up the alley, holding a bag full of bandages and snacks. I thanked her with head-pats.

Once I changed my bandages in the alley, facing away from Laura when I did my eye, we took a new car that I made sure belonged to some wealthy idiot.

While we drove down the road, I ran a list in my head:

1) I'd lost the map, my utility belt, all my suit except my mask, and my backup web cartridges in the car we left when the fucking ninjas attacked.

2) We were one state away from New York.

3) I was still healing and getting used to a lack of depth perception.

4) I'd lost my glasses, so everything was also blurry.

As we made a pit stop a little while before entering Pennsylvania, I bought a new map, and some actual food. I had to sneak into the employee cafeteria and use their microwave to heat up the frozen burritos, but it was fine.

Except for...

"C'mon," I grumbled at the microwave. "Cook faster, fuckers."

The door opened, and I turned to look at it.

A pimply teenager with red hair stared at me. I was probably something of a sight, with my mask on, wearing a hoodie that proudly said "The Earth May Be Flat, But This Booty Ain't", jean's with pre-ripped knees, and clearly visible mismatched socks, with my arms crossed, and with my body language indicating I wanted to slap the microwave.

"Um," his voice cracked on that single syllable, before a web slammed into the wall next to his head.

"You. Saw. Nothing."

Yeah, that was awkward.

Laura was doing her best to inhale her burrito, and I'd already finished mine. We were sitting on the roof of the car, having brushed off the snow first and covered the remaining wet with a tarp.

"I take it you liked that burrito?" I asked, smirking a little. She nodded her head enthusiastically. "Hm, I'll have to get you some more food to try later."

She swallowed. "Promise?"

"..."

'I'm making a mistake.'

"I promise." I made an 'x' over my heart.

'I'm making a mistake.'

I repressed a wince when a very little body with a very heavy skeleton smashed into my side.

'I'm making a mistake.'

I patted her head, and two watery eyes looked up at me, followed by a tear-stained smile.

'Oh, who fucking cares?'

[A body appearing when it wasn't there before]

I snapped up and stared down the barrel of one of Deadpool's many, many guns.

"D'aww," he said. There was something off about his voice, I realized with some detachment. "This is so sweet!"

I grabbed Laura and threw us backwards, sticking to the door with my feet and dodging his shot. I dropped my sister on the ground next to me, and I used a web to pull Deadpool over the edge of the roof and punch him into the ground, still parallel to the ground.

I dropped and flipped on to my feet, while he did some sort of breakdance move to spin on his head, making a very loud 'CRACK!' noise, then flipping onto his feet, his head facing the wrong way.

"Gross," I said, then I punched through his chest, grabbed his spine, and flung him away while my other hand pulled on my mask.

He coughed up some blood through the mask as his bones fixed up, and I got the dubious pleasure of seeing a body fill up from a hole in the middle.

I blinked. "Somehow grosser."

"Fu-huck," he puked some more blood, "You."

"Language, shit-weed! There's a kid present!"

His chest finished healing. One of the quicker versions of his healing factor, then.

What, you thought I let him heal just because?

I ran forward and threw a flying kick at his head. I went way overhead and sailed right over him.

"That lost eye really messed you up, huh?" He aimed a gun at me again, and I dove to the side as bullets tore through the space I left. "Not that that's affected your reflexes."

He was measuring him. That's what people forgot about Deadpool: very deep under all the crazy, there was a keen trained mind.

"Have at thee!" he threw a rubber chicken at me. I caught it and threw it at his head. "Ow!"

... Very, very deep under all the crazy.

He charged at me, and I kicked some snow so it flew at his face. He slipped as he threw his body back to avoid it, and I hit through the curtain of snow to smash him into the ground.

I tried to straddle him blindly, but an arm came out of the right and suddenly we were spinning, and he was on top of me, with one hand on my neck and the other pointing a gun at my face.

I tried to call him a cunt, but I just made some strangled sounds.

"Right back at you," he said. "Listen, I need you to answer a question."

I gave him a look that I hoped, even through the mask, expressed how he could have gotten an answer easier if he hadn't pointed a gun at me.

"Yeah, well, this needed answering quick," he said, before looking up at something. "Is she real? I mean, is she a real kid?"

He loosened the grip on my throat, and I looked up (relative to the floor) to see Laura, claws out, staring at me with worry, and at the gun aimed at my head.

I looked at Deadpool in the eye, as best as I could with both our masks. "Yes."

For a moment, nothing.

"Right then," He got off of me, holstered his gun, and helped me up. "How can I help you two?"

I stared at him. He looked at me.

I looked at Laura. She stared at him, then at me.

I looked at Deadpool. He looked at me, then at Laura, then back at me.

Finally, he said, "What?"

'This motherfucker...'

I punched him in the throat, and Laura ran up and stabbed him in the leg.

"Gah, fuck!" He croaked, falling to the floor.

"Get healed and then go to the car. We'll talk there." I said, walking away, limping slightly. Laura stuck to my side and tried to support my weight. She didn't help much, but she kept at it until I was sitting on the driver's seat, then she ran around the side and sat to my side.

"Can we trust him?" She whispered at me, casting looks at Deadpool outside, who was struggling to stand.

"Deadpool's pretty nuts, but he has standards. He was probably suckered into working with-" I gestured vaguely. Laura didn't like direct mentions of the assholes that tortured her, which was completely understandable. "He's deadly and has certain moral standards. He won't hurt you."

"And what about you?"

He could probably find it in his heart to fuck me up, and as I was, I wouldn't be too much of a challenge.

"I'll be fine, if he hadn't started talking I would have split him in two vertically," Laura's eyes glimmered somewhat alarmingly at that mention of wanton brutality.

'I'm going to fuck up this kid so bad.'

I'd already done some damage, I might as well be responsible and make sure she's not a serial killer.

Deadpool finally limped into the car, and he dropped in the back seat. "You guys are jerks."

"You helped them torture me," Laura growled.

Through his mask, I could see Deadpool's expression sour in his head, and his head dropped.

I started driving while he stared down. Laura never stopped staring him down, even while she put on her seatbelt.

"I-" the words caught in his throat, and he swallowed before continuing in a whisper. "I'm so, so sorry."

"'Sorry' doesn't change anything," Laura said. She stared him down for a while, before she sighed, and turned around. "But I appreciate you helping, even if it's late."

Deadpool looked up hopefully, but Laura didn't look back. I caught his eye on the mirror, and I gave a small nod of acknowledgment.

I just hoped we didn't stumble into all the homoerotism the other versions have. That'd just be creepy with our ages.

We drove on for a while, until Laura reached into the glove box and handed me two energy bars, and took one for herself.

Catching her intent, I tossed one at Deadpool, who caught it effortlessly, and started opening my own with my teeth.

"Nice use of your teeth," Deadpool said.

I sighed. 'Dammit.'

We were halway out of Pennsylvania, when-

[The sound of steel blade spinning, lifting a heavy metal container]

-shit went south once more.

"Ah, fuckberries," I muttered.

"What? You just twiched your head and cursed." Deadpool said.

"Crap, one he does that bad guys are near." Laura explained.

"Language," I chastised, accelerating more.

[Tires, breaking ice under them and spinning]

I looked to the left and saw several cars in the distance, blurry but there.

"Fuckberries on a shit-pancake," I grumbled, slightly louder than my previous mutter.

"Wh- Oh, crap, that's a lot of cars."

"Language!" I told him.

[More helicopters, more cars, and a few bikes]

"Well that's just-"

[Two trucks, facing each other and put perpendicularly to the street. Several people holding guns, and two in particular that held what felt like missile launchers]

"Oh, just fuck me, why don't you?!" I shouted, hitting the wheel and leaving it dented. I could just barely see the barricade setting up on the horizon.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!" Laura and Deadpool shouted.

"LANGUAGE!" I put the pedal to the metal, mind going a thousand miles a second. I remebered something from an old piece of fanfiction that I'd thought so insanely cool that I always wanted to do it.

I grinned ferally."AND THROW DOWN YOUR WINDOWS! I have a plan!"

They did as much, Laura bundling in her coat, and Deadpool pulling a unicorn-print blanket from... somewhere and covering himself in it.

"Now, when I tell you..." I grabbed my lever -the type that throws the back of your seat down, you know the one- and relaxed my breathing. "Throw yourselves down however you can.

I felt them nod, but I just stared at the barricade.

The frozen wind felt like razors against my skin.

I couldn't use my eyes to see the rockets, I had to use everything else.

A headache started from how hard I was gritting my teeth.

I saw two flashes of light from the rocket launchers.

[One was moving upwards at a slight angle]

[The other was headed straight forward towards us]

[We were at a slight inclination terrain-wise]

"NOW!"

Laura undid her seatbelt and dove under the glovebox, hands over her head.

Deadpool fully threw himself over the seat, where the feet went.

I fully turned the wheel sideways, and threw my seat back, lying on it.

Those three events occupied the same two seconds.

I threw the handbreak, and laid down.

[The misiles approached]

[Bullets of several guns slammed into the car. None broke through the doors.]

For a glorious second, even slightly blurry, I got to see a missile, sailing over me as it entered empty window of my door used to occupy, and went out the other window, pushing Laura's hair but leaving her unharmed.

[The second misile went straight into one window and came out the other, flying over Deadpool]

I undid the handbreak, let the car finish the spin, and used the handbreak again to right it as I finished getting up and drove it straight through the space between the two trucks that they'd left to move around the guns and goons.

I think I saw a few of them mouth the words 'holy fucking shit'.

"HOLY SHIT!" Deadpool screamed, getting back on his seat. "I AM SO MAD WE DON'T GET TO SEE THAT ON A VIDEO!"

"THAT WAS AWESOME!" Laura agreed.

Bullets started raining back on the car, and I shouted, "STAY DOWN, AND THANK YOU!"

I slumped down on the seat, using every sense but sight to guide the car as bullets tore into it. I reached and touched a button at the front to roll up the windows, some of which were immidiately nicked by bullets.

The bullets stopped but-

[People entering the trucks again and the two vehicles starting again]

[The other cars, bikes and the one helicopter catching up]

We weren't out of the woods just yet.

Sable glared down at the car. Out of the rear window, he could make out Deadpool's idiotic red costume.

She wanted to scream.

She wanted to shout at Deadpool about how didn't he know how his actions would affect him? Why would he do something that could ruin him forever?

She wanted to shout at the girl- at the experiment, she wanted to curse at her for refusing to leaver her thoughts.

She wanted to tear at Spider-Man for getting involved with other people's business, for treating the experiment like a girl and starting this whole damned thing.

Because that was it, wasn't it? The Facility had put, in the contracts they sent out, that they wanted 'assistance in re-adquiring several escaped experiments, and to help keep them under control'. And once Sable found out what that truly meant...

Well, how would it look if the Princess of a country and head of an international mercenary organization for something as petty as simple unethical experiments on children? Everyone would think she was ruled by her emotions.

Like they didn't already, she wanted to scoff.

And yeah. More than anything else at the moment, she wanted to shout at herself for caring. As it turns out, it's a lot harder to be professional when the guy in the spider fursona suit punched you and asked you how you couldn't see how fucked up your job was.

She rubbed her eyes. She couldn't do any of that. She was a professional.

"Ma'am?" The pilot turned to her. "Target is well in sight. Open fire?"

"... No." She had to do something. She wasn't sure what. "I'm sure he has more tricks. Let's wait for him to waste them all."

"Yes'm."

I was shit out of tricks, after the window stunt.

Luckily, we managed to keep away from the mercs long enough to start entering the state of New York.

Our tail was still attatched to our collective ass, and from time to time someone made a shot that came vaguely close to us, but we were managing.

Then I looked at the meter.

"Deadpool! How long do you think until we get to New York, the city?" I asked.

The Merc with a Mouth leaned between the seats, and clicked his tongue.

"We don't have enough gas for the whole way," Deadpool grumbled.

"Hm," I said, stoically.

'FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck-fuck-fuck!'

Our shit was cooked. Our asses were on the fire.

We were dead, we were totally completely fucked up and down.

'Stay calm, stay fucking calm! What would my mentors say?'

Deadpool clasped my shoulder. "Ninja your way through it. Also, sleep with the villain."

I shook my head, that wasn't any help.

Black Widow clasped my shoulder. "Solid Snake your way through it. Also, sleep with the villain."

Fine! No actual mentors! What about my ficitonal mentors?

Batman clasped m-

Anyone else!

A memory of my previous life. I was reading some webcomic called Paranatural, and a character said 'All roads lead to Rome. But we ain't going to Rome.'

He jumped off of the road. I laughed and mentally filed it as 'Insane Troll Logic'.

A feral smile widened my lips, and I tightened my grip on the wheel. "You said we wouldn't make it the whole way?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Then we're not taking the whole way."

I swerved the car to the right, and we left the road.

"I was wondering what he would do about the need for gasoline," Sable admitted, sounding almost casual. "In hindsight, this was the only reasonable answer."

"Leaving the road and dodging trees on a car is reasonable, ma'am?" the pilot asked, sounding almost amused.

"No," a corner of her mouth quirked up and fell just as quick. "But I'm learning that's the kind of brilliant strategies he comes up with."

"... you are being sarcastic when you call them 'brilliant', right?" the pilot asked. "I think you are, but I want to make sure."

"Well, normally I would have been sarcastic in that case, but they always seem to work for him."

"This was a bad idea!" Laura shouted.

"It was my only one!" I admitted.

I barely dodged another tree, and we had two seconds of peace as we crossed another bit of road, before we went back into the wildenress.

Then, in the distance...

"Oh thank you, God," I whispered. "Thank you, Thor, Odin, Loki, Other or whoever. Thank you."

I gave a little maniacal laugh, and swerved the car into the road leading up to the toll booths. We cut in front of a truck, smashed through the little flappy arm of one, and soon enough we were escaping a shit-ton of mercs and some cops.

"HAVE YOU GUYS EVER SEEN 'BLUES BROTHERS'?!" Deadpool shouted over the roar of gunfire from... basically everyone behind us.

"NO!" Laura shouted back.

"YEAH!" I shouted, driving around different cars, sometimes leaving the road to drive on some grass. "AND HERE'S A REANACTMENT!"

Black Widow had taught me how to hotwire, how to manipulate the brakes to control the car's movement, but we'd never had a chance to really do some actual insane stunts instead of just theory.

Driving through New York at full speed while down one eye, half dead on my feet from exhaustion, and suffering a headache from how hard I'd been gritting my teeth definitely counted as an actual insane stunt.

'I'm making a mistake.'

Bah, since when did I listen to that guy anyways?

I drifted around a corner, losing several cop cars and a few mercs.

For a beautiful second, as I finished drifting, I thought, 'Holy shit, I'm gonna win this!'

Naturally, that's when the wheels of the car popped because two cops rolled out some of those spiky things.

"Shit," I said, just before the car started rolling.

Sable dropped out of the helicopter on a cable, and ignored the policemen as she marched towards the upside-down car. Her men would intercept them anyways.

She felt a sick satisfaction, as she approached the vehicle.

'You see?' She thought. 'You see what happens when you meddle in others' affairs? What happens when you go back on your word?'

She knew she was right, this was just the universe's way of proving it.

And then the driver's door went flying from a single punch.

Crawling pitifully, Spider-Man exited the upside-down car. He turned around, and slowly pulled out the girl by the legs.

'No,' Sable grit her teeth. 'No, dammit, no!'

The man held the girl with one arm against his chest, supportive. His other hand was down at his side, made into a fist with skinless knuckles.

His mask was torn, and his clothes were ridiculous, obviously taken from anywhere he could get.

But the Sablinova princess could see one of Spider-Man's eyes. It had heavy bags, it was visibly bloodshot even at a distance, and a cut above the eyebrow was spilling blood on it.

But she could see burning defiance and determination on it.

"Back. The. Fuck. Off." He growled.

'I knew I should have worn my nice body armor,' a detached part of Silver's brain thought.

"Why are you so damn persistant in protecting her?" Sable asked.

"Because she's just a kid," the man replied.

"Is that it? That's your sole reason for facing an army?"

"It's the only one I need." She could tell a sardonic entered his expression, though his focus didn't waver for a second. "Besides, I think I did fine against your army."

"Is that what you'd call it?" She made a whole production of looking him up and down.

"I made it to New York, didn't I?" His right foot slid back. He always had that tilt when he fought, like a right-handed boxer. It was obvious that was the base and foundation of his peculiar fighting style. "Not half bad for just one 16-year-old smartass from Queens."

Ah, that's what that accent was.

Silver looked at the pistol at her side, and back at the man, perfectly ready to fight her or die trying. All for one girl.

"So you're doing all this because of your moral code?" Silver smiled, "Rather foolish, no?"

"Probably," he nodded. "But nobility obligates."

"That it does."

Sable tapped her earpiece, "Everyone stand down. We are retiring from this damned contract."

"Oh thank God," the man sighed, and he fell backwards onto his ass, wrapping the girl with both arms. "I was so fucked if you attacked me."

Sable contemplated re-taking the contract, with that information in mind.

The girl stirred, and Spider-Man looked at her. "Heya, sleepy head. Guess what? We're home free!"

Damn. That just wasn't fair.

I helped Deadpool out of the car as his broken neck healed, and slumped next to him against the upside-down car. Laura sat on my other side, and I felt the adrenaline drain, as I started remembering how much my everything hurt.

My head swam, and my eyelids got heavier.

[Two bodies appearing where they weren't before]

[What is the meaning of this?!]

[Sable International has decided to cancel our contract with you immidiately on account of the fact that you are a bastard. You will be compensated by the suddeness of this event by getting back your last paycheck, plus a small interest. I suggest you take what's yours and leave, sir, as I will only allow you one more use of Sable International's teleporters.]

[I damn well intend to take what is mine!]

My eyes opened slightly, and I lazily wiped the blood from my eye.

There was a guy with a shitty haircut was shouting at a hot girl wearing a silver skintight bodysuit. He was really going at it, smashing a finger against her chest, and screaming so hard I was sure spittle was flying.

"... And I'm telling you, sir, that the girl, as a human being, has rights."

"She's a mutant!"

"And they, too, have rights."

Haricut walked around the sexy silver lady, and made towards me, but the silver lady pulled a gun and leveled it to his head.

"I wouldn't," she warned.

"Funny," a cruel smile appeared on the guy's face. "I was going to tell you the same thing."

He snapped his fingers, and a bunch of goons that had melted into the background suddenly pointed their guns at the silver lady.

"Did you think I let you in my facility just like that? I deviced some chemicals to put people in a state of hypnosis years ago. I never managed to catch you, but I did get over 90% of your men."

The silver lady growled. It was very dramatic.

I felt a guy next to me stir, and I leaned in to whisper. I know it's a bad habit, but I try to be quiet about it when I go to the cinema.

"I hate this cliché," I confided in a whisper. "They should just shoot the mind control guy and then the soldiers would go back to normal."

"Good point," he whispered back. There was something weird about his-

BANG!

-HOLY SHIT I WASN'T WATCHING A MOVIE!

The gunshot snapped me and Laura fully awake, and I watched the bad haircut guy drop.

Smiles from the diner was there, staring at me with fear as I looked around.

There were a few policemen around, looking confused.

Silver Sable just watched the guy drop and snorted with amusement.

"Jesus Christ!" I said. I turned and found Deadpool there, gun still smoking and aimed in the asshole's general direction. "Wilson, you cunt! You shot the guy!"

"It was your idea!" he whined, holstering the gun. "Also, language."

I punched him.

After that, I was in the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, getting patched up by someone whose nametag declared them to be 'Helen Cho'.

I was sure that meant something, but I was at the moment high off my metaphorical balls on extraordinary amounts of morphine.

"Oh," I sighed in contentment. "There is a God, and it loves me."

"Is that so?" Dr. Cho sounded amused.

"Indeed," I relaxed, not even feeling her finish the stitches on my face.

I'd missed the last days before Winter Vacation on the sudden field trip across the states, so it was going to be a trip for some people to see me return to the last semester with a visible scar on my face. Then again, the other side of my face was missing a whole fucking eye, so yeah.

I'd already called the Parkers and let them know that I was fine, and that I'd have to ask them for a favor when I got back.

After that, I let myself drift off to morphine land.

Of course, it wasn't to be, and soon the drugs ended and I pretty much instantly sobered up. Which meant all the pain was also back.

"Fuck," I groaned. "Well, it was nice while it lasted."

For the fuck of it, I picked up the phone they left by my bed and tried Strange's number. I was sure he was still in the spooky who-fucking-cares dimension, but-

"Hello? 177A Bleecker Street?" Illyana answered.

"Oh hell yeah," I sighed.

"Jake? Is that you?"

"Yup, the one and only," I said.

"Jake! What's up, are you setting up another movie maraton? I think I have the weekend off, so we could probably make it a sleepover and you can catch me up on all your dumb Sci-Fi."

"Actually, I had a question for the doc, but I'd love to organize that when I'm a bit less tied up."

"Hey, I'm sure I can handle any magic problems you might have stumbled into!" she sounded a bit offended, and I was in too much pain to care about politeness.

"It's less a Magic Problem and more a I'm-Missing-A-Fucking-Eye Problem."

For half a minute, complete silence.

I leaned the phone away from my ear in preparation for some incredulous screams.

A glowing yellow portal opened at the foot of my bed, and there came the Atomic Blonde, screaming, "YOU'RE MISSING A WHAT?!"

"By the Eye of Agamotto," Strange whispered, looking at me after I finished my story. "They fucked you up but good."

"Fuckin' tell me about it," I said, slumping on his nice couch and nibbling a sandwich Wong handed me. He's such a mother hen. "So, any chance I'll get a Magic Eye of X-Ray Vision? Or a Magical Wye of Depth Perception? Either works, since they took out the old one while I was out."

The thing was busted anyways.

"Afraid not," he rubbed his hands unconsciously, "I'm afraid that certain things that get lost, by crushing or piercing, can't be returned by any ethical means."

"Shit," I said. "Anything to hide the whole missing fucking eye, at least?"

"I'll see what I can do," he said, and floated off.

Wong and Illyana returned from the kitchen, holding as many sandwiches as they could between them. Telling them about my metabolism was a mistake.

Illy asked if S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't be mad that I skipped out, but I shrugged and said that they probably expected it from someone trained by Murdock and Romanoff.

"On that note," I smiled at her. "Wanna help me break someone else out?"

Soon, I was sharing my mountain of sandwiches with a ravenous little girl.

"I still have doubts," May said over dinner.

"What about?" I asked, tossing a steak in the air and catching it with my mouth, to the applause of Peter and Laura.

"You just made two calls, and suddenly it takes us a single hour to adopt a little girl?" May asked. "It doesn't seem ethical."

I shrugged. "Maybe not, but it was a bad thing for a good reason."

May frowned, but looked at Laura as she laughed at Peter's goofy face as he put two chopsticks in his mouth and pretended to be a walrus.

"Yes, I guess it was."

"I for one, welcome our new adorable overlord."

We laughed, and I leaned back, hiding a quick wince at the remaining pain from the healing cuts on my chest.

I realized I was thumbing the ring on my right middle finger, the one Strange gave me so that an illusion would make it look like I had both eyes. I stopped before anyone noticed.

The Parkers knew about my eye, but they never got to see, and I never let Laura catch a good look. They never would if I could help it.

I still felt like shit. But I had done the right thing, and I had a pair of numbers on my phone from two excellent mercenaries that thought they owed me, and the Avengers were fucking up everyone and everything related to Laura's past.

I felt good.