1 Chapter One: Death to Life

Trigger Warning for descriptions of child abuse.

I think... I blanked out for a moment. Where am I? I...

My body feels slack, drained of energy. It's almost as if I cannot properly control my divinity anymore. The air feels stuffy, and the ground I lay on hard and cold, yet comforting.

"Mayari!"

Ah. That's right. I'm... I'm dying. In an attempt to laugh at my foolish state, all that sputters out is a croak and blood. It's spilling out now, and I can feel the heat of my blood pooling from the hole in the middle of my chest. My divinity isn't healing it, meaning...

... this is how it ends.

"Mayari, May..."

The sound of clinking and scraping of metal approaching, and the coldness of thick fabric gloves lined with metal carefully slides under my neck. So cautious, as if handling glass that could break if any wrong move is taken. It doesn't take much effort, just the vague movement of the eyes in front of me to catch a glimpse of that familiar helmet that completely covers their face.

"So that's... your voice, huh?" Their body stiffens a bit, and I can see them swallow something down their throat.

"That's... not, important! Shit, there—there's so much blood...!"

Their speech stutters vaguely, and is so quiet with a low raspiness and does not lean to either femininity or masculinity. Everything I knew about them was an enigma, but that's also a part of them that I love, isn't it?

The weight of time begins to dawn on me, finally, my eyes stinging as it becomes harder to even breathe. I can feel my throat fill with bitter iron, lurching forward just to cough it up. My insides coat my mouth and fall down the corners of my lips with a scorching heat. I can't even lift a finger anymore, it seems. With the life I've lived, when I left for this journey, the only thought I had was that I wanted to die. But now, laying here with only seconds left to spare, I find myself clinging to the little life I have left.

My eyes lift to that shadowy slit between the helmet they wear just so I can just barely meet with their sun kissed eyes that shine through the darkness. It takes every bit of energy I have just to attempt to lift my hand, searching for something. Quickly, they catch it and grip around it softly. For a moment, I think back to that fantasy of those free and endless fields full of their people's laughter, and a place where the sun is always shining.

I wanted to live that future with you.

"Shivani, I..." My voice is caught up in my throat, mixed with blood and saliva. I find myself hiccuping through the heat that falls down my cheeks. "I'm sorry, Shivani. I don't think we can... live together, anymore."

Their grip around my hand tightens slightly, trembling.

"Don't speak, speak like that-t...!" Their tone is desperate, a deep and mellow mix of anger and utter despair that pierces through. Every word that leaves their mouth is barely audible, muffled, but filled with such agonizing emotions that it brings tears to my stinging eyes. My vision blurs and I can feel the coldness consume my body. A high pitched sound begins to ring in my ears as the world slowly drowns away. Through the silence, Shivani's voice continues with stutters, though I cannot make them out any longer.

"... Sorry, what... was that...? I couldn't hear... your voice... clear..."

The sun dies, and I'm drowning in darkness once again.

♢♦︎♢

[... ari...]

In the bubbles of my subconsciousness, there is a familiar yet indescribable voice that begins to echo throughout the muffled world around me. A voice I have both heard my whole life, like a comforting whisper of warmth, yet a voice that has also never once braced my ears. How do you describe a voice that feels like the sun's rays of light, all powerful and condemning, yet can do nothing but watch as we pitiful humans destroy each other? And yet, it's unlike a voice at all. No, more like thoughts that easily flow into my mind. A force that feels akin to an internal monologue, yet doesn't sound like myself at all.

[Mayari, my dear child.]

Ah. It's someone—or rather, something I know well, yet not at all. The voice that repeatedly bid me earnest and sorrowful apologies during the nights when Father would lay his hands on me leaving scars and bruises in his wake. Even when revealed as the Saintess, it only changed Father's tactics to harm me in ways where those injuries could not appear to the common eye, but in the psyche. And yet, not in any of those years did I blame you, no matter how much you may have wished. After all, this despair and hate are because of what we humans do to each other—the humanity you chose to leave behind for the sake of your absolute divinity of godhood.

[Mayari, my dear. My dear child.]

Continuously, that voice echoes in my mind.

[It is time for you to awaken.]

Awaken...? It's comfortable here, in this fluid state of nothingness. Where no one can hurt me, no one can find me, and I can't find anyone. And yet, it's so dark. It's as if I'm at the bottom of a bottomless sea, plunged into and floating in that endless darkness. Who knows how long I've been here, in this safe yet lonely place.

Ah. I want to see you. You, who I long to be with.

That being, though they have no figure that can be seen, feels as though they have smiled. There is a bright light that begins to peak beyond my closed eyelids, and that feeling of being surrounded by water begins to rush backwards.

[Open your eyes.]

The coldness of air hits me as I gasp, the familiar light of the sun beaming onto me as the heavy droplets of water fall off my shape. I inhale a soft breath of oxygen, squinting my eyes as they adjust to the light. It's difficult to grasp my surroundings, and my body is numb yet being overwhelmed with everything. The wet shuffling of drenched cloth is close, and there is the warmth of another's breath near me. There's the slight roughness of someone's palms grasping my shoulder, as well as arms supporting my back and legs.

[Open your eyes, and continue onwards to find...]

Gold sun-like irises meet my gaze as water droplets fall from the small separated strands of the man's similar golden hair. They're deep, and filled with worry and concern as his eyebrows furrow. What long eyelashes, eyelashes that shadow over my reflection inside those flickering golden narrowed eyes.

"Are you alright?"

[... Your Sun.]

That deity's voice dissipates and their direct presence seems to fade away. I still feel as if I'm in a daze, almost like a dream and I haven't yet grasped the reality I am in. My mouth parts, but nothing particularly comes out in response to the stranger's question.

"Your Highness!"

The splashing of water comes closer and an unhelmeted knight clad in metal shoulder pads over a fabric uniform approaches quickly. The vague thought of 'if this were the battlefield, you would have died with that armor' crosses my mind but it quickly goes away once I find the strength to actually look at my surroundings.

A knight?

My eyes look past the knight and to the world beyond. It appears I—or we—stood in the middle of the shallow end of a lake. There is a large crowd that begins to form at a cute bridge nearby. As my vision steadies, many women in heavy and pretty dresses decorated in lace and frills stand with parasols alongside men with neat suits. I think little of it, aside from the vague confusion that subtly swirls in my head.

"Your Highness, what were you—how did you pass—no, break the barri—who is this girl?" The knight has darker neatly styled hair and a scar on his lip. Otherwise, his skin looks unblemished and full of color, as well as the palms of his hands that he holds out are unscathed and scarless aside from a few visible calluses. What a privileged life you've lived.

"None of that matters now, call for the Imperial Physician and some maids to tend to her." My gaze flickers to the golden haired man who was carrying me just now as he carefully transfers my care to the dark haired knight.

"W... Will do, Your Highness!" With great effort, the knight carries me unsurely while treading through the water. He calls out loudly to other knights, some servants in clean and high quality uniforms and dresses approach, but it hardly registers in my mind. It's as if a deep fog was still weighing over me and I just couldn't fully grasp anything that was going around me. We enter the estate, and I find myself gazing out the window as the knight carries me through the staircases and long hallways. By the time I take notice, we're already various floors high and I'm given a general view of the scenery outside. There is little to see, one of which being a partial view of an extremely large and spacious courtyard. Beyond that, I could spot the silhouettes of roofs as far as the eye could see without the slightest of distant forest greenery or mountain range. Yet, what I caught sight of the most of the outside was the broad view of other towers and walls connected to the estate building we had entered. A strange unease began to brew inside me along with my growing confusion. The fog in my mind gradually began to dissipate as this unease continued to grow. It weighed in the back of my mind as my awareness grew, but momentarily pushed it to the back as the knight brought me into a spare room with a handful of female servants.

They appear busy, confused and panicked while carrying various towels and random articles of clothing. I lightly tugged on the knight's uniform to let me down, sliding out of his grasp with ease. The drenched fabric sticks to my skin uncomfortably with even the smallest movement. With the slightest stumble, I straighten onto my feet as the maids glance at each other unsurely as to how to approach.

"Um... excuse me, my Lady, but to dry you thoroughly we will have to invade your personal space..."

The maid tries her best to speak in the most polite and formal way possible while holding a large towel. I glance at the drying cloth, lightly curling my fingers and focusing on the temperate energy coiling inside me. After a moment, I merely shake my head softly in response.

"Drying me won't be necessary."

Slowly, I bring my curled fingers in front of me, unfurling them as I breathe out slowly. A cooling sensation, like rain, spreads out from my core as it releases a light breeze that wisps around my figure. The wave of air becomes more intense, flowing through the folds of my divine garment and between every strand of my hair collecting any moisture left behind. My eye twitches as I feel a great imbalance in the flow of divinity I possess—not a bad imbalance, but rather an abnormal warm surge of energy that grows and becomes more apparent the more I use it. It beats within me like its own pulse, melding together with the cool wash of my usual divinity. I take a quiet moment to analyze the sudden yet easily flowing rush of divine energy.

My Divinity has grown stronger since last I used it—nearly twice as much.

That thought pauses me for a moment as I slow the drying wind. Last I used it? The last time I used my divinity was...

The fog quickly fades in on itself as I finally recall everything that had happened. Unconsciously, my hands fall onto the place between my ribs with dark faded patches of dried bloodstains, completely covering the front of my white battle dress just beneath my chest. I press my fingertips, feeling around my midsection to find no pain nor a gaping hole left behind. Blood rushes to my head and I can feel my flesh heat up as panic fills my mind and body. Flinching, I turn my head toward the tall windows that fill the room and immediately make way to them paying no mind to the confused maids taken by surprise at my sudden actions. The low heels of my combat boots click against the eerily smooth and polished surface of the floor. As I press my fingertips against the shined and clear glass, I peer down at the world beneath. Everything strange I had observed in the numerous passing moments of my awakening flood my mind all at once like a broken river barricade. The unusually large estate building too large to belong to a lesser lord, the knights with little field experience clad in armor not meant to defend themselves from fatality, the civilians wearing lavish and much too clean clothing with more gemstones than there are worn wrinkles—

This is no battlefield, nor a forest clearing. This is a palace. This is the Ouranos Kingdom's Imperial Palace.

But things are different—little things, but I cannot place what. I've only ever been to the palace once in my nearly two decades of life, but things are different. It's hardly noticeable, but I can feel the uncomfortable feeling grow. As I watch the unfamiliar landscape below, my knees tremble and begin to give way before I am caught by the knight.

"My Lady, please don't strain yourself or else His Highness..."

A thousand things overwhelm my mind as he guides me back to the sofa. He turns to dismiss the maids and utters a few words to me but my ability to comprehend them has evaded me completely. My head begins to ache with a steady pain, like a low hum. The knight closes the door behind him leaving me alone in that empty yet somewhat luxurious and shining room. The sunlight peers through the various windows, glittering among the reflective marble.

My moment alone is interrupted quickly as footsteps approach the door. It creaks open and I catch sight of golden locks before I stand up immediately.

"Oh, there's no need to stand!"

I turn to look at him as his hand raises softly. His blonde hair is no longer wet, dried so efficiently it's almost fluffy. He must have his own private priest that helped dry him, as his hair is nearly as long as mine. The man had changed into different clothes, more modest compared to what he had worn before now with a simple white blouse and matching dark pants and gloves.

... No golden eyes? Perhaps it was a trick of the light, back then. The sun beamed irises were in reality a warm green, such as the fragile fields of lush greenery just rid of their morning dew.

His surprised expression shifts into a sheepish smile.

"Please, rest as long as you need, Your Holiness."

I smile politely as my body instinctively stiffens. He's aware of my identity, it seems. Figures—if what that knight calls him is his true title—it's natural for the Imperial Prince to be aware of the Temple's main idols.

"... No, I think I'm fine. Thank you."

At the reminder of my current state of being, my body begins to tremble once again, blood running cold at being brought back to this god forsaken place. What is this? Just what am I even doing here, and how? If this place truly is the Ouranos Imperial Palace, then that means I'm at the very least still in the Ouranos Kingdom's lands. But then, why? Back then when we were fighting Corruption's Budding Vessel...

... I died from that attack, didn't I?

My heart begins to beat rapidly as I dig my fingernails into the fabric creases of my detached sleeves.

No—more importantly—what happened to everyone? Did they survive?

The memory of that person clad in armor hovered over my dying body, and how they called my name for the first and final time.

Mayari!

"Your Holiness—" An abrupt hand upon my shoulder shocks me, a sharp gasp erupting from my throat as I'm forced to meet the man's gaze. "—are you alright?"

His green eyes are softly narrowed, clouded in a genuine worry and concern as his eyebrows furrow with parted lips searching for some response. There is warmth. A familiar warmth of divinity, divinity that intertwines easily with my own. It's reminiscent of the sun, sunlight that doesn't burn and flows smoothly with the fluid coolness of my own divinity; a very calm, tranquil warmth.

This feeling...?

My thoughts are interrupted as the man retracts his hand from my shoulder, a deep red blush staining the entirety of his face that dusts from the expanse of his cheeks to the tips of his ears. He makes a sputtering sound as he takes a few clumsy steps backwards, almost stumbling over himself. His eyes tremble as he flusters, and you could practically see the steam that emits from his ears in heart beating shame.

And just like that, the feeling is gone.

"Oh—god—Divine Surya—what have I done?" He's muttering quickly to himself as he hides his face in embarrassment. The prince's green eyes dart back and forth wearily. It's almost cute, like a bunny. I can barely make out his panicked stammering. "I'm so sorry, please—please excuse my disrespectful behavior, Your Holiness...!"

Disrespectful behavior? I glance over to my shoulder where his hand once was and can't help but stifle out a laugh. Royalty and their strange ways.

"It's fine," I smile reassuringly, more at ease than before. "If anything, I should be apologizing for inconveniencing—"

"Your Highness!"

A different kind of servant bursts through the door without warning. It's another man, but unlike the male servants by the lake or the knight, he wears a different uniform. There's a deep red pattern in the fabric, over his shoulders a short black capelet adorned with gold lined shoulder pads. To his side is a sword that he grips securely with his offhand. The golden haired prince turns to him with a hidden expression as the servant approaches closer. He's breathing heavily, as if he had just ran as fast as he could before anyone else could reach here.

"I—I apologize for interrupting you unannounced, but...!"

For a moment, I thought the man's eyes darted to mine before returning to the prince.

"His Holiness, the Pope, is here and demands permission of entry to this room!"

My blood runs cold instantly and I feel my body freeze, drowning out what else the man has to say. No. No, I—I never wanted to come back here! Not here, not—not back to that place, with that man...!

"It hurts...!"

"I'm sorry Father, I—I promise to be quiet from now on, so...!"

"Father I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry so please sto—!"

"Never call me those disgusting words ever again."

Cold, instantaneous and unflinching words without the slightest ounce of warmth. Those icy, unforgiving eyes that looked just like mine but an arctic blue. A firm, torturous grip around my small wrists, nearly pulling my arm out of its socket without a care for my incessant crying and begging, digging blunt nails into my flesh.

And the lights. Dear Surya, the electric blue lights that defiled god's divinity and shot into my veins, carving root-like burns onto my skin.

"Remember your worthless place, Sewer Rat."

"You will refer to me as 'Your Holiness' the Pope, and nothing else!"

I wanted them to be wrong about you. I wanted so, so bad for you to be a person I could happily call 'father'.

"You... are nothing to me."

"Entering—"

I snap my head up towards the opening doors, taking a wobbly step back.

"—His Holiness, the Pope Selinas Ka Surya!"