Background

I never really had your "ideal" childhood growing up. I didn't really notice though, I thought it was normal for everyone to go through what I had went through. Let me further explain. Ever since my mother had given birth to me, my father absolutely hated me. I never really understood why until I was eight years of age. He always hit me and made me feel worthless, but I thought I'd was normal for everyone to feel this way. He was also so drunk to the point he couldn't even walk or stand, let alone talk. He would just pass out on the floor.

One day I was at my grandmothers house- and it was the most amazing day I have ever had in a long time. I then asked her, "why does daddy always hit me? And why does he always sleep?" She told me what I know now.

"Um. Well sweetie, when you're mother was giving birth to you.. S-she sadly passed away."

"However, you're father took it the hardest of all. Although, I miss her dearly. I know she's watching us right now from paradise. She's always with us. Right here." She gently placed her hand over my heart.

My grandmother was the sweetest, not to mention the only mother figure I had in my life. It's like she was the only person in the whole world that loved me and actually cared for me. You may be wondering what happened to my grandfather, well he died before I was born so, I never really knew him either.

It was time for me to go back home. I was trembling in fear, anytime I would leave home my dad would make up for lost time. Meaning he would hurt me more than usual. The freedom was fun while it lasted.

My grandmother saw that I was uncomfortable, she assured me that everything would be alright but I couldn't help but feel scared. It was never alright, but I didn't tell her that. I didn't want her to worry more.

"Oh hunny, it'll be fine. If anything happens I will be more than happy to take you in permanently."

I felt a little relief after she said that.

When I got there.. It wasn't as I expected. Police and ambulances were everywhere. Turns out my father overdosed.

Two months after the incident, I was finally all settled down in my grandmothers house. Her house was kinda far from home though. It was approximately two hours from my house as soon as you pulled into the driveway.

I remember the one time I came to her house and started a stopwatch on her phone as she said I could play some games.

I began school two weeks later. I was going to the fourth grade around this time in my life as in the past two months it was my birthday. I was around nine years of age.

I remember that I was really nervous. On the first day of school, I was trembling with fear like the time when I was going back home to my dad. A cold sweat ran down my spine as I slowly approached the school building. My palms were a sweaty mess. I tried to open the door, but my hands were too sweaty. I used my shirt to open the door instead

The door left a rusty stain on my uniform. I tried to tuck it into my skirt, but it was no use.

I entered the building and headed straight to the office. I walked quickly with my head down.

I received my schedule from the office and went to my first class. As I walked in, all eyes were on me. I was more scared than before. I had never been to school in my life. There were so many people. So many. So many eyes. So many faces. Just so many. I froze and just stood there in a daze.

The teacher lightly tapped my shoulder and asked me to introduce myself, but I was  just frozen.

I managed to say, "H-hi, I-I'm Sarah. N-nice to meet y-you, I hope we can be friends."

The teacher pointed at my seat. "There. That's going to be your seat for the year."

"O-okay." I was just about to walk to my seat and suddenly I tripped. I had forgotten to tie my shoe lace. Everyone was laughing. I-I just felt so embarrassed. I ran out of the room and into the bathroom. I sat on the dirty floor and sobbed. Why did it feel like everyone around me was against me?

I got up and splashed some water over my now puffy red eyes.

Suddenly a boy with hair as dark as the night sky walked in. His eyes were as blue as the ocean- I-I couldn't stop staring at him.

"What are you doing in the boys bathroom?"

I snap back to reality, "What? This is the girls bathroom."

"Look around you. There's urinals."

He was completely right. I ran out of there as quickly as possible. I just sat in the hallway crying again. I slowly started to doze off from all the crying and the lack of sleep.

About fourty-five minutes later, All of a sudden I hear a loud "bang" right next to me. There stood three boys hovering over me. Then I recognized a familiar face, it was the boy I saw in the bathroom. I guess I missed the bell. First period was over.

"That's the girl that fell in class that I was telling you about, such a loser."

"Yeah, looks like she's been crying too, what a baby. She's probably crying because she's poor, I mean look at her shirt. It's all dirty and on the first day too. She probably couldn't afford to get it washed."

The the dark haired boy began insulting  me next.

"She's so stupid too, I saw her in the boys bathroom. What? You can't read signs now?"

I was trying to fight back so many tears. No one knows what I've been through and they just made my life a living hell.

They would make fun of me everyday and embarrassed me. They always found something wrong and pointed out in front of everybody. That is why no one wanted to befriend me. I guess they were the popular kids and no one wanted to get on their bad side or they would end up like me.

By this time, I had an imaginary friend that would keep me company, but they would make fun of me for talking to myself. One unfortunate day my luck just seemed to have gotten worse and my imaginary friend just disappeared, I didn't notice though. Because there was still a voice in my head.

I have already attempted suicide three times because of this voice in the fourth grade. I tried to hang myself, take my grandmothers pills, and jumping of the roof, but I only broke my right leg and arm. 

It was very difficult times for me, but no one understood that. No one except my grandmother of course.

The voice in my head is about the closest I have ever gotten and will get to having a friend, so I still listen to it to this very day.