Total Suppression
I must confess; I do know more than your average soldier.
When I studied I ended up focusing on humans instead of energy usage in a mana-infected realm. I wanted to learn why Cleo ended up abandoning me. Are humans all that great? Are they worth killing your lifelong companion for? I never understood it. Even now I don't understand it. I spent all my time in the academy with my nose glued to those reports. I learned all about the appeal to the female body from a human male standpoint. I studied their mana. I obsessed over their culture. I read statistics and graphs. I took in anything I could get my hands on--anything at all--that might tell me why giving me up was worth it.
If my energy runs out and I fall into hibernation our connection will disappear. When I wake up, I will no longer be the same person I once was. I will not remember his courting, or what characteristics of his I fell for that made me hug him over and over again. And everything I did--all of my accomplishments--would be washed clean.
A realization struck me.
When we come out of hibernation our memories don't reawaken with us. The energy that keeps our memories returns to our species core and the knowledge gained in that period is then for use of other individuals. It no longer belongs to the one who gave it. They will never get back the memory of having obtained that knowledge and will need to retrieve that knowledge from the beginning all over again.
Is this… death?
I had never considered it as such. Even so, I knew I would come out of hibernation again once our species had the energy so I did not pay it much mind. It's a natural cycle that all of us go through.
However, my human instincts are screaming at me.
I don't want to die.
I want to live.
The very thought of total energy drain sends cold shivers down my back. I have the sudden urge to curl up and cry.
This is not crosser-like. I am indeed no longer a crosser. I am almost something human. No, it doesn't matter that I'm not entirely human anymore. I can no longer return to being my kind. I can no longer do what I once did. That means my goals, plans, and entire life needs to be remapped.
Reality set in.
I didn't need to find Cleo because he isn't my mate anymore.
I needed to find a way to survive. I can't restart again. Before, the idea of restarting didn't frighten me. It was like pressing the 'save' key in a game. I chose the wrong path so I need to go back and try again. But it doesn't feel like that again. As soon as I realized that 'I' can die, the possibility of a restart seems like a silent savior and personalized hell at the same time.
So this is depression.
The conversation somehow continued without me. Before I had my thoughts in order I had already agreed with their suggestion and sent them on their way.
They left with big smiles on their faces while I felt like I was drowning in my tears and at the same time drying into a husk of a corpse.
I sat on the floor and crossed my legs under me. My hands nervously clasped, then unclasped and rested on my knees, then clasped again. I was scared. My hands were trembling and my shirt was sticking to my back from my seat. I tried to take a deep breath to calm down. Then… then I did it: I began suppressing my energy. I suppressed and suppressed and suppressed again. When I reached the mana, I suddenly pressed down all the energy I could all at once. I had to get it as low as possible before I passed out. I had just locked it into place with mana when my trembling and cold sweats disappeared.
[another flashback]
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*Two young boys were huddling in a poorly cleaned, dimly lit room. It was the room of an apartment, but looked a little like a homeless man's hovel the way everything was stashed around the edges of the room. The loosely folded clothes looked clean, but the mold in the corners of the room, the cracks letting bugs in, the crack on the wall, and peeling paint showed the room wasn't cared for. Those living here did not know how to housekeep or fix up. The lightbulb hadn't been changed in so long the yellow light barely let off a glow. It was a mystery it hadn't already gone dark long ago. It was cold and, as is with the room, the atmosphere between the boys was just as dreary.
"You can't let them take me, Ah Jing. I don't want to turn out like mom." The older boy laid on the old mattress. It was obvious he was in pain. His eyes kept fluttering and his face shifted between agony and stoned. It was obvious his mind kept drifting.
"I won't, Ge. I won't let them take you, I promise."
"Ah Jing, I'll get through this. Don't worry. I'll take care of you."
"Ge, you have to hold on." The younger boy, barely school age, shot up from the mattress. He could tell something was wrong with his brother. It was worse than usual this time. He felt as if something was about to happen. The young child was scared that what they'd been fighting all this time was about to come.
His brother was the last family he had. They relied on one another ever since their mother got sick. Their mother was taken away. When she finally came back, she changed. She would smile at them, give them toys, lead them in school work, but it didn't make the boys happy. They knew that ever since she'd returned she was someone else. Something else. She wouldn't even hug them anymore.
The younger boy clung to his brother's side. For the past half a year, he'd been clinging to him like this every chance he got. They were practically inseparable. Their mother was mostly away for work ever since she recovered. This saved the boys the stress of being with a stranger all the time. However, it also meant they had to fend for themselves. The older brother tried but he was clumsy. Most of the time he made more trouble than help. All they could do was push through it.
They only had one another. That's why they didn't tell anyone about when the older brother got sick. They both knew they could get in huge trouble for hiding it. It was illegal to hide someone who was sick. But they felt they had not other choice. If the older brother went the same way as their mother, there would be no one left to take care of the child. Neither of them could dare see another family member turn into that. Neither of them wanted to chance turning into that. Something else. Something that wasn't family. *