Chapter 10: I am slowly loosing myself

I can't believe they had the nerve to actually comment. These idiots don't even care about training, and yet they still have guts to bring up the past! If they think that I'll let of after this then they are crazy, because I've had enough of them and I won't stand any longer for their nonsense. Maybe Lucifer was right. It won't take long before I leave this place once and for all.

He's right about another thing as well, other than the residents of Hell no one will accept me, because I'm different, and yet they won't tell me why. Still, I know why. It's because I'm a half-breed. And one of a kind. Gabriel with Raphael and aunt Evelyn might think I don't know the truth, but I do, I know that Gabriel isn't my biological father. That may be the reason why he changed so much after mothers death, yet that's no reason to act like he did, and he does. It is my fault for following her to the battlefield, and I'll never forgive myself for it. But I'll never forgive him for allowing mom to go to such a dangerous place even though he knew that the battle that day was one we couldn't win. But nooo, he just let her go like he didn't care about what will happen, like he didn't care about her. He always said that he loved us more than anything, and yet he just left her to die like that without even caring. 

Oh well, they're time shall come, fear not. I won't let criminals like them stay alive for long and after I'll get rid of the one who killed mother, I shall join her as well, maybe after I'll also make sure that everything is well, and they are happy. 

I can't say that I'm not happy. On the contrary, I actually am, I mean, how could I not be? Two cute kids, one with reddish hair and brown-dark eyes, the cutest baby boy ever and a sweet little girl with brownish-reddish hair and clear blue eyes. They can be so calm and yet so full of energy. You can tell from afar that they aren't your usual type of children though. Even at the age of a few weeks they are so smart, better said, they are such fast learners. It seems that they aren't your average type of demon or angel, nor your average half-breed, they are different. In the good sense of the word for me, but for others, I fear what will happen to them in the future if the truth about their origins is to be discovered before everything is settled down, and I can take them out of here before it's too late. 

As for me. I couldn't care less about happens to me, since I'll always be happy as long as those dear to me are happy.

Many would say that I'm a good for nothing, but I don't care because I know that they are the weak ones, and they are just jealous.

There is still the fact that I'm always putting up a facade even before Emily and Emma. But what else could I possibly do? I don't want them to know the truth, I don't want them to know that I am scared, scared of what will happen if I can't put an end to this war, scared about what will happen in the future, scared of what will become of me the moment the circles find out what I've done.

I betrayed everyone for my selfishness, but I don't regret it, maybe I will regret the fact that I might not be able to restore the Paradise to its previous glory like I promised to aunt Evelyn, but I'm afraid that if I'll stay longer than needed then I will lose my mind. Since I can't stand this place, not because of the white and all these rules. But because I'm afraid that one day I might hurt someone and all those memories that I don't wish to remember, and I've locked away, might come back to haunt me. And let's not talk about the spilled blood of those innocent people who died, and I wasn't capable of protecting. I'm a failure. The biggest of the failures and there is no possible way for me to atone for my mistakes and sins. 

I don't have a way to change the past, at least not yet. But when I'll have one, I still won't change anything, anything from the past. I'll just change the future. Since the future is the one that matters. The past exists for us to learn from our mistakes, for us to create memories, be them good or bad. We have to look forward for the future not back in the past, we have to live in the present since only in the present can we start making changes for a better future.

Don't let anyone fool you with the phrase" If you change the past, you'll have a better present, a better future." Because it may not be true, since just a little mistake can cost you everything.

Sure, you might not be happy with the choices made in the past, made by the old you, but this just gives you a better reason to you to learn more and be more careful and cautious with the choices you'll have to make from that moment on.

Don't let anyone tell you who and what you are. Don't let anyone change you and what you like. What you like, what you want and what you are defines you and no one can change that. They can try, and many will give their best shot at it. But as long as you remain strong, you'll discover that you are unstoppable.

Many have tried to change me, and they couldn't, not because they weren't capable, trust me, of anything, they were, but I knew that if I let them to, then I wouldn't be able to see those dear to me ever again. Even to this day I have scars to prove what I've gone through and with each passing year I gain more and more to the point that the more I get, the more the pain ceases to exist. I know it's dangerous, since it only serves to prove the fact that I'm slowly losing myself to the demons inside me. 

But there is nothing I can do. Maybe just to hold on until I'll be able to leave this place once and for all, so that, they, won't have to see me this way.

"R..."

"Rose..."

If only time would stop for a while. It would be so nice.

SLAP

"Rosemary Cipriano!"

"Ouch! For the sake of everything holy and unholy, why did you do that?"

"Because you wouldn't answer me!"

"Sorry! I was just lost in though. What did you want to ask me? Or tell me?"

"Well. You see-"