Suicide

There it is again.

That feeling

That's eating me up inside.

Piece by piece.

Memory by memory.

Everything I thought once was,

Is now what I thought was beyond my wildest dreams.

I don't like how it is now.

I hate this place.

I hate its people.

I hate what this place has turned my people into.

And I'm scared it's going to turn me too.

I just want to be numb again.

That's ironic coming from me.

I want the things I cannot have.

And throw away those I no longer need.

I guess that's another reason to hate me.

These reasons that I hate myself for,

The way I look,

The way I act,

All in all, who I am as a person,

They kept piling up,

Until I couldn't handle it anymore.

My family says I'm good at hiding my feelings.

I didn't want to hide them anymore.

I didn't want to stay quiet

While you beat me out of my conscience and back.

And I didn't want to say anything.

We all saw where that got me.

I never touched the floor I bled on every again.

So I tried something new.

This was the 1st base.

And I was already about to hit the homerun.

I cut and cut and cut.

Everything I could think of.

My hair, my wrist, my emotions, my ties.

Everything.

I didn't speak a word.

So they sent me to the hospital.

Something's wrong with her

They said.

I guess my mind has always been a little dysfunctional.

They didn't stop there.

Shouts. Pain. Tears.

Oh, no siree, this was only the beginning.

The best was about to come.

I slept in bed with a ghost.

Because every night,

The one who was supposed to be with me

Slipped away into the dark

Leaving me alone with my thoughts.

That was when I met him.

His name was Alan.

He thought of me as a friend

And I, of something slightly more.

He kept me company,

When I was alone,

And covered my ears,

When the shouts would go on.

We were everything we would ever need

And the world could fall apart for all we care.

Except it wasn't the world that fell apart.

It was us.

When I told my mom that I had a friend.

Then she sent me back.

To that dreaded room.

That stunk of blood and antibacterial liquid.

I wonder why...

I was back at the hospital.

And I needed an escape.

So I thought of the most efficient way to do so.

I am at the hospital anyways.

What would another few pills do?

It's not like they would notice them missing anyways…

That night I crept into the storage.

Each wall was covered in tablets and syrups.

All calling out to me.

But I needed the strongest one.

To knock me out so hard that I wouldn't be able to get back up.

I was right.

It did.

After having 20 more or the same drug.

At first I felt like vomiting.

But I held it in.

Doesn't mean that it was easy to, though.

It was like a canary in a cage,

Trying to escape,

But being pushed down each time.

The pain was unbearable.

But I held strong.

Obviously I didn't die.

I don't know what happened.

But the next morning I woke up,

Feeling worse than the pain yesterday.

They still didn't come.

Those people that sent me here.

Finally they decided they had enough

Of raising two kids.

So they put her in college.

And threw me away.

Like the useless thing I am.

They don't know how deep their words cut.

A child will forever remember

the faults a parent points out in them.

Useless. Weak. Emotional.

But there were a few new ones on that list.

Crazy. Retard. Psycho.

But I guess it's okay.

Because I won't ever hear them say it again.

Not because they are abandoning me to a convent.

No.

Because I'm going to die before they do so.

I'm going to kill myself.

And I might sound like I'm trying to mentally convince myself.

And I am.

Because I need all the strength I can for this.

Because I have no intent of getting up ever again.

This is my final blow.

I hope you're happy now.

I'm coming, Alan.

Now i can finally be able to see u clearly.

To touch you.

I'll be able

to be with you forever.

- Alan