19 INSECURITIES

I want things to go back to how they were.

I want to go on random explorations again. I miss running. I miss the thrill of finding a new hiding spot and waiting to see how long it'll take for Luca to find me. I miss going on trails in the woods with him. I miss the times when I didn't have to act prim and just be my normal self around him.

I could do it all again since he's back.

But I couldn't, because Cece was around. She hated the woods. She hated any type of strenuous activity. I won't forcefully drag her out of the palace if she doesn't want to. I wasn't going to abandon her either.

Hence, from that point on, began our tiny circle of three.

We spent our free time engaging in every tame leisure activity that transpired in close proximity within the palace — basically activities Cece enjoyed. Boring, safe activities. She even made Luca stand around and listen for hours as we practiced a new musical piece she had just acquired. Luca never complained. That's just how he was. His face revealed nothing.

Just like three best friends. Just like I wanted, right?

I should be happy, but I'm not.

My shameful defamation of Luca's reputation did nothing to discourage Cece from getting close to him. Having Luca all to myself was a rare and brief occasion. Cece manages to keep herself included at all times. To be honest, I've developed a little animosity toward her.

And it wasn't her fault. Cece was just being her typical perky self. I didn't have a problem with it before. In fact, that was one thing I liked about her — her ability to entertain me with her endless chatter. Besides, she was probably doing it because she knew how much Luca meant to me. She was making an attempt for my benefit.

But now that Luca's back, said a voice in my head. Does that mean you don't need her anymore?

No! I squashed that guilt-inducing voice in my head. I still want Cece around. She's a good friend.

If only it wasn't Luca… if it was anyone else in the world who was involved, I knew I wouldn't be having those thoughts. For many nights, I've pondered on my strange feelings and finally sorted out the real cause.

I was jealous. I was insecure.

I liked them both, but I disliked them being together. I was afraid Luca might like Cece too much, even more than he liked me. And who wouldn't like her? Cece was tall and beautiful, while I'm stuck with a child's height. I may be born a princess, but she has all the qualities of a real princess. If ranks did not exist, she would be way more desirable than me.

I kept imagining just the two of them together; I've even had a nightmare about it once. Yes. My overdramatic brain conjured up horrifying images while I slept. I dreamt about the night of my birthday in the palace gardens, but I was looking through Andre's eyes. I walked along the dark path until I came upon a secluded stone bench. And on that bench were Luca and Cece, wrapped in each other's arms. I tried to run away, but my feet were buried in quicksand. They both looked at me and laughed.

Then I woke up.

My dream, or in that case, nightmare, usually fades away from my memories a few minutes after waking up. But not that one. Nope. That image still haunts me even when I'm lucid.

I've never been overwhelmed by so many insecurities before. I hated it. It's making me think up all sorts of rotten thoughts that neither of them deserves from me. My worst fear was that Luca and Cece would finally confess their love for each other, ask permission to get married, and live happily ever after. Without me.

Very stupid of me, right?

Of course, I am aware that it was an impossible scenario. It's never going to happen. Cece was a noble. Her marriage would be arranged too, like mine. And Luca was still my bodyguard, captain of my royal guard. He would always be by my side.

And yet, that reality doesn't make me feel any better.

I kept my insecurities to myself. Luca noticed, as expected, but no matter how much he tried, he couldn't get me to talk. Besides, he didn't have a lot of time to try. We're not exactly alone anymore.

After several weeks, I got used to our little setup of three. Sort of. My insecurities were still there, just ignored, pushed to the very bottom of my jealous soul.

When winter came, Luca informed me that he would begin the official selection and training of candidates for my royal guard by the start of the upcoming year. Which meant he would be busy and have less time for me. He was apologetic about it, thinking I would be upset. If circumstances were different, he would've been right. Instead, I welcomed the news. I encouraged him to put his captain duties first.

I'd like to think I did it because I was mature and reasonable, but it was really only to hide the ugly fact that my real intent was to keep him away from getting too close to Cece.

Childish and unreasonable, I know. But at least the new arrangements appeased me.

Before I knew it, spring arrived.

Cece and I were in the atelier, a spacious dedicated arts and crafts room located on the palace's first floor. A lofty east-facing window opened up to the palace grounds, an expansive plot of manicured lawn with a view of the distant woods and hills. We propped up our easels to face the window to somehow gain inspiration from looking at nature, which was the subject of our painting lessons today.

I began by spreading a light blue pigment at random on my canvas to represent the sky. Yep. That's all I got. There are a lot of subjects available, but I settled on the sky. That's how empty my head was at the moment. I looked over at Cece's work beside me. She was almost finished sketching out her idea using a charcoal stick on her canvas. Nice. Cece was systematic, while I just tended to wing it.

I loaded up my brush with green paint and layered it on the bottom part of my canvas to serve as the grass. Very creative.

Half an hour passed, and my work still looked the same; various shades of blue and green dividing the canvas. Cece's work, on the other hand, was already taking shape. She had painted a clump of trees in the distant woods, and she somehow made a bunch of boring trees look interesting.

I giggled.

Cece looked up from her painting to look at me. "Hmm?" she asked.

"Look," I told her, waving at my pathetic painting. "And then, look at yours!"

She winced. "Artist's block?"

"Scratch out the artist part. My mind is just blank."

"Well, worry not. A new subject has appeared," she said with a smile, nodding at the window.

I looked out. A small group had walked into view. Guards, likely in their free time. They stopped under a shade of trees in the distance, forming a rough semicircle. Some remained standing while others sat against the base of the trees. I counted eight in total. Two figures stepped to the front. They were carrying long objects that glinted in the sunlight. Swords. The taller figure looked very familiar.

"Lena, isn't that…?"

"Luca," I replied absently.

We both stared outside, our paintings forgotten. They faced each other and began dueling. It appeared that Luca was training them in sword fighting, occasionally correcting their stances and showing them the proper way to do it. The other guards took turns partnering with him.

"Hot, isn't he?" Cece commented dreamily.

Her comment didn't even bother me. I was too distracted. Cece got bored of the show after a while and went back to her painting. But I kept staring, my eyes trained only on the distant figure that was Luca. I took in the fluidity of his movement, his expertise, and the way he laughed along with his companions.

I found my subject.

Two hours later, I finished my painting.

"Lena! Wow!" Cece exclaimed when she saw my work.

Embarrassed, I tried to turn it away from her, but she was faster. She nudged me aside and stood in front of my painting, gazing at it with awe.

Once I got started, everything just started flowing.

I painted Luca. A smiling, sweaty portrait of Luca. I'm not a good artist, but it was unmistakably him. I managed to capture his expression down to every detail, regardless of how rough of a work it was. The way his dark eyes crinkled up in humor, the way the crease on his bottom lip almost disappeared when he smiled, the way his long hair stuck out in messy pieces from his bun, the sweat track that trickled from his eyebrow down to his jaw and settled on the small bump in his throat — I captured it all from memory.

"Wow," she repeated breathlessly.

"Your Highness! How delightful!" The new voice came from our painting tutor, who had just entered the room. She had left us earlier so we could concentrate. She stood beside Cece to gawk at my painting. "Who is this fascinating subject?"

"Erm…"

"That's Luca, Madame," Cece supplied.

"Captain of my royal guard," I added hastily. "We saw him out there earlier."

"The detail on this… the facial structure… it's simply astounding! Well done, Your Highness!"

"It's not that good, but thanks," I mumbled, my face flaming up.

"Nonsense, it's perfect as it is. Can I have it, Lena?" Cece asked sweetly.

"No!" I cried, stepping in front of the canvas protectively. "I mean… I'll keep it… for now… but I might give it to him later… you know, as a gift… or whatever…" The redness on my face rose to my ears.

Cece gaped at my flustered reaction and giggled. "Of course."

I wanted to bring it up to my room immediately, but I didn't want to seem overeager. Besides, what would everyone say when they saw my bodyguard's portrait in my room? It would be scandalous. I gingerly picked up my canvas and transferred it to an empty easel in a safe, hidden corner of the room. I'll figure out what to do with it later.

Good thing I did, because Luca was waiting for us outside the door. Had I not transferred it, he would've seen it.

"Good afternoon, Luca!" Cece greeted him brightly. "Did you know that Lena—"

"Luca!" I interrupted, pinching Cece in the arm before she could embarrass me. "Earlier, we saw you and your friends playing with swords outside."

Luca glanced at the window behind us, then looked at me with his brows raised. "We weren't playing with swords. I was training them. They're your guards, by the way."

I scoffed. "Your men, Captain Luca."

He ignored my mocking tone. "His Majesty requested to see you."

"What does my father want?" I asked uneasily. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my betrothal. I just turned eighteen! Can't he wait a few more years?