chapter 1: infantile struggles

After due consideration, I have come to the conclusion that reincarnation is a bitch.

Being consciously aware of your every moment as a newborn is one of the most brutal forms of mental torture I can imagine, and I would not recommend it even to my worst enemies. Not only was the lack of bladder control a pain, but there was also the fact that most of my bones weren't bones, but rather cartilage, the stuff that's in your ears and nose. Coupled with barely working senses, the inability to speak or understand anything, and virtually non-existent mobility, I began to understand why a child's memory ordinarily starts functioning at three years old. If there were any upsides to my situation, it would be that I was not conscious during my birth (thank god) and that infants needed loads of sleep, which was always welcome.

Now don't get me wrong, the gift of reincarnation is one many would unhesitantly kill for, and if I were one of the unfortunate souls that prayed for a chance like this, I would be ecstatic. The problem, however, was that I was doing great in my past life. I was a young man, seventeen years old, to be exact. I had a loving family, great friends, did well at school, was popular with men and women alike, and was generally having the time of my life. To have all that taken away dealt a horrible blow to my sanity, perhaps even more than having to experience being an infant.

But there was one specific thing that was the icing on the cake that was my misfortune. It was also the last thing that happened before I died, which made it all the worse.

Moments before my (temporary) demise, I was about to lose my virginity.

It is perhaps the most significant event in a man's life. It's not only an unforgettable moment of pure bliss (or so I'd heard). It is also the barrier that signifies the metamorphosis from a mere boy to a true man. And I was robbed of this. As I prepared to undergo my first night of passion with a girl I actually liked and who seemed to like me as well, the impossible happened. A meteor, an actual rock from outer space, burst through my window and hit me square on the head, killing me instantly.

For me to be cockblocked by God himself, and in such a direct way, I must have offended him greatly. The only consolation to my plight was that maybe, just maybe, I was saved from a lifetime of suffering from an STD.

Alas, what's done is done, and like I always used to say, when I still had the ability to do so, don't dwell on the past, but make sure your present won't need dwelling on in the future. And as I prepared for my third nap of the day, I thought to myself that that was exactly what I was going to do.

A.N./// what's up ladies and gents, welcome to this random ass thing I decided to make on a whim. if you like it, thanks! if you hate it, tell me why, and I'll try to improve. i don't really have a clue what I'm doing and I'm mostly making stuff up as i go. anyways, love y'all, and see ya next chapter.