99 Valentine's Day Special

(Not canon at all, crack/parody chapter... made it for fun.)

Together in some strange cartoonish space, both Rhaegar and Aerion stood beside each other.

"As you know, my son, today is Valentine's day... the celebration of love and affection!" Rhaegar Targaryen announced rather enthusiastically as he held a winter rose in his hand. "So who will you be celebrating it with?"

Aerion glanced to the side, where images of all of his love interests appeared. "Is the opportunity limited to just one?"

"Well... ideally, yes." Rhaegar chuckled. "I find it a little... just a little hypocritical that you don't like the fact that I loved Lyanna over your mother when it's looking like you're going to have well over five wives-"

"... At least I win my wars!" Aerion Targaryen shook his head. "Perhaps if you would have actually beaten the stone-headed Robert Baratheon, I would be less hateful."

"Fair..." Rhaegar nodded, shrugging his shoulders. "Sooo, how's it going with that Jocelyn girl? It seems like you're following in your great father's footsteps with the Stark girl, hahaha."

"It's not like that."

"Stop the capp." Rhaegar Targaryen laughed. "Father, what do you think about Aerion's lustful nature?"

"That's my boy, hahaha!" Aerys, the Mad King, appeared behind Aerion and proudly grabbed his shoulder. "I raised him as my protégé, you see. He is only so great because of my teachings!"

"Right..." Aerion frowned, shrugging his hand to the side. "Grandfather, you stink almost as terrible as Flea Bottom and your nails are as long as daggers... even in this strange space, you don't take care of yourself?"

"Oh... my apologies." Aerys laughed, warping into his 'peak' form, where he was once said to be handsome. "This is a more fitting appearance for Valentine's Day, no? I wonder if Joanna Lannister will look at me again..."

"You ought to care more for mother," Rhaegar replied, shaking his head. "Not Tywin's wife..."

"You're boring." Aerys rolled his eyes, turning to Aerion. "Staying true to a single woman is boring, isn't it? What King... a King of House Targaryen should restrain himself to a single woman? See, we've all done this, at the end of the day! I had my mistresses, Rhaegar had his Lyanna girl and my little protégé here plans to have five wives!"

"I never truly thought about fucking another man's wife or someone promised to them, however..." Aerion exchanged glances with Aerys and Rhaegar. "And I'm not your protégé, grandfather. What did you even teach me?"

"Why, I taught you many things when you were little! Remember when I had your little legs climb up the Iron Throne?"

"... How is that even relevant?"

"From that challenge, you gained incomparable strength and determination! Naturally... the warrior that you would become was all because of me pushing you forwards!"

"Your grandfather is still a little mad, as you can see." Rhaegar rolled his eyes as he whispered to Aerion. "Staying with that nutcase in the afterlife is quite difficult... please, free me when you can"

"What are you whispering about? Whatever, show me the beauties of Aerion's age! I shall inspect them myself, hahaha."

"This is so embarrassing." Aerion sighed, watching as all of the beauties he had known appeared before the trio and stood in a straight line. The first in line was his first wife, Arianne Martell.

"Beautiful... but Dornish. Hmm, a solid six out of ten." Aerys judged.

"A six... out of ten!?" Aerion shook his head in disapproval. "Are you blind, old man?"

"She is a ten for sure. I don't know what father is smoking." Rhaegar shrugged his shoulders.

"For my protégé, she is pretty enough to scrub his shoes... sure. But my grandson deserves a valyrian beauty!" Aerys countered, remaining true to his words. "Next!"

"Tss... you really want to die a second time, gramps." Aerion shook his head.

The next in line was Cersei Lannister which made Aerys smile. "Now that's a beauty! She looks just like her mother... perhaps even more beautiful. I'd definitely give her a good tumbling on a random Sunday! Unfortunately, her golden appearance is still not comparable to that of Targaryen beauty so I must leave her at a nine!"

"I thought you'd develop a hatred for Lannisters after your death..." Aerion glanced in surprise. "Also, she is Viserys' wife..."

"I'm still smashing if I can, hahaha." Aerys laughed. "I'm sure my son knows how to share!"

"Good thing you're dead, in that case." Rhaegar sighed. "Cersei is a nine, I suppose."

"Golden hair is sexy." Aerion agreed, shrugging his shoulders. "Nine."

Next, it was Ashara Dayne.

"Dornish... a solid five, I suppose... onto the next one!"

"I think she's a ten... my son has good tastes." Rhaegar nodded.

"What's wrong with dornish women, grandfather?" Aerion raised an eyebrow.

"They have this unpleasant smell... all Dornish do. I knew it was a mistake to not send you off with Viserys and Daenerys. Then you would not have been brainwashed by those stinking sand men..."

"Ironic." Aerion remarked.

"Ironic." Rhaegar agreed, nodding along.

"Next... oh, this is is Daenerys?" Aerys' eyes widened with pride as he chuckled. "Yes, she is, without a doubt, a perfect ten!"

"Agreed." Rhaegar nodded.

"No complaints here... she is quite beautiful, although a little on the flatter side-"

"I am feeling like disowning my protégé..."

"I'd sooner disown you, grandfather," Aerion replied with a smile. "A 'perfect' beauty must have substantial breasts! That is the meaning of perfect... alas, Daenerys is still a ten but not quite perfect."

"Hahahaha..." Rhaegar couldn't control his laughter. "Let's move on."

"Tch... who's this, a Tyrell?" Aerys rolled his eyes disapprovingly. "Look at this bitch, you can seeeeee her scheming with that grin of hers. My protégé, you do not intend to marry a lady from a traitorous house like House Tyrell, do you? If they were truly loyal to me, the Rebellion would have been won with sheer numbers!"

"... I don't recall my personal life being any of your business, grandfather."

"I blame Rhaegar's dog shit parenting on this mistake." Aerys sighed, shaking his head. "A complete failure! He has tainted my protégé's perfection in some way... hmph, Rhaegar, your only worthy was giving the seed for Aerion's birth."

"Woah... alright, then."

"Fucking brain-dead bot chasing nonsensical prophecies," Aerys added coal to the fire. "If you hadn't ran off with the stark girl, her brother and father would have never come to me... and I never would have burned them."

"Maybe you should have never burned them, in the first place." Rhaegar shrugged.

"And maybe YOU should not have run off to god knows where with the stark girl for an entire year. I swear, I should have burned you after the Tourney of Harrenhal for the shit you pulled and raised my protégé properly."

"... Hmph." Rhaegar gave no further reply.

"Right... weren't we celebrating some special day?" Aerion interrupted. "If anything, I should be the one flaming both of you but I'm over it."

"Whatever... this bland Tyrell is a weak four, next." Aerys waved his hand.

"... An eight to a nine." Rhaegar added.

"Nine."

"Just because she is your wife-to-be does not mean you have to lie, boy." Aerys advised. "They don't hear what you have to say... so you can be honest, hahaha. Anyway, who's next? This one's a little small. The bastard-making rebel's AND stark girl's offspring? Oh looooord."

"Are we rating children now?" Aerion inquired.

"Eh, she has her mother's looks. Will be a ten in the future... certainly." Rhaegar replied, glancing at his father. "As for him... ahh, I don't think his rating will be quite so positive."

"I've never seen a more disgusting girl in the world... and she dares call herself a princess! It is as if all of the evils in the world merged into one... to create this little monster! And my protégé is to marry her... what has become of MY great legacy!? Will the future emperors of House Targaryen carry Robert's AND stark girl's blood!? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"

"What great legacy, exactly?" Aerion asked. "As far as I am concerned, you are known as the Mad King and nothing more."

"Mumbling fools attempting to put stains on my golden legacy... hmph, you listen to them far too much. I am your grandfather, King Aerys, the second of MY name, the greatest king in House Targaryen's history! It's because of the foundations that I set for you, my brilliant grandson, that you were so successful!"

"A little delusional, there." Rhaegar scratched his hair. "If you were so excellent, no one would talk about replacing you with me during the Tourney of Harrenhal and even before that."

"Shut up, you useless bastard." Aerys rolled his eyes. "Aerion, my protégé, my ward... my wonderful grandson, the pride and joy of my life... please tell me that you will NOT marry this witch in the making."

"I will."

"Ahhh..." Aerys sounded as if he had been burned by fire. "Rhaegar!! This is all your fault. Because of YOU, my perfect grandson has a fascination with wolf girls!"

"How did I affect him in that regard??" Rhaegar made a puzzled expression.

"You just did... by existing! Alas, I have made my judgement! She is a zero... worse than a zero, in fact! Her beauty is nonexistent... she is the ugliest thing in existence!"

"You want to die?" Aerion spoke with a cold look in his eyes.

"I... Rhaegar!!!"

"What did I do now!?"

"It's all your bloody fault my perfect grandson is so cold!" Aerys sighed with a disgruntled expression. "Go on, proceed to the next one... I do not wish to linger here further."

However, Jocelyn Baratheon did not disappear like the rest. Instead, she warped into a more mature state.

"They... grow up like that?" Aerion, bewildered, observed. "This..."

"Damn... my son is quite fortunate." Rhaegar chuckled.

"So what if she grew taller, grew some muscles and swelled in certain places... she is still unbearably ugly! Move on, move on!"

"I wanted to see more, though." Aerion sighed, shaking his head as Jocelyn's figure vanished. "You're boring, grandfather. And your tastes in women are equally terrible. A homeless man from flea bottom could judge women better than you."

"... He does not mean that." Aerys heartfully chuckled to himself. "My grandson is a great jester, like his grandfather. That is why the court loves us so much!"

"... Is he talking to himself?" Aerion asked.

"Maybe he found an imaginary friend." Rhaegar shrugged his shoulders. "It seems that we've observed all of House Targaryen's queens... or future queens, for that matter. Daenerys easily claims first place with tens across the board, heh. So what now?"

"Two from Dorne, one from House Tyrell, one monster... ahh, the only saving grace in my grandson's harem is my daughter, Daenerys. I would be rolling in my grave if a child from any of those former mentioned women sat on any throne!"

"What does the known world think?" Aerion wondered as a screen displaying poll numbers appeared.

Staggeringly, a matured Jocelyn Baratheon came out with 40% of the votes followed by Daenerys Targaryen with 20% and Arianne Martell with 15%. Then Cersei had 12%, Ashara had 8% and Margaery came last with 5%.

"The world has spoken, it seems..." Aerion shrugged his shoulders. "I can't disagree with the winner-"

"The world is blind... hmph, Targaryen beauty is supreme and anyone who says otherwise is voting out of their ass! Whatever, I wish to see the male alternative to this. The world should know the truth in that regard, at the very least."

The poll results were swapped with the most handsome men in Westeros, including Aerion, Viserys, Jaime Lannister, Renly Baratheon, Loras Tyrell and Robert Baratheon.

Results:

Aerion: 99.999%

Viserys: 0.00026%

Jaime: 0.00024%

Robert (Soul Knight): 0.00021%

Renly: 0.00019%

Loras: 0.00010%

"Yessss, that is my grandson right there... an absolute stud! He is just as handsome as I was in my prime."

"Men ought to hide their wives if this isn't rigged..." Rhaegar chuckled.

"I... didn't think it would be that much of a landslide," Aerion observed, smiling to himself. "For every ten thousand, there is only one woman chooses another."

"Good, very good. Before I leave, you better treat Daenerys to a nice dinner date and proclaim her as your valentine... whatever that thing is." Aerys demanded, his purple eyes glowing. "Then you will set aside your other 'wives', making them servant girls or mistresses at the most. That is the only logical solution to the problem you have made for yourself!"

"... Right, I will totally keep that in mind." Aerion rolled his eyes.

"How troublesome is youth..." Aerys sighed, shaking his head. "Rhaegar, do something useful for once and teach this boy some sense!"

"Don't think I need to... nor will he listen to me."

"This is what happens when you're a deadbeat father, Rhaegar. Your children don't listen to you! As for my case... you were always a depressed little shit from the moment you were born. Even the greatest father couldn't talk sense into you."

"Free me from my suffering..." Rhaegar muttered under his breath.

Aerion chuckled, smiling a little. "Don't worry, father, I will. If I can only choose one every year... I'd like to go with Jocelyn first."

"The Gods are sooooooooooooooooooo cruel!" Aerys screamed like he had been burned by wildfire before breaking down into tears. "My pride and joy, tarnished by that monster..."

"Your reaction was worthwhile in of itself, old man." Aerion laughed.

"Well... then. I guess it can't be helped." Aerys took a deep breath, composing himself. As his body started to fade away, he seemed to have changed once again.

"I wish the best for you, my worthy grandson. I look forward to witnessing more of your conquests... even if you don't see me in the brightest light, know that I will always be smiling from above. Know that... I could not be more proud of the man that you have become!"

"The old man really stole the show and the words I was going to say, huh..." Rhaegar sighed as he looked at Aerion. "Forgive me for making your life so difficult... it was not my intention. I wanted to win, I thought I was going to... but I lost and my family paid the price. You know that... I was a terrible father."

"Everyone knows that." Aerion nodded.

"Burn... that burn was worse than the one Brandon Stark got from me, hahaha!" Aerys suddenly turned mad again.

"Guess it can't be helped... besides that, I hope the best for you. Live your life without any regrets but do not become too unruly. Treat all of your wives well and with equal love. Be a better father than I ever was to all of your children. Don't forget to keep marching forward with your magic, either... if you do, one day, Rhaenys and Aegon will surely join your side again. As for me... I doubt you will have enough care in your heart... how could I expect another result? It is all my fault..."

"See what I'm talking about? Seeing and hearing this depressing shit mope around every day is irritating!" Aerys shook his head. "From his sad songs, to his sad sayings all the way to his sad eyes! How can you be my son and act so bloody sad!?"

"Haha... you guys have a swell time." Aerion smiled, waving them goodbye. "Farewell, old man... and father. I had a good time here, looking back on it all. The day may come when we truly meet again... but for now, this will be farewell."

"Remember, you have my flames and teachings to guide you to greatness!" Aerys smiled.

"Don't bring too many daughters-in-law with you into the afterlife... I hope so, anyway." Rhaegar chuckled. "It's cramped enough as it is."

"I'll try to restrain myself, hahaha." Aerion scratched his hair, light-heartedly laughing.

And so, the day ended.