The mysteries of me

So I have a question, do you enjoy who you are? if so what do you like about your self? but don't worry if you don't the answer because it also took me a while to figure it out and even to this day I am finding out new things that I love and hate about my self, for example recently I felt true jealousy for the very first time and let me tell you, it is the worse feeling I have every felt in my entire life and it was all because ( and I know this is going to sounds cheesy ) I found out that my crush is dating one of my best friends and for the next 48 hours I drifted in and out of depression, aniexty, anger and loneliness all because I was scared that I was going to lose her ( for privacy reason my friends name will not be said, I will refer to her as jas ) but for the most part I had nothing to fear but I would not realise it until later, so for now let explain my thought process at the time.

The first time i found out was over discord ( me, jas and her boyfriend like to role playing over discord ) when the three of us were rp'ing in our server, that's when jas messages me about a new idea for what is or might happen in future events when out of nowhere she messages me telling me that her and my friend were together now and to be honest at first I was happy but soon that happiness would turn into at first jealousy and I would start to put on a fake persona that would make seem like i was happy for them and I would wish for nothing but the best but in reality I started to hate my friend for taking someone who I had feelings for away from me and all I wanted to do is to simply punch my friend but like most friends I really didn't want to do it but at the time it seemed like the best option but as time passed I would soon realise that my anger was resonating from me being a little cry baby bitch.

Not too long after finding out this information, many things started to happen, at first I wanted to cry because I felt like I was now all alone and that's how is was going to be for the rest of my life and I was going to die a lonely old bastard who lost his only chance to fine true love but as most of you know this was an overreaction but like I said at the time it seemed like that was what was going to happen, but soon that sadness would turn into depression and for those who have ever suffered from depression you know how it slowly tears you apart from the in side out until you can no longer take it and you take matters into your own, fortunately for me it never got close to that point but form just that short time of experiencing depression I can tell you that if you don't talk to someone or if someone doesn't notice the changes in you then it can spiral out of control and after certain amount of time, for some they can never recover from that pit of darkness, forever trapped in a cycle of none stop paranoia, aniexty and emotional pain.

After the depression I kept on cycling through all of them going from rage, to jealousy, to depression in a non stop cycle until finally I managed to somewhat sort my self out and I finally messaged Jas back to told her how much she ment to me and that the amount of happiness she brought could not be described by any words in the world and that if I were to lose then I wouldn't be able to go on in this world and after all that was said and done, Jas messaged me back and to be honest I expected her to call me some sort of ugly freak and then block me from all social media but to my surprise this is the response I got from her " it's ok Josh I know you that mean well, the things I trust my friends but I trust you especially since I can tell you are a truely kind friend that would never betray or hurt a friend and that if push comes to shove you would do anything for a friend like me and that's the reason why I trust you more then most of my friends" When i saw that message I broke down into tears knowing Jas would still understand me even after confessing how I feel for her and I tell you now, but I guarantee you have no idea how special it is to have to a friend that understands me and understands how I feel and I know if you are reading this, it may not make a lot of sense but In my mind, Jas is a miracle to me and to be honest I don't deserve someone like Jas but yet she still talks to me and messages me and I don't know why because she could easily leave me behind and go higher in life without me being involved but yet she stays with me, at my level and for that Jas I can not express how much I appreciate you supporting me and my pathetic life.

you may not realise it Jasmine but you are my saviour, you are the reason I haven't left this world and for that I would do anything for you in order to keep you happy and well in your relationship.

Josh