24 23. Crimson Velvet

Sunday, 22nd. March. 2015

Blonde hair, a crimson velvet dress. A princess torn and broken on the wooden oak floors.

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Vivid flashes of imagery from last night's dream blurred with the reality of events I could recall. One I knew had happened, the other I was unsure. But they melded, seeped in, and left an eerie, irked sensation.

I struggled, shaking my head vigorously to stop myself from falling into them each time. I'd spent most of the day doing this whilst trying to write lyrics from my huddled place on the couch. The more time that passed, the more I became convinced that these were parts of my memories. At first, I wanted to find what I'd lost, even eagerly. But had I been naïve in thinking it would be fine once I did?

The state of flux made it difficult to concentrate. It was daunting. But I surrendered, unable to rid myself of the visions plaguing my mind. I let it flow, the ballpoint of the pen rolling across the sheets of paper.

The touches violate my skin. Unravelling my soul.

My essence blooms, as though it were a white flower. Then, the petals blacken like the ink of my pen, shrivelling in despair.

The fear, it's vast, like a dark void ready to swallow me whole. It's all here, hidden in the depths of my soul. Locked away, words that remain untold.

The feelings seem to disperse, become lighter and fade away. I couldn't explain them. Understand why I had them or where they'd come from. Leaving me shaken and empty.

Last night, I wanted Joon's touch, his heated kisses, to be whirled around tenderly and lose myself in him entirely. But my body was reacting in ways I couldn't explain. There had to be a reason. Was this some sort of posttraumatic stress? Set off by something? I kept thinking about it. It's the only logic that makes any sense. Or.. Had he violated me before?

This was frustrating. I felt like I had picked up an incomplete puzzle. Half the pieces were missing and I was desperately trying to connect what I had together to make sense of it all.

For now, maybe it was better if I avoided Joon.. I didn't hold it against him. Until now, nothing like this had ever happened. He'd always treated me with care and sweet intentions. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding, but either way, I couldn't be sure. These feelings weren't without reason or cause, even if I didn't know what those were yet. From here on, I'll tread with caution. Because you never really know.

I rested my pen down on the notepad and looked out the window at the orange and yellow hues of the setting sun. It was just as I began contemplating what to eat for dinner that I heard a knock on my door.

Feeling hesitant, I cracked open the door and took a peek outside. Tae and Jimin both stood there, lightly smiling, and plastic takeout bag in hand.

"Hi" Jimin greeted. Tae gave a small wave.

"Hey, what're you guys doing?" I opened the door a bit more, my body relaxed at the sight of them.

"We were in the area and thought we might drop by to see if you wanted to eat with us" Tae explained, his gaze softening. The smell of something delicious hit my nose, causing my empty stomach to gurgle.

"Ahh, I guess you came at the right time" I laughed awkwardly, a smile spreading across their faces at the sound.

"I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing," Jimin giggled. I gave in to my stomach and stepped aside to let them in.

"Go sit down, I'll close it" Tae feigned a smile, moving to reach for the door to shut it behind them.

"Okay, thank you" I let go and followed Jimin over to the island counter where he'd just set down our dinner.

"I hope you're in the mood for soup and meat," Jimin hummed, taking out the containers and setting the bag aside. Tae came over and slipped into the seat next to me.

"It smells great," I commented, walking around to grab cutlery and dishes from the draw.

"I knew it. See, told you she'd want this over noodles," Tae gloated.

Jimin gave a short laugh. "Fine, you win."

As I turned and placed everything on the table, I noticed the pleased look on Tae's face. The two of them were the epitome of comfort..

The three of us sat around the counter and ate together. Tae and Jimin both kept stacking meat on my plate as I ate. It made me feel cared for… more than usual. I didn't know if it was because I still felt vulnerable from earlier in the day or if they were just being nicer than usual.. but; it put my heart at ease, as though naturally two of my closest friends… it was nostalgic and hard to put into words.

The sun had set, so I turned on the lights and dimmed them a smidge. These days, bright lights seem to irritate my eyes. Tae and Jimin asked me if I felt like watching a movie after dinner, so the three of us set ourselves up on the couch together.

Jimin sat on my left, facing the window cross-legged, fiddling with the laptop we had laid out in front of us.

To my right, mirroring my position, Tae lay on his stomach, feet dangling off the edge of the couch because he was so tall. He was pointing out which movies were the best to Jimin as he scrolled.

After some light bickering between the two, I decided to just pick something neither of them had mentioned to settle it. Both of them conceded.

I rest my chin on my folded arms. The way they carried on was cute but, laying this closely between them made it hard to ignore the fact that they were still men. The more time I spent with them, the more I noticed their dualities.

Whether it was the flex of Jimin's forearm muscles as he joined us to lie down on his stomach, or the broadness of Tae's shoulders. The smallest details stood out, keeping the thought lingering in the back of my mind.

But, as Tae reached to grab my spare folded blanket and threw it over all of us and Jimin tucked it in on my other side, it reminded me of how sweet their gestures were.

I let go of my thoughts and drifted into the movie as it started. The sound of the movie seemed to fade into the background against the faint breathing that came from close beside me. It mingled with the rustle of the blanket, cosy and peaceful.

My eyelids became heavier, closing on their own. I focused on the atmosphere surrounding me, letting its comfort embrace me.

As darkness envelops me, I see the princess dressed in the red velvet of her dress.

She's so beautiful, but she weeps. Clutching her chest over the place, her heart lives. Melodies of tragedy, as she fell to her knees. Drowned by her bleeding heart, trepidation and fear.

As I rouse, the melancholy fades, replaced with a gentle rustling of my hair. Soft, slowly paced. I peer up. Tae had turned on his side and rested his arm on my back, enclosing me close, hand kneading my hair.

"It's okay, go back to sleep. I'll be here, always.. You're mine.." His gaze and a small smile lingered. The faint flash of light reflected off the side of his face. I heard soft snoring from my other side and assumed Jimin had fallen asleep. Always.. Mine…

Sleepy spells floated. I lean into them, inching the tiniest bit closer to Tae, my side pressed against the warmth of his body. With it, an indescribable sense of belonging.

If regaining my memories meant ruining what I had… Did I really want them back, after all? Jin's words floated back to me. Perhaps it was better to live in the moment. To not push any further. The reality of what darkness may lie ahead scared me. I was happy. Did I really want to put that in jeopardy for the unknown?

My future seemed to hang in a delicate balance, and it frightened me. Not knowing which way I would fall. Or what awaited me at the end of it all? Was there an end at all? Would it be a never-ending free-fall?

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Memories - Jimin's Piece:

21st, March. 2015

Joonie had just left to walk Jia back home. All the others were getting ready for bed except Tae and Jungkookie, who were mucking around over by the sink, supposedly doing the dishes.

I rest my head down on my folded arms over the table in front of me, still feeling my head spinning from the alcohol. We really shouldn't have been drinking this close to a performance. However, with taking a night off, we'd unanimously decided we wanted to spend it with Jia and relax as much as we could.

She looked so happy to be back with us, but why did I feel like it was all about to crumble any second now? I'd held on to the notebook she'd dropped. It was full of her thoughts and feelings. The only other person I'd shown it to was Tae.

Although I felt bad about peeking, I was glad that I had. If not, I may have never known just how lost and confused she felt.

I want to make sure she kept smiling, and after some deep thinking, I may have finally figured out a way to do that.

The shutting of the front door cut into my thoughts. Joon arrived back home. He looked deeply troubled as he stepped inside and slipped off his shoes.

Tae called out to him, asking if she got home safely. But, as Joonie shook his head solemnly, he and Jungkookie exchanged blank glances.

Joon sat down at the table with a sigh, rubbing his temples as he did. I asked him what was wrong. By this point, the other two had finished up at the sink and came to sit down too.

"I think I fucked up," Joon admitted. Hobi Hyung came out of the bedroom. Quick to read the air, he came and sat beside me and urged Joon to explain what had happened.

So, he told us everything. Like word vomit it spilled out of him, how he'd got caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. Completely misreading the situation and then regretting it right away. He was beating himself up about this right now.

I let out a small sigh. Jungkook and Tae both looked worried as hell. And frankly, so was I. Hoseok reassured him, insisting we could still fix it and not worry.

I didn't want Joon blaming himself for this. We all knew the situation was complicated.

After some more discussion, I proposed that Tae and I should check on her tomorrow night and make sure she was okay. Everyone present agreed that I was probably the best person, seeing as I had that gentle touch that was needed at a time like this.

I just hope whatever happened tonight doesn't lead to anything more serious. That was the last thing we needed right now.

Notes:

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to update as much as I used too.. I got a new job and now I work 6 days a week... I'm so sad... But I'm still trying really hard to write !! I love you guys.. And I'll see you again soon, hope you enjoy this chapter :)<3