Chapter 38: Honlanseuleoun (Confusion)

I could only glare at her before trying to get back to sleep, but I couldn't stop thinking about how angry I got when Yeon told me about everything that she had been through in my home under my nose...after everything that girl had been through to prove her point earlier, and she still didn't hadn't broken down at all...just like I hadn't either. I knew she was resilient but not to this extent. The way that Hwi fussed over her, anyone would think that she was one of those weak-willed women who cried about anything and everything. But now that I think back...I don't think I've seen Yeon cry once in a decade. In fact, when she had her fits I would see her smiling just as widely afterwards or the next day like nothing happened at all! She wasn't weak...so why did I still get angry enough to not only defy my father for the first time in my life but I really rounded up all the servants and I had them flogged about 30 times each? And I know it sounds ridiculous, but I didn't really realise how...rich her eye colour was, or how soft her hair was when it brushed against my skin. It was a surprise that was for sure...and all I wanted to do was to examine her poorly but my damned servant kept on interrupting me...so I was justified in what I did. I think.

And Yeon had lost her memories, which meant she couldn't remember her crush on me so why...did she still smile at me like that? It wasn't; a general smile, or a pitiful smile like Hui-Jee always gave me so Yeon wasn't looking down on me just like she never did in the past. The fact that I couldn't decipher her look or know what she was thinking when she went out of her way to interact with me completely irritated me to no end and I had no idea why. But I guess...well she was my only person here in this miserable place, a person I knew for years who I sort of had to myself if my father hadn't threatened me with her safety if we got too close...just the thought of him tying to take this one thing away from me that I had made me more angrier than anything else he had put me through; the constant training until my fingers bled and my knees buckled, studying every book my father got me until I got headaches, managing my food for me and so on. I looked around me and I felt my dull walls closing in on me. I did what I could to keep Yeon safe but I also felt bad for locking her up in this place that was no less than a dungeon. But she made me smile, one of my first genuine smile in this home. I couldn't even remember the last time anyone thanked me for anything at all, not even Seo Hwi himself. I experienced that light feeling again as I made my way to the courtyard and I continued my training...but today I couldn't stop but looking around behind me in case I saw her again...

...and again. And again. In fact I kept looking out for a glimpse of her without even realising it. And watching her was giving me something to do in this miserable home, and it made me feel useful for probably the first time in my life. But I also had her safety to think about, so I assumed that I could stop at any time; what famous last words. It also took me a while to realise that I had even started staying home a lot more just so I had something to focus on, instead of chasing somebody who clearly wanted nothing to do with me and just getting drunk all evening for no reason. Her existence gave me purpose, and due to our previous relationship I knew all about her likes and dislikes before hand; even if her outward appearance had changed, her preferences, hobbies and thirst for knowledge hadn't changed at all. And before I knew it, we sort of began to exchange gifts and other items between us. I would send her my books and in return she would share the sweets she got from the marketplace with me and would leave it in my room in the most unlikeliest of places. I must have accumulated some good deeds in my past life to come across her in this one. But what could I do to make her fully trust me without gaining her memories back.

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"Is there a reason why you are here?" "I came to give you the testimonies of the last maids who are looking for an escape. What? Why are you staring at me like that." "You are more capable that I ever gave you credit for." "Obviously, I am..." "You were not like this before your memory loss . It is as though you have become a brand new person." "Is that a bad thing?" "I know this isn't easy for you to hear Yeonnie, but do not seek out your lost memories. You are living a much better life now than you could have ever imagined now rather than back then. Aren't you happy now?" "Something is missing, something that I cannot remember. I have a hole in my heart and mind that I cannot fill up because I lost my memories. It hurts. It makes me feel guilty and I have no idea why. It makes me cry and I feel like I owe someone, it is driving me crazy at this point. I cannot even sleep properly..." "I am sorry." "What for?" "That you are in so much pain." Seon-Ho was a lot of things, but I had never heard him sound so...sorrowful and guilty towards me, not like this. But what did that mean? Did he have something to do with what happened to me?

"Do not look at me like that." "I...why are you laughing at me?" "For survival, I have had to hurt a lot of people around me, some that I barely knew at all. But you are someone I have known for almost all of my life and I cannot for the life of me read you or what is on your mind at all. It is beginning to drive me crazy." "Are you saying...that you only feel safe around people that you can read? And manipulate?" "Does that scare you? About me?' "It is unusual, but no. nothing about you scares me at all." "Are you sure about that?" "Yes, but that also does not give you the right to..." "to what exactly? Act like a hypocrite and break the no-contact rule that I put in place between us in the beginning? Why are you looking at me like that?" "I envy you, for saying what is on your mind." "You were the one who taught me how to become this way. You are only formal around me because you cannot remember me. But take a look at me, can you really no remember anything about me at all? Not even a single detail?" I barely had time to answer him before he took me by both of my arms and pulled me into his wide chest. And for the life of me, I did not know what to do, especially when he tightened his grip on my arms so I could not move even by an inch. So what else could I do but to finally take advantage of this...strange situation once I had managed to calm myself down a little. I looked up at him and I took in every single detail of his face that I could...

But just as quickly as he pulled me into him, he also pushed me away on the floor in fact and turned away from me as if he was panicking about something. I didn't even care about the bruises that I had gotten from this incident, I just wanted to know if he was alright or not. But he didn't let me near him again, in fact he suddenly charged at me and grabbed me by the arm and dragged me back to my quarters in utter silence. What was happening? Why was he always like his around me? He constantly caught me with his intense stare before pulling me in and pushing me away like he did. But no matter how hard I thought about it, I could not come up with a single answer. Because of who I was, there was absolutely no way that he...he and myself...I mean, yes I was confused about my feelings for him the moment he gifted me this flowers, but that didn't mean that he felt the same way about me...right?

"Young Master? Young Master? What are you..." "I will call you for your day out like I promised. In the meantime, do not leave your quarters and do not look for me, do you understand me?" "Have I done something wrong? I am sorry if I offended you, but please do not lock me up! Please!" "It is for your own good. I am doing this to protect you." "From who! Tell me!" "From myself." Those were the only words that I heard before I watched his shadow walk away from me without even looking back at me once. And as if that was confusing enough, I suddenly burst into very angry and hot tears that almost burnt my skin as they tricked down my face. And why? Who was I trying for? For him? Or myself? Or our past that must hold all of the answers I was looking for between us? How should I treat him now? How did I in the past? Did I like him? As strongly as I thought I did now? Did I chase him around like a lovesick puppy? And why did he always stare at me like I was the only person in the world that he could see? Wasn't I a penniless orphan? Wasn't I disabled? Was he forgetting all of that just because I hadn't had a single fit yet since I found myself locked away in this home? Did he even realise what he was doing to me? Or not? Should I test him? What else could I possibly do without my memories?

"Let us start making provisions for the soldiers." That was all I could focus on at the moment to distract myself from questions that I had no answers for at the moment. And. It wasn't like I was going to be able to get any sleep anytime soon. In fact, I wanted to expand my skillset whilst I could; embroidery, painting, singing, I wanted to know all of these etiquette coaching just like the other noble women so I didn't feel so...different all of the time. I was barely 18 years of age and I had already successfully completed a huge task that most married woman struggled to deal with all of their lives. And I was obsessed with books and learning whatever I could, even more than the Nam master's themselves. I wanted to feel like a woman for once instead of a man who always took charge for the sake of others.

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"What are you doing Young Master? Weren't you supposed to keep your distance from her at all times?" "I cannot help myself, not around her at least." "Talk to me." "About what?" "About her; you have always confided in me about everything, but even I cannot read your behaviour around her. It is like you become a different person...." "I am the monster of this village; I always have been and I always will be. Even she cannot make me forget that." "Then you know what you must do." "I will give her the day I promised her and then leave her in her quarters until I free us all from the real monster." "Young Master!" "Yeon is an orphan, I cannot just abandon her so bluntly!" "Abandon her? It sounds like you are looking for reasons to hang onto her." "Give it a rest Dal." "And what about Hui-Jee? Haven't you already confessed your love for her? And she is in a far more better political situation than some orphan..." "exactly." "Excuse me?" "Hui-Jee is in the centre of all of these plots and schemes I have. But Yeon isn't. In fact, she couldn't be further away from it all even if she tried." "You cannot look at her as you're freedom, you knew what you were getting into when your father..." "I didn't know a damned thing, and nobody knows that better than you." "End this madness and compensate her brother by giving him his sister back. Woo your woman in the meantime and work on the next phase of our plan until your father is hanging by a rope as a traitor to this nation. And keep Yeon out of the way until then. That woman is smart, far too smart for her own good. Young Master?" "I know, I will never abandon this lifelong plan we have come up with. But I need something from Yeon's quarters to keep us apart until then." "What is it?' "Bring me her perfume bottle." "Young Master?" "Do not look at me like that, I need a reason to rid myself on the combine and jealousy amongst women usually works the best, right?"