Chapter 105: Milgo Dang-Gigi (Push & Pull)

I don't know why I did it but for some reason I found myself waiting for him from the moment I retreated to my room for the night. It took me about an hour to get ready tonight and all I could feel was his eyes on me every single minute. I waited for him for an hour myself as if to make up for the time he had lost just watching me, and I was still sitting in the same place waiting for him when he finally opened my doors as stealthily as he could. I was in a solemn mood from all that had transpired today when I realised that men who would once ridicule me for my illness were now actually willing to look past it to sacrifice their own needs...and now I was afraid...of Seon-Ho the most. I had thought for the last 4 years I had I legitimate excuse to keep him at bay to protect him from the trouble I alway kept attracting but here he was in front me now after everything I had done to keep him at bay. Nothing was working at all and I could no longer reason with him as he began...to undress me as I just let it happen. I was almost used tonight to break up a family that I didn't know, so god forgive me for wanted to feel...loved for simply being myself.

"Did you wait for me" he asked me in a gentle tone that I had never heard from him before and it was doing something to my heart that I wasn't used to. "Why are you here?" "How can I sleep at night without making sure that you're ok and safely tucked into bed?" He sounded like was in a rare mood himself. I thought I had now seen everything from him, but I had never seen him...gentle like this, not to this degree, not even before I lost my memories.

I was temporarily broken from my chain of thought when he not-so-gently turned me around to face him as he began undressing me with his eyes slowly burning into mine. He didn't even look at my naked body when he undressed me, his eyes were fixed upon my face and nothing else even when he grabbed my nearest garment and started dressing me with that as if we were both entranced with each other. "What do you want me for?" "What do you mean?" "Men court me now, they pay attention to me now...but it's all for their own selfish desires. So what do you want from me? Why won't you leave me alone to find better girls?" The minute I said those words he actually looked...horrified before composing himself once again...but he had started digging his nails into my arms as if to inflict me with the same pain that I just gave to him. "I want you...because you're playful...and because you're younger than me which is actually appealing to me with the body you have..." "what do you mean 'with the body that I have?' You have never seen my body before, not even now in this moment." "Is that what you think, Seo Yeon?" He sat me down at this point and began wiping off my makeup and undoing my hair before brushing it out. "We've lived together for 4 years, you have no idea what I've seen of you. And we did spend a night together. Or 2" I wanted to slap him right there and then but instead I had began to tremble in fear as he kept getting closer to me until he had his whole face buried into my hair...and he 'helped me to understand exactly the effect I had on him' when he grabs dry hand so violently that I thought he was going to snap it off and put it....

"Stop it." I whispered, already shuddering under his touch. "Why? You think I want you for an ulterior motive right? You're not wrong you know." He whispered into my hair once again before he lay on my bed and made me fall into his embrace...where my lips just happened to fall onto his...and he wouldn't let go of me until he was done before he abruptly stood up. "You have no fucking idea how lucky you are that things between your bother and myself are not fully settled yet, otherwise I would have had my taste of you over and over again years ago." He stated arrogantly before making his way home to his room, while I stayed in my bed and I kept tracing every single part of my body that he dared to touch without my permission or my brother's blessing as if he owned me until I feel asleep...and then woke up and regained my senses when I secretly watched Hui-Jee getting ready in a more sophisticated manner that I ever could.

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At this point I had no idea who was keeping a distance from whom. I had been so brutally rejected from women my entire life that I guess I had gotten...scared as soon as I touched her. I did have desires for her for the first time in my life but Yeon wasn't someone I could...defile so easily and especially before marriage. I was scared...even thought I had well thought out in my mind everything that I could possibly do but...what if I did it wrong? What if I hurt her instead? What if I couldn't...please her at all?

Only Yeon, I swear only that girl could make my face my insecurities like this and still want to try. So I figured that if I couldn't make her become my lover right away...I could at least become something else to her in the meantime...like a tutor? I had noticed her open books and her self-composed essays that no one would look at apart from her tutor...

I waited for her when she woke up as I had gone through most of her writings, which were honestly really quite impressive. Even I was stunned at the level of intelligence she possessed...if she wasn't a woman she could have had a very prospering career in the palace in whichever field she chose with guaranteed promotions. She would have been one of the best students as well...if they allowed teaching girls alongside boys and if they were given a proper education like us, and not the wishy washy futile women's education of only knowing how to become a proper wife. I had always considered women to be equal to men at least in a few aspects..but Yeon was already opening my mind to a lot of possibility that I had never considered before. I wanted to change this nation completely and pull us out from the decedent traditions that were holding us back. maybe...just maybe...giving out a proper education for women wasn't such a bad idea..."

"Hey! Who said you could rifle through try work! Just look at the mess that you have made! Seon-Ho, you had better pray that you kept everything in order or so help me god...!" "If you keep your head on, I could calmly point out your mistakes you know." I replied loftily, knowing that it would get her attention. "Mistakes? What mistakes have I made? Are you sure you're not drunk old man?" She teased me indignantly as I could not restrain my laughter. I had never seen her so...haughty before...it really didn't suit her at all so I couldn't help but double over in laughter. "What are you laughing at! What?! And tell me what mistakes I made?" She wailed at me, and it really took me a long time to compose myself. "So...if I show you the mistakes you made are you really willing to learn? It's not like you have anyone else to teach you...and I did go to school you know..." "I know I didn't make any mistakes..." she grumbled. "Well, ok then, if you're happy with your work staying in that state..." I barely made it out of the door before she almost wrestled me inside.

"You heartless brute...show me the mistakes I've made!" "Are you sure? What about your chores?" "I can take care of them later." "And you're meeting with your tutor? I'm only available today you know..." "I can reschedule. Now...sit down and show me."

To be truthful her work was flawless, to the point where even I was surprised. But I could never get tired of watching her do something with this amount of passion within her. She was so lost in her work "that didn't follow school standards" that she didn't even notice that I was practically molesting her under her clothes to get over my fears...and I was very pleased to find out that I was entirely wrong to be scared at all. She in turn, was so comfortable with me that she didn't even realise that she was practically on my lap at the end of our session and I had stopped talking long ago as I was so absorbed with her I was practically using her to ease out my...sudden rigidness whilst I had my hands up and down her clothes...until I could hear her brother's have footsteps make their way towards us just in time as well...

"Where have you been all day Yeonnie?" "Your annoying friend kept critiquing my work so I had to mend it." She replied nonchalantly as she was still absorbed in rectifying her work. "You've been doing this all day long? You haven't even had breakfast and it's past lunch time. And you're still dressed in your sleeping suit you un-tamely brat!" "I don't need to worry about that with him. We lived together you know." She replied still lost in her work.

He just shot me a dirty look that I couldn't avoid in time as he sat down right in between us. "Oh really? So now that you're both here, I guess you wouldn't mind me asking how you spent your time together under one roof?" I instinctively threw him a small punch under the table that were placed around which was the most stupidest thing that I could have done in that time. Yeon, who looked so happy for a few hours had now seemed to have regained her senses and put up her icy guard again. "Seon-Ho...kept me at a distance the entire time and indulged himself in gibangs whilst I just kept to my room and got on with my sewing." She replied quietly whilst I could only play with my dagger under the table dangerously, inflicting myself with wounds when I heard the hurt tone in her voice that she was trying to cover up playfully. If I had a chance to go back in time I swear I would...

"My father threatened me with your sister's life if I went anywhere near her. I had nothing else to do but find comfort in alcohol." I whispered bitterly "so don't you worry, I treated her exactly the same as I have done this entire time." And with that I left to go home, forgetting about the trail of blood that I was leaving behind me...as if anyone cared about it at all.