22 ....

Dear ....,

You know I'm almost not surprised Bubbles left my life as well. I'm not a good person and I acknowledge that, but I don't know how to change it I mean how do you change something that you don't fully understand or even fully aware of.

I'm aware the day would come and I'm aware it was my own fault. And honestly I'm sad, not angry just sad. I mean other than that my life is great, amazing and loving boyfriend who does anything and everything for me. Amazing mom who also does a lot for me.

At this point I don't feel like I need friends except the ones I have. I don't want to get close with anyone else, because I know I'm a bad person but it's impossible to help someone when you don't complete each other in some way. The people I have are the people I need, my mom, my grandpa, and my boyfriend.

I lose them and it's really over for me.

I've been disassociating a lot lately, usually when I'm dreaded with silence or when I'm not talking to him (my boyfriend) I don't enjoy the silence.

Oh, it's raining. It's just a sprinkle but at least it's raining. Anyways it's summer vacation now, I'm happy the year is over. But I'm not exactly excited for the coming year either. I dislike high school, I dislike the school, I dislike the people, and I dislike the lack of energy I have when forcing myself out of bed everyday.

It brings a soft smile to my face knowing I get to stay up late and sleep in everyday for two months. The rain is soothing, it's calming my raging anxiety. My anxiety hasn't been terrible it's mostly tics but the shaking and twitching is getting unerving. He got me a weighted anxiety stuffed animal which I'm really happy about.

I also have bangs now, they look better than my other hair style which didn't look good unless my curtain bangs were styled a certain way that was difficult to achieve. Lately I've been feeling more self confident in my appearance. He praises me for my looks and my body while maintaining a healthy mental relationship. (Don't worry he's not a player). The bangs add another boost of confidence, and I seem to be getting a little curvier.

I can agree I am a attractive woman. I feel as though I really am what I say I am, if I feel ugly I don't feel human. If I'm confident I feel human.

Is that a strange way to feel?

Yours truly,

Tomie Grayson