Going Out To Cool Myself Off

"Fool! If you want me to believe you, give me solid proof! You know me pretty well, don't you? You must know that I wouldn't believe such bullshit easily!"

The loud voice by him gave me a little jolt. I saw his face that was showing merciless fierceness, then being cooled down gradually, and there was no longer showing the slightest tenderness. It seemed to crush all the feelings I had into small pieces, but I was stupidly still gathering the shattered feelings and painstakingly putting them back together.

When I stared at him deeper into his eyes, a sharp glint flashed across his eyes. He didn't show any expression, but his cold glare was even more terrifying than before and prickling my heart like a needle.

I was still frozen in startle. Those words confirmed that there was no more belief in his heart, even it was obviously visible in his eyes or it might be longer since it disappeared from him. This situation truly made me unable to process all the questions that kept spinning in my head.

What kind of proof does he want to? How do I prove the truth while it can't be proved by the words?

I had told the truth after all. He just let the anger control himself now as if he became a slave to his own anger.

"Chunghee, you want me to believe you, right? So give me proof!" Donghwa shouted louder than before.

Because of that shout, my senses returned, and immediately realized that he had really gone too far. I was angry and hurt, but I continued to endure all of them and spoke with a slightly forced gentleness, "My words are sufficient proof. I never lied to you about something like this. I won't do that. How can you think of me like that?"

"Look, you know, till this time I still love you so much. If you complain about something like that to me, may I also complain about the same thing to you? Can you guarantee that you're not playing with someone else out there?"

The feeling of disgust made me have to say my words. He accused me of something without the truth, while he had been doing the shameless things behind my back without realizing it or even pretending to be a fool, who didn't know the difference between cheating and friendship all this time.

It was unfair to our relationship.

As soon as I finished my sentence, he immediately pushed me against the wall and choked my neck. He widened his eyes that showed blazing anger while pressing my neck with great force. "What the hell do you mean?! Now you're accusing me? You cheap slut! You're no different from the sluts out there, who don't know that how dirty they are! Now, you've ruined my mood."

Hearing those words, I was startled and frozen in disbelief, glaring at him with sadness that looked pitiful on my face. I felt so much pain in my feelings that I didn't feel the pain in my neck from the firm grip of his hand against my throat. My tears rolled without knowing it, falling slowly and wetting my face more and more.

His words were like a beautiful curse, ringing in my mind and never going away.

With a misty gaze, I stared at him silently, as if the man who was standing in front of me right now wasn't someone I had known for many years. There was a big difference between Donghwa as a student in college and Donghwa as a president of a well-known company. I didn't know, whether the kindness of an innocent young man from the past was still present in a president who always considering himself to be the most dominating person, or there was nothing left as it was erased by time.

We might be too naive.

At that time, we were two young men who didn't understand anything, doing all those kindnesses selfishly, only for something called 'love' that we didn't know what it was as teeners. It was because of our pigheadedness so that we became two plain, stupid boys who loved each other because of naivety back then.

We used to hold hands and exchanged affections, but the fact after ten years had passed was like a slap on my face. Now, there were only fights during three years, which either brought our relationship to an end or it was indeed over.

After a long silence, swallowing all these sorrows of the years, I spoke in a weak and steadfast voice, "Donghwa, let go ...."

Seeing the sadness on my face, the tense and angry expression on his face slowly turned soft. There was worry in his eyes which was quite obvious, then he let go of his hand without saying anything.

However, as he didn't want to look guilty, Donghwa finally clenched his fists tightly, then spoke like a child who didn't want to admit his mistakes, "This ... I never meant this harshly to you. But, this is because you provoked me first. If you could—"

"Enough!" I glared at him with sadness and anger like a thick mist in my eyes.

"Chunghee, I—"

"I said, enough!" Still by an angry look, I continued, "You said that I was like a dirty slut who had ... ruined your mood — did I really ruin your mood? Or is it you, with your fleshy brain, which no longer has the lustful to see me? Then, why don't you just throw me out like useless trash then? ... Or do you wait for me to leave you first? I'll give you two choices. I'll do that or you will? I know that you have nothing to lose by choosing one of them, neither I. One day, you have to give me an answer."

I waited for him to speak up, expressing all of his defenses but he just remained silent without words. So, because of feeling exhausted by all of this, I immediately pushed his body firmly enough that he staggered a few steps back. I rushed to the door without saying another word.

I was tired for today. Not for my physical, but for my feelings. All the pressure inside of me was really testing my patience on our relationship.

I wanted to calm myself down for a moment. If there was a place where I could leave this world for some time, then I wanted to go there for a while. Falling asleep; forgetting all the pains I had; and coming back like someone who had not known the pain.

Before turning the doorknob, he suddenly took my hand while asking, with fear that he tried to hide in his words. "Where are you going? Don't... don't be so childish."

"I don't want to argue with you. I want to go out to take some air." I replied expressionlessly.

"What?" paused for a few seconds, he sighed heavily and spoke, "All right, all right, I'm sorry. Now listen to me, you can't go anywhere. Don't be stupid to wander around in the middle of the night like this. It's for your good. I'm mad, it's also for your good. It's because I love you so much. I don't want anyone to take the slightest chance to snatch you from me. Get it?"

All of this was crazy. Either he or I had gone crazy. He said those words as if he had never done anything wrong so far.

However, regardless of his words, I threw my hand, then walked out of this apartment while continuing to cry and enduring the pain in my chest.

Meanwhile, Donghwa followed me from behind with brisk steps. He called me several times and said many things behind my back but in vain. With all this sadness, I was no longer hear anything from him other than the groaning that I kept holding back but it heard obviously in my ears.

When I was about to enter the elevator, Donghwa suddenly pulled my arm and drowned me in his arms. "Chunghee, where are you going? I'm sorry about earlier. I was wrong, I'm sorry."

With all my strength, I tried to escape the immense strength that was entangling my body, by pushing his body and even biting him but he only heard grimace without letting go of his hands.

However, his words seemed to cut my feelings. "Chunghee, there is the CCTV here, don't embarrass me."

Even though it sounded painful, I couldn't feel anything, and spoke in a low voice, "Then let me go if you don't want to be embarrassed by me. I just want to calm myself down for a moment. I don't care what time it is, I just need to be alone."

Suddenly his face turned furious. He glared at me, then pushed my body into the elevator. "Okay, just go! Don't nag me if something happens to you out there."

Before the elevator's door closed, I kept staring at him while clutching my chest with the pain inside. Even if he still had that feeling of 'love', his eyes didn't show me that love but there was only cruelty flashed by.