81 I'm sorry

I really don't understand it. I usually have my emotions under control, but I m especially sensitive lately. I wanted to snap at everything. Shout at everything.

It's not good. I wanted to have at least a few good memories with them at this moment. Not me lashing out.

I took a deep breath and faced my father again who appeared to be slightly shaken by my shouting but laughed after staring at me for a few seconds.

"Hahha. Sean, don't be like that. Hic! You know what? You should join me for a drink," he said which for some reason, irked me a bit.

"But father, you're already drunk. That's enough drinking for you," I told him but he only brushed me off.

"Nuh-uh! I'm not drunk at all! Look!" As he said that, he stood and walked across the room. Probably trying to show me that he was walking straightly to prove his point but he was far from walking straight. In fact, he was wobbling and was using the wall for support. Clearly, he's not in his right mind right now.

'He's helpless.'

I didn't know how many times I sighed already since the moment I entered this room. And I don't think there's anything I can do about him at this moment.

Sigh!

"Father, you know what? I really think you should just go to bed already."

"Hmm?"

"C'mon. Here! I'll support you." I told him as I wrapped my hands around his waist and put his other hand over my shoulder.

"Hic! Don't need it. I can walk," he protested.

"Can't you allow me do this much at least?" I asked but I didn't get any clear answer from him except for his nonsense blabbering about how useless he was.

He's already passed out when we reached the bed. And out of annoyance, I threw him on the bed, but I immediately regretted doing that as soon as I saw his condition. He has totally neglected himself.

Though it was slightly against my will, I tried wiping him with warm water and changed his clothes. He stinks! When was the last time he showered?

And while changing him, a thought suddenly came into my mind. My father was a wreck when our mother died. He was devastated. He'd totally lost all the confidence to bounce back again that he started leaning on me as well as the eldest in the family and the sole breadwinner. I wonder how he felt when saw me on my bed, about to die as I took the liberty of taking my own life.

Was he sad? Was he surprised? Was he angry at me? Nah! He must surely be heartbroken. And the worst feeling was that it was I who broke his heart all over again.

'I was so stupid.'

As I was thinking that, the scene that I saw one time when father saw my body bathed with my own blood and vomit. Luca and Dylan were wailing their hearts out at the corner. Father was carrying me in his arms, desperate not to lose me. How traumatizing was that for my brothers? How about to father?

At that moment, all the strength left my body as I felt my knees become weak and collapsed to the floor. I brought both my hands over my mouth to stop my sobs from being heard as my tears flowed nonstop.

That night, I allowed myself to cry. Would that make me less of a man? I don't care. But that night, my heart was filled with too much regret that it was overflowing. I felt like I would explode if I didn't let it out.

And from where I was, I crawled towards my father and hugged him.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, father. Your son was stupid. He's not responsible at all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeatedly said. I wish he was awake and in his right mind right now. But if he was, I don't think I would ever have the guts to say this to him.

While doing that, I didn't notice that my two brothers were peeking from outside the door.

"Sean?"

"Are you okay, Sean?" I only noticed when they both spoke at the same time.

They cautiously pushed the door open but only halfway. "Can — Can we get in?" It was Luca. But before they could even say anything else, I threw myself towards them and pulled them into a hug. Wrapping my arms around their tiny bodies as tightly as I could and repeatedly said sorry. For some reason, whenever I try to say why I'm sorry, those words just won't come out of my mouth.

They're probably confused as they didn't react immediately but they soon hugged me back. While Dylan was slightly patting my back. I don't know but that only made me more emotional.

When I felt like my eyes finally ran out of tears, I hugged them even tighter before opening my eyes. But what greeted me weren't Luca and Dylan. Instead, it was Karl. Looking at me as blood drips down from his wrist.

I'm no longer at our house and was at Karl's apartment. I'm confused about what was happening but at the same time, the way Karl looks at me right now didn't seem to be the usual him.