Thought

I think it's fine to die anytime, but I don't want to die. So I live on—

How many people think this way, I wonder?

My student days ended, and somehow I got a job and became a "working adult."

But sometimes I think, what's left of my life now? Just killing time, right?

Some may think "what's a guy in his early 20s saying," or "that's just your narrow perspective." 

Others may get angry and say "you can think that because you're happy."

And they'd be right. When told so, I agree too. It makes sense when said.

For a time, I'm convinced by those words. Normally in daily life, I'd never think this way.

Yet it remains deep down. I wonder why.

On reflection, perhaps because it's a feeling I came up with and realized myself.

I've had this experience. Doing my utmost in job hunting, worrying, practicing, and preparing. 

Thinking back, that may have been the very first time, though I can't recall exactly.

Anyway, I felt that desperate job hunt was stupid.

Why am I so desperate? What will come of continuing this?

That's when I realized—I was just going along with everyone, job hunting without real intent.

Or rather, I felt obligated to job hunt.

Despite how negative I sound, this thinking at least saved me. I don't think it's wrong.

Thinking I could die anytime puts my mind at ease. Not that I want to escape.

I don't get shaken by trivial things or struggle with worries. On the contrary, I feel I can do anything, and clearly gain more self-confidence compared to before I thought this way.

Ironically, my life has gone better since then.

Is it really going well? Maybe it's just a change in mindset, and nothing is actually different.

But a change in how you see the world—that must be what people mean.

I just had a thought. Doesn't looking at the vast ocean make you feel tiny? It's probably a similar feeling.

Going back a bit, despite thinking all that, I started a part-time job. I needed money to live.

After that I found a full-time position. It happened to be at an IT company, but that's irrelevant. 

Incidentally, I was really surprised at my second job hunt.

I felt almost no impatience or nervousness, and spoke confidently in interviews. I could even answer unexpected questions.

At the time, I was thinking things like "I'll never see these people again, it's some company I won't join anyway," no matter what I was told or mistakes I made. But beneath it all was the thought that I could die anytime.

As a result, I got offers from all the first 2-3 companies I applied to, when I hadn't gotten any in my first job hunt.

Funny, right? Without thinking ahead, I randomly chose one of them.

It's not apathy, or detached calm, or anything like that.

In this entertainment filled modern age, anything I try has some meaning and is actually fun, I find. My hobbies are probably more than average, right?

I'm happy earning money, and make efforts for that. I have ambitions too.

I don't dislike or am bad at work. Rather, I'm confident I can handle most things to some degree. 

I was born well-off and treasured by my parents. I have a lot of friends too.

I know anyone could have these thoughts at some point.

Only I came to think this way, looking down on others, believing I'm special—that's typical adolescent behavior. 

But...that's not it. That's wrong.

If asked if I'm uneasy, that's not it. Dissatisfied? No.

Depressed, futile, apathetic—I'm none of those either. And yet...

I can't find the answer.