Chapter 5

Once mass was over we left the church and waited for the don with whom we went to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants.

<< Look Wolfgang, we are at the "Fisherman. You're happy? >> asked Sofia;

<<If you have to give me more bad news, please do it immediately>>;

<<This time it's just a Sunday lunch with Don Andrea and Franco>> he reassured me by giving me a kiss on my moustache.

We had been in the restaurant many times, I remembered that it overlooked the sea, in fact during lunch I heard the sea waves crashing against the stones placed beneath us several times.

At the beginning I didn't want to hold back because I didn't feel like it, I would have liked to go home and listen to Chopin but I felt that Sofia cared a lot and I didn't want to be too much of a burden on her so I accepted.

Little by little the sound of the waves managed to put me in a good mood enough to make me momentarily forget my pain.

It was a beautiful day so after lunch we stopped for ice cream and a walk on the beach.

I couldn't see it but the smell of sea salt penetrated my lungs so deeply that it transported me back to the past when I could still bathe.

When we got home it was time for dinner, however neither Sofia nor I were hungry so we settled down on the terrace to observe the view.

<<There is a magnificent view here>> he told me;

<< I remember it very well, however the one in our house in Vienna wasn't bad either >> I replied nostalgically;

<<You're right, were you thinking about that today, in church? I saw distracted>>;

<<You discovered me>>;

<< Living on memories is never good, it was a good period of our lives but we have to move forward otherwise we will stop living >> said Sofia.

For the first time since I had known her I heard a note of fear combined with one of resignation in her voice and it made me worry because I had never heard her speak like that.

<< Is there something you want to tell me? Everything is fine? >>;

<< Everything is fine, why do you ask? >> she replied annoyed.

In her last words I had the confirmation of my suspicions and yet I didn't want to insist too much but I couldn't help but think that it was me, perhaps she was tired of being my nanny and wanted to escape from the prison to which my illness forced her.

Was it time to say goodbye? After all, it was right, why let such a beautiful flower wither if it still has so much to give to the world?

It wasn't fair of me so, with death in my heart, I had to let her go so that the whole world could appreciate her beauty.

<<So the time has come, right?>> I asked her;

<< What do you mean? >>;

<< I'm afraid the time has come to let you go and... >>.

I was about to finish the sentence but before I could, Sofia slapped me in the face, hard enough to make me feel pain.

<< Don't ever say something like that again, I love you and I will always do as I swore to do on our wedding day >>.

She got up from my legs and walked away leaving me alone to lick my wounds but I couldn't blame her, I deserved it.

Every now and then I used to bring up this abandonment thing as if playing the victim gave me some form of perverse pleasure but only now did I realize how much it hurt her so I decided to never say anything like that to her again.

I always thought that she was too much for me and I think I got defensive by telling myself that if one day she dumped me, I shouldn't be surprised.

I waited with uncharacteristic impatience for that moment so that I could begin to wallow in a river of despair.

If you think about it, it's crazy to do something like that and yet I had succeeded, but that evening he had said "I love you" to me and every time I heard him say it it swept away my fears, even if only temporarily.

They were rare gems that I jealously kept in the chest of my mind, they were the crown jewels of my life.

What would remain forever was our marriage and looking back on it now it was a really happy day, even my proposal wasn't bad at all.

After she said "I love you" to me at the Belvedere museum, I decided to ask her for her hand, but I had to be perfect.

Christmas was upon us and as usual Vienna was covered in snow, at night the show of lights combined with the snow made the city truly magical so I decided not to waste time, I had to take advantage of the opportunity to get the fateful "yes" from her.

On December 24th we had the day off but we decided to go to the museum anyway as Sofia's photographic exhibition was still ongoing and continued to be a success beyond expectations.

We stayed there all day and when the sun went down, when it was time to go home, I made my move hoping it would work.

With an excuse I made her go out to the garden side of the lower Belvedere and there, waiting for her, there was a path with all the photos she had taken when we were together, from the most recent to the oldest.

For last I had left the photograph in which we were together in Florence near the copy of David in Piazzale Michelangelo.

Meanwhile the sun was setting, creating a unique play of lights, making the atmosphere enchanting.

At the end of the path I was on my knees and in my hands I was holding a ring I had bought some time before in anticipation of that moment, my heart was beating like crazy but I felt I had to propose to her.

When she approached I looked her in the eyes, raising the ring to the sky, I took a deep breath and threw myself into the waterfall of fate.

<< Sofia de Medici, I loved you from the first moment I saw you and now the time has come to tell you how much I care about you therefore... >> and at that point I brought the ring even closer to her gaze;

<< Sofia de Medici, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? >> I asked her, trembling from the cold;

<<Oh my God>> were his first words.

She was amazed by that proposal, I had done everything to keep my intentions hidden from her but now she had to give me an answer.

She put her hands in front of her mouth and a few tears started to come out of her eyes but she hesitated to say yes or no.

Those seconds were interminable, they refused to pass while I was freezing so I prayed with all my might to receive an answer as soon as possible.

She was left speechless, she continued to stare at the ring without having the courage to touch it, it seemed like I was holding a relic in my hand.

<< I know it's not an easy decision but I would be grateful if you told me something because I'm literally freezing >> I urged her, showing her a smile;

<< Yes, yes, I want it. I want to be your wife >> he replied smiling at me.

Her cheeks were red from the cold and emotion, that color of her face made her even more beautiful especially because it stood out against the snow.

I slowly got up and put the ring on her finger, after which we kissed and went home where we continued the celebrations.

The following day we notified both families and mine was enthusiastic, my mother was already talking about organizing the event and my father was also very satisfied.

<<Good son, you followed my advice>> he told me;

<< I couldn't wait any longer >> I replied laughing;

<<She's a wonderful woman, you couldn't have made better choice>>;

"I know."

I never knew how Sofia's family took the news, I always thought they never liked me but at the time I wasn't very interested but if I think about it now I think they were hoping to pair their daughter with someone wealthier.

I never had a great relationship with his mother and father partly because we lived in Vienna partly because they were always busy traveling around the world due to their work but perhaps, if you think about it, they did it to avoid me.

The Christmas holidays were among the happiest we had ever spent, we spent them thinking only and exclusively about the wedding.

We decided to get married in the cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore in Florence, since Sofia lived permanently in Vienna it seemed right to us towards her parents.

However, it was an imposing church composed of a three-nave basilica body welded to an enormous three-conch rotunda that supports Brunelleschi's immense dome, the largest masonry dome ever built.

My mother was a little disappointed because she would have liked to see me married in the same church where she and my father had sealed their love, however the decision was made.

In mid-February Sofia took a break from work to return to Florence for wedding preparations and I joined her shortly afterwards.

Fortunately I had very few relatives, there were around twenty people who had to move from Austria towards Florence.

We got married on March 20, 2014 at 4.57 pm, that day there was a beautiful sun illuminating the event and the church had been properly arranged.

Externally the cathedral had been decorated with a cascade of gold-colored ribbons that reflected the sunlight making it sparkle.

The bells rang in celebration and their sound, carried by the wind, reached the most remote corners of the city.

I arrived well in advance and once there I waited patiently inside for Sofia's arrival who, like any good self-respecting bride, made me wait quite a long time.

While waiting I looked around, I was overwhelmed by flowers brought directly from the city of San Remo and a road of white petals submerged a red carpet that reached from the altar to the entrance.

The naves, inserted at the eastern end into a triconch rotunda, had been decorated with compositions of red roses.

From the altar where I was I began to stare at "The Italian clock" which was located on the internal counter-façade of the cathedral.

The white sectors of the clock were arranged radially around a dark disk where a golden hand rotated, in turn inscribed in a square where the four corners were filled with monumental heads of saints.

The hand followed a movement opposite to today's clocks, i.e. anti-clockwise, and was divided into segments that marked twenty-four hours indicated with Roman numerals and also marked the "hora italica", a day divided into 24 hours of variable duration depending on the seasons.

Sofia had explained it to me when we were in Venice because a similar clock is found in the Clock Tower in Piazza San Marco.

The more I looked at those hands, the more it seemed that time slowed down, it was as if I perceived it differently than everyone else present.

At a certain point the clock started to take on a strange consistency, in my head it was melting and with it the hands, stretching until it took on a strange consistency like jam on a slice of bread.

In reflecting on the relativity of time I noticed that it does not flow in the same way for men, animals and plants.

Everyone has their own vision of life and memories that go at a different pace, as did that soft and creamy clock similar to a good cheese to be enjoyed.

Staring carefully at "The Italian Clock" I understood that not everything can be calculated and monitored by technical instruments such as clocks and calendars, emotions, sensations and human experience must also be considered.

Until then I had always worried about the future and had tried to plan everything, but instead I understood that I had to focus on the present because it is the only thing on which man can exercise his will, acting and enjoying the moment.

I turned my attention to the entrance to the Duomo and although I was terrified of time slipping away faster and faster, I concentrated and immediately began to enjoy the moment.

Suddenly my anxieties vanished into thin air, suddenly my worries about Sofia's possible change of heart dissolved.

Finally I saw her appear on the entrance threshold accompanied by her father, that splendid and celestial vision lit a new light in my soul, dispelling the darkness of worry that had dominated there until then.

She slowly approached the altar dressed in a long pearl white silk dress and with a delicate veil of the same color covering her face.

The wedding march began to resonate throughout the cathedral, bringing me back to reality, the notes took over, enveloping the atmosphere with solemn majesty, warning the guests to get up.

It advanced slowly and the closer it got to me the more it resembled "The Angel with the Scroll", Bernini's sculptural masterpiece.

Just as marble loses the static nature of its weight, giving the statue a perpetual sense of lightness and movement, in the same way Sofia moved with a gracefulness that seemed to be transported by a cloud, like Bernini's angel.

The long train gave her white wings with which she flew towards me while the bouquet of flowers in her hands was the scroll on which was written the message of our eternal love that we were about to seal before God.

When she was in front of me I delicately removed her veil, my gaze met hers and she sketched a shy smile of satisfaction.

<<You are beautiful>> I whispered to her.

She didn't answer but there was no need, I immediately understood how excited she was, much more than I expected.

The service was long but pleasant and, after an hour, the long-awaited moment of exchanging the wedding rings arrived.

I had entrusted them to my dear friend Gerd, one of my wedding witnesses who, despite appearing to be a carefree and distracted guy, was actually a serious and reliable man, so much so that I would have entrusted my life to him.

<< Congratulations my friend >> he whispered in my ear, handing me the wedding rings.

My hands were shaking with emotion and when I touched them they seemed heavy like boulders, in that moment I felt the weight of the responsibility and the importance of the moment.

Using strength, I took the rings and placed them on the white gold-embroidered cushion placed in front of me, then grabbed the first of the two and put it on Sofia's finger, repeating the ritual formulas.

In carrying out that gesture of sacred importance, in declaring myself eternally faithful to the only woman worthy of hearing it, I understood how lucky I was.

For a moment I looked around and realized that the image of marriage seemed linked by a harmonious relationship of mathematical proportion.

As I put the ring on her finger I realized that the arrangement of those present in the cathedral was not aligned, the guests did not have rigidly balanced and symmetrical poses but rather more natural ones.

The cathedral was enveloped in a warm atmosphere while the guests exuded a wide range of interior nuances, giving it a special characterization.

I felt so overwhelmed by emotions that I thought I would faint at any moment.

<< Come on Wolfgang, you can do it. Stay calm and everything will be fine >> I thought repeatedly.

I looked Sofia in the eyes and concentrated on her splendid blue diamonds, they were the ones who gave me the strength to complete my heroic act.

When it was Sofia's turn I saw her more relaxed but during the wedding lunch she revealed to me that she had feared until the very end that she would be abandoned at the altar.

<<When you put the wedding ring on my finger I realized wasn't dreaming>> he revealed to me.

The rest of the function went smoothly after which we all went to lunch, that tension had made me hungry.

During the banquet I thought about how quickly the relationship between Sofia and me had developed, things had gone really fast and yet the story had ended with a happy ending.

The day was long and satisfying but also exhausting so when we returned to the hotel late at night I was relieved.

Once I entered the room I was overcome by a great feeling of relief, Sofia was mine forever and just as my father had told me some time ago, I was able to feel the same emotions as when he met his mother.

I didn't think I would succeed but here I was with that angel dressed in white captured by the hook of my love.

I sat on the bed letting myself be lulled by that splendid vision, I couldn't stop looking at it and the more I stared at it the more I wanted to abandon myself to it.

<< Is there something wrong? >> Sofia asked me as she took off her wedding dress;

<< I want to immortalize this image in my memory so that I can keep it forever >>.

The following day we said goodbye to our relatives and left for our honeymoon, for the occasion we had chosen Rome.

Both of us had never been to the Vatican Museums so it seemed logical to take advantage of it to visit one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

When we arrived, the first thing we did was go to the hotel to unpack our bags, then, with Sofia armed with a camera, we set off to discover the capital of Italy.

The first stop on our tour was the Colosseum, one of the seven wonders of the modern world, after which we went to see the Imperial Forums and from there we went to Piazza Venezia.

During the entire tour I was very amused by seeing my wife taking photos continuously, she looked like a little girl who had just received her new toy and didn't want to give it up for anything in the world.

We had lunch in a delicious restaurant in the city and then set off to discover it until the evening when we returned to the hotel.

The following day we finally went to the Vatican Museums where we stayed all day, Sofia's father knew the director so we had the opportunity to take a complete tour admiring all the works kept there.

It was a mystical experience, in my life I had visited some of the most beautiful museums in the world starting from the Belvedere in Vienna and yet the Vatican Museums exuded a magnetic charm, probably due to the strong spiritual and religious charge imbued in the place and in the subjects of the works of art.

The following day we continued our visit to the city and one of the moments that I will never forget was crossing the "Ponte Sant'Angelo" at sunset, a thrilling experience for the beauty and the impression it causes in people.

It seemed that those wonderful creatures carved in marble had life and moved in unison to welcome anyone who crossed the bridge.

I was taken aback by it and almost felt faint with emotion at seeing such divine acts show their beauty to everyone.

<< They are truly a magnificent sight >> said Sofia, taking photographs repeatedly;

<<You're right>> I replied looking around.

I looked at my wife and thought that she would have looked great next to the other angels on the bridge because she had nothing to envy of those divine creatures trapped in the marble, I wouldn't be surprised if one day she joined that parade of celestial creatures.

I was looking at one of the angels and was absorbed in contemplating its majesty when I suddenly felt dizzy, my legs trembled abandoning me and in the end I only remember falling to the ground before waking up in the hospital.

When I opened my eyes I was surrounded by a cold white light, Sofia was at my side but at first I thought I was dead.

<< Wolfgang, Wolfgang, are you okay? >> that angel who fell from paradise, sent by God to Earth to make me taste the sweet nectar of happiness, kept repeating to me.

I didn't have the strength to answer her but I noticed her angelic face disfigured by fear and I asked myself why, what dared to violate that temple of absolute perfection?

I don't know how long it took me to regain a modicum of strength but, suddenly, I saw another angel dressed in white appear.

<< I must be dead >> I thought.

<< Sir, how are you? Goes better? >> asked me what actually turned out to be a doctor on duty at the hospital;

<< I think so..., ... well... >> I stammered;

<<Are you okay?>> I heard Sofia ask the doctor;

<<I will come back shortly, when Mr. Wolfgang be at the peak of his mental faculties so I explain situation to you>> explained the doctor as he walked away.

His worried expression couldn't escape my ever-watchful gaze so I knew all was not well.

<< How's it going? >> Sofia asked me, still worried;

<<Everything is fine, I think it was just a fainting spell>> I tried to reassure her;

<<You collapsed on the bridge, you gave me a fright>>;

<<I'm sorry I scared you>>;

<<Now think about resting, let's hope the doctor doesn't bring bad news>>.

The doctor returned after a few hours, in his hands he was holding what must have been my medical records or the results of some tests that, most presumably, had been done on me while I was unconscious.

<<Mr Wolfgang, are you able to understand me now?>>;

<< Loud and clear >>;

<< Very good because you both have to listen very carefully, unfortunately I can't give you good news about it.

While he was unconscious, with his wife's authorization we performed tests on her and discovered that she suffers from a rare degenerative genetic disease.

Perhaps he had never noticed it because it is very subtle, it tends to hide behind common symptoms however now it is in an advanced stage and it has manifested itself >> explained the doctor in a tone of voice as calm as it was disturbing;

<<What can we do to cure it?>> asked Sofia;

<< Unfortunately now it is too late but the patient's life can be extended if the patient starts to lead a more peaceful and relaxed life, stress can often act as an accelerator of symptoms therefore I can only advise you to relax and live in a quiet place >> he replied showing a compassionate expression.

He turned and left the room followed closely by Sofia, I saw them talking outside my room but I couldn't understand what they were saying to each other.

When she came back to me she sat next to me and burst into a long cry, for the first time in my life I saw her in desperation.

<< Come on, don't do that >> I tried to console her.

I hated seeing her reduced to that state, I was her husband and I had to show myself strong however inside I was dead, my soul had just been overwhelmed by the train of destiny launched at full speed against me.

During the wedding I was in seventh heaven, I felt like I was in the Garden of Eden because I knew I had managed to realize my dream of love but now I had been thrown into the underworld of pain from which I had no escape.

<<It's not fair>> sobbed Sofia;

<< Life is unfair >> I whispered in her ear.

I took her and made her lie down next to me in the hospital bed and then tried to comfort her even though I didn't know if I could.

At that moment I showed a certain clarity because I hadn't yet realized what had happened to me.

<<Did you hear what the doctor said? No stress otherwise disease will accelerate its course so just cry, okay?>> I told her, wiping her face;

<< You're right, stress is bad. I don't know how you stay so calm after receiving such news, I envy you >>;

<< In reality I think I haven't metabolised it yet, when I do I will probably cry like a fountain but this is neither the time nor the right place to do it.

The truth is that it 's not me, nor you, no one can hit as hard as life does, so going forward it's not important how we hit, the important thing is how we know how to resist the hits, how we take them and if we end up knocked out we have to have the strength to get up again.

If we believe we are strong, we have to prove it because you only win if you know how to resist blows otherwise there's no match, life throws us into the dust without giving us the chance to get back up >> I told her to console her.

Sofia didn't answer but those words had an effect and calmed her down, I appreciated the fact that she was desperate for my fate because it meant that she truly loved me.

A few hours later I was released from the hospital and we returned to the hotel, at that point the honeymoon certainly couldn't continue so we decided to return to Vienna.

Sofia held my hand throughout the journey, she didn't leave it even for a second and it is one of the best memories I have of that period.

We decided not to say anything to my parents, at least for the moment we wanted to leave them alone, first we had to understand how to deal with it.

Spring had just arrived and it was still cold in Vienna but we used to take long walks in the " Wiener Stadtpark ", the city park of Vienna.

Even though the temperature wasn't ideal, we loved being there, it gave us a sense of relaxation that made us forget our problems.

We resumed work at the museum but I saw Sofia restless, I knew it was all my fault but I couldn't do anything about it.

Fate had struck and now we had to manage the situation to lengthen the course of the disease as much as possible.

We started discussing a possible move to another location, we both had good families behind us so money wouldn't be a problem.

We examined various locations both in Italy and abroad, however none of them seemed suitable to us, for one reason or another we felt we still had to find the right destination that would welcome us.

<<We have to make a decision, working at the museum is beautiful but also stressful and we can't continue like this>> he told me one evening;

<< I know but we still have to tell my parents and honestly I don't know if I will have the courage to do so >>;

<<You have to tell them, we can't keep them in the dark about something so serious>>;

"Okay, I promise I'll think about it."

After dinner I decided to take a walk alone, despite Sofia's objections I needed to be alone for a while to reflect on how to best deal with the situation but above all on how to reveal the illness to my parents.

<<If you have another collapse I won't be able to help>> Sofia told me, trying to make me change my mind about the walk but I was adamant.

I took my coat and went out, the air was quite crisp and once at the " Wiener Stadtpark " I quickly arrived near the " Stadtparksteg ", the arched bridge that connects the Landstraße and Innere neighborhoods Stadt .

The street lamps softly illuminated the entire environment making the atmosphere magical, it felt like being in a fairy tale.

I leaned my back against a street lamp and started thinking about the future, what would become of me and my marriage.

At first I wanted to cry out of despair but I told myself it wasn't appropriate to do so. What would I have solved? Absolutely nothing.

The illness would certainly not disappear and throwing myself into the throes of despair would only make things worse. Furthermore, I realized that Sofia had followed me despite my request to leave me alone with myself.

<< Come out, I saw you, you know? >> I told her;

<<How did you do it? I was careful>> she replied, showing herself;

<<You are not a secret agent, in the future you will have to improve if want follow me secretly>>;

"I'm sorry but I was just worried about you. I'm going now >> saying this she turned around to go home but I suddenly felt the need to have her next to me.

I took her for a hug and held her tightly to me like a child does with his favorite stuffed animal when he has to fall asleep;

<< Don't go, I beg you >> I whispered in her ear.

We remained silent for an interminable time, I was happy that he had followed me because if I had been alone I would have done something stupid.

<<We will face it together>> Sofia said reassuring me;

"I know."

We both burst into tears, I couldn't hold back any longer and after leaving her I sat down on the ground with my back leaning against the lamppost.

<<I don't want to die>> I said with my face full of tears;

<<I know>> Sofia simply replied, sitting next to me;

<<It's not fair, I'm still young and...>>.

At that moment I just wanted to cry and vent, until then I had refrained from doing so because I didn't want to show myself vulnerable in Sofia's eyes but I couldn't do it anymore.

I didn't care if he saw me as weak and fragile, I had to let myself go otherwise I would have exploded, I wanted to shout to the world how unfair life could be and how it had chosen me as a warning to all those who dared to challenge it.

The desperation, anxiety and fear in my body broke out in a single cry of pain and help summarized in my torrential crying.

me a while to come back to myself and when I did I saw Sofia smiling, not even a hint of the pain that had disfigured her during our stay in the hospital in Rome could be seen on her face.

<<What's wrong with you?>> I asked her;

<< I'm happy you let yourself go, it was time. I was afraid you would collapse on yourself and commit something crazy.

This evening I saw you vulnerable and you don't know how proud this makes me of you because the greatest act of courage that a human being can do is to show everyone his fragility.

Asking for help in times of need is a sign of great maturity >>.

That answer took me by surprise, I really didn't expect it, until then I had thought that I couldn't show myself weak because Sofia shouldn't see my fragility to which I blamed my youthful love failures.

I joyfully realized that I had married a woman to whom I could show the real me and this made me feel relieved, instantly easing the pain in my heart.

<< I haven't told you yet but this is where my parents met for the first time, I don't know why but subconsciously I knew I had to go back >> I revealed to her;

<< Really romantic >>.

We sat there on the ground for a long time, hugging each other like two teenagers in love and time seemed to stop around us.

<< Sorry for being earlier, I shouldn't have said those words to you, I was unfair. Wolfgang, Wolfgang, are you listening to me? >> I heard a voice in my head say.

A hand grabbed me and began to swing me and in a second I returned to the present dimension, forcing me to abandon Sofia under the Viennese street lamp.

<<I'm fine my love, I was just lost in thought>> I replied reassuring Sofia;

<< I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have >>;

<< I am the one who owes you an apology, after all this time I shouldn't question your feelings for me instead I continue to wallow in uncertainties, leaving them more space than they deserve >>;

<< I sent our favorite dessert from town so now let's go to the kitchen and seal peace, okay? >> he asked me leaning his head against my cheeks.

I recognized her silky but wet face, perhaps she had cried once she left me.

<< Fantastic idea, what are we waiting for? >>.

At that moment Simurg returned home and once he landed in my wheelchair he rubbed his chin on my hand as he used to do, all together we went to the kitchen for dessert.

Once we had filled our stomachs we went to the bedroom, the day had been full of emotions and I couldn't wait to have a nice restful sleep.

I closed my eyes letting myself be cradled in Morpheus' arms.