6 chapter 6

"Advisement: Not unaided; please don't… AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH !"

Halfway through HK's advisement, I threw him over the edge of the walkway, then sprinted five paces and hurled myself off the edge after him. During the first few seconds, I spread my arms wide and arced gracefully through the air. As gravity took a firm hold, I pulled my arms to my side. Dropping head first like a stone, the wind whipped my hair and robes violently. My internal organs dropped, but my grin was firmly in place.

Such a move might well be career-ending, without having a method of flight available. Personally, I had at least four, and only two of those were illegal.

I'd once given a group of condescending base jumpers the fright of their lives when I'd jumped off a bridge without a muggle parachute. They'd drunk themselves into a stupor a few hours later, though I understand that at least two of them checked themselves into a sanatorium after I waved to them through their hotel window later that night. The room was on the fifth floor, so some leeway needs to be given.

My eyes streamed tears behind my glasses as I plunged passed rows of flying cars, trailing after a tumbling robotic head. Despite my relatively aerodynamic profile, air resistance and flapping robes did slow me down somewhat. HK didn't have the same benefits and was slowly falling away. I gripped my wand tightly, extended an arm and summoned him back to me.

"Exclamation: Master, you idiot!"

"Have some faith in me," I hissed back incomprehensibly; Parseltongue is difficult to speak when your lips are being subjected to winds nearing two hundred kilometres an hour. I gripped my wand in my teeth and reached into another pocket.

"Objection: Master, humans cannot fly!"

I pulled out my Firebolt, which instantly grew to its full length in my hand. I slipped one leg over and instantly ceased being a human being in life-threatening free-fall and became an ex-Seeker in the middle of a very sedate dive. I took my wand out from between my teeth and stuck HK to the broom handle with a charm. I let my wand slide into its sheath on my forearm and replied, "I disagree. Observe."

With that, I arced gracefully around and into a horizontal glide, casually slipping around, under or over flying cars that drifted too close. Despite the much advanced technology, none of the vehicles appeared to be travelling all that much faster than the cars on English motorways in the early 21st century. At least, those few motorways not part of the usual contra-flow.

"Astonished Query: What are we travelling on?"

"A broom. I had it in my pocket."

There was a long pause. "Observation: Sanity appears to be in diminishing supply in humans these days."

I laughed at that. "You're not the first to think so after meeting me."

"Supplication: Please give me some warning before you do something like that. My circuits are not ready for such abrupt changes of circumstance."

I barked a laugh as I executed a barrel roll over the top of a flying car that looked like a convertible. The three-eyed creatures driving it almost lost control of the vehicle on seeing me. "Should I take it as a compliment that it's taken me less than a day to freak out a droid that likes killing?"

"Statement: Embrace your delusions, Master. Oh, there appear to be Jedi following us."

My mood dropped. I looked ahead to gauge how safe my current vector was before turning and looking behind. "Where?"Answer: There are some speeders behind us that are communicating with each other. They have been following us since you jumped from the ledge."

I had no idea what a speeder was, but there were three small vehicles flying in tight formation behind me - and the drivers were all wearing robes.

"How fast can those things go?" I asked, scanning ahead for an opportunistic distraction.

"Objection: It has been a hundred human generations since I was last functional, I am not familiar with the performance capabilities of modern vehicles."

Once again, I dropped my wand into my hand. I cast disillusionment charms on myself and the broom. Re-holstering it, I again took hold of the Firebolt and flew inverted under a large vehicle, out of sight of the three pursuing Jedi.

I pulled back and dove, trusting that my transparency, the bulk of the flying lorry and my sudden vertical plunge would throw them off my trail. I performed a high-speed slalom through three lanes of traffic perpendicular to their flow, then took a hard right and flew between two buildings that had no aerial traffic between them. In less than ten seconds, I was several hundred metres below my previous position and heading is a completely different direction.

"Observation: The Jedi are still following, Master. I suggest charging weapons."

I swore. "How are they following me? I'm all but invisible." I began to wish that HK-47 could speak English. The lack of swear words in Parseltongue made bleeding off frustration rather… frustrating.

"Advisement: Jedi can follow you using their minds, Master. They have no need to rely on their eyes."

I felt a sudden chill. "Mind powers? They're MAGICAL?" I shouted.

"Answer: A reasonable statement, given your primitive culture and limited understanding."

Sodding wonderful, I thought, ignoring the barely disguised insult. Well, there wasn't one wizard in ten thousand who could track apparition. Remus even once told me that it was impossible. Kingsley was the only living wizard I knew who had the skill, and he drove the Minister's desk these days. Well, the days I'd just left this morning.

He'd taught me the theory, but beyond those lessons, I hadn't really had the opportunity to apply the knowledge. Since leaving school, whenever I tracked my quarry, I'd paint them with tracer charms or use anti-apparition jinxes. That was much easier than attempting to arithmetically determine their escape destination. Let's see if these Jedi can do it. I slowed the broom to a standstill, picked a distant spot in the sky, and apparated there.

Despite what a great many wizards believe, apparition is not as easy as we were taught in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. The three D's cover how to actually force your body to perform an apparition, but in practice that only covers the skill required to travel a few steps to a hoop on the floor. The further you travel, the more things you need to compensate for.Anyone who is not prepared for the difference in air pressure when apparating to a different altitude could end up with lungs crushed to the size of plums or inflated to the size of watermelons. I once side-along apparated a Hong Kong Triad member to the top of K2 without including him in my pressure bubble. It was interesting watching him try to stop his lungs from forcing their way out through his nostrils.

Apparating without compensation to a place more than a few tenths of a degree longitude or latitude away from your point of origin means you'd better lean on arrival, and arrive jogging if you travel any meaningful distance along a longitude line. Intercontinental apparition is impossible for all but the most powerful wizards, if only because the ability to adjust to arriving at a forty-five degree angle and compensate for the Coriolis effect is not included in the curriculum of magical schools. Apparating from London to Auckland involves having to turn yourself upside down, adjust your body's trajectory by several hundred miles an hour and protect your lungs from swelling. And that's without how you go about avoiding appearing in the middle of a muggle street. Most people just don't bother, not when international portkeys are made by people trained specifically to do those sorts of calculations.

Aerial apparition adds another layer of complexity to an already difficult discipline. When you're pulling a couple of G's and rotating at different rates in all three dimensions, calculating how to even those out and apparate to an unmoving spot on the ground takes the sort of mental arithmetic that most people with a sub-200 IQ find a little overwhelming. I've never really had a major problem with it, though that comes from my instinctive knack for flight rather than any affinity for mathematics. Still, it's much, much easier to just come to a halt before apparating, as it reduces the chance of splinching by a couple of orders of magnitude. And without knowing where I'd go to fix a splinching accident, I wasn't prepared to risk it.

I appeared at the same altitude about ten kilometres away. Keeping the disillusionment in place, I dove down to the dense cityscape, looking to lose myself in the urban maze.

After several minutes of high-speed manoeuvres which put me back into a much better mood, I slowed down to a speed that enabled me to speak Parseltongue without an atrocious accent.

"Are they still following us?"

"Answer: Certainly, Master."

I sighed. "Where are they?"

"Objection: My limited sensor capability isn't enough to detect a small number of encrypted signals in the middle of Coruscant unless they are also close enough for visual identification."

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, feeling a headache coming on. "What?" I exploded. "Speak Parseltongue!"

HK-47 actually sounded annoyed. "Clarification: They are not close enough for me to find, Master."

"Then how do you know they're still following us?"

"Obvious Answer: They are Jedi ."I grumbled, "Wonderful," in English, but looked around for a suitable place to land. These Jedi apparently were a group of people with such a reputation for dogged determination that even HK-47 grudgingly admired them. I suppose I'd best make sure they didn't have a chance to follow. "Well, it's damned hard to track apparition, so I'll go with that," I said.

I touched down softly on a relatively deserted walkway deep down in the bowels of the city. The crowds didn't take any notice of a human-shaped shimmering in the air, a fact that suited me just fine. I found a space near a pile of rubbish where I could work.

I detached HK-47, shrank my broom and replaced it in its pocket. I hefted my droid head under my arm and concentrated, focusing on the corner of my warded den.

I appeared in the enlarged room with a soft implosion of air. Almost immediately, the entire room filled with dual agonised screams.

I had my wand out and aiming at a pair of robed females before I'd finished my swearing. Both were on their knees clutching their heads. They both appeared human - well, human-ish; I'd never seen another person on earth with pale green skin. Unless you include Hermione after our ride on Buckbeak to rescue Sirius. The other female looked much more like an Earth-human, with skin the colour of Italian coffee.

I stunned them both while they were down. Once I was sure they weren't getting back up and that no one was coming to help them, I slumped my shoulders and took a deep breath that turned into a massive yawn.

This was turning into a very, very long day. I'd probably been awake now for more than thirty hours. Battling for your life repeatedly tended to take the edge off fatigue while you were fighting, but over-charged your reserves accordingly once the danger had passed.

"Observation: Master, I appear to be experiencing some temporal and spatial instability. Since your idiotic leap I have found myself in different places without…"

"Spending the time to travel there?" I finished rhetorically.

"Answer: Yes, Master."

I waved my wand at the pair of stunned females, summoning their credchips, of which they had a surprisingly large number. "Don't worry, it's called apparition . When I apparate, I take us from one place to another using magic."

HK was silent for some time. "Query: Magic? Are you some sort of Force user? Primitive meatbags have historically, not to mention regularly, mistaken Force abilities for magic."

Satisfied with yet another moderate financial haul, I levitated the pair and floated them out the open door and into the rubble-strewn alley. "Normally, I'd say no. I've always called it magic. Is it possible that these Force users are using magic and just call it something else?""Contemplative: That is unlikely. The Force is measurable; practitioners have above average levels of symbiotics in their cells . Magic by definition is not. You have demonstrated abilities too dissimilar from any displayed by the Jedi I have encountered. My creator was one of the most powerful Force users in history, yet he could not apparate, or carry a flight-capable vehicle in a pocket."

I smothered another yawn. It was time to find some place to have a kip. This bolt hole was compromised, and I seriously doubted that I'd be welcome at the Jedi building. That is to say, I wouldn't be welcome to leave.

I vanished my conjured furniture and took HK with me out of the door. "Do you know of anywhere we could find a safe place to sleep?" I asked as I released the expansion charms. The sudden collapse of volume caused a massive gust of air and dust to be ejected from my short-term lair, ruffling my hair and cloak. "Comfort would be a nice extra feature, but not necessary."

"Answer: There are many on this world. Pompous and cowardly meatbags from across the stars reside here; there are any number of places that cater to such pretentious weaklings."

It took a few false starts and some practice, but I managed to get the speeder belonging to the pair of female Jedi started and heading in the direction HK indicated. My droid wasn't much help with the rules of the roa… er, air. He predictably suggested just blasting our way through the snarls and slow traffic.

"Statement: According to the public holonet I can access, the building ahead with the gaudy entrances is called the Intergalactic Hotel . It caters to the parasitic meatbags who claim to be working in the interests of their pathetic slaves."

I couldn't help but smile at my droid's vitriol. I suppose that if I was paralysed from the neck down and unable to do anything but talk I'd be just as caustic. In fact, I seem to remember the school nurse commenting as such on more than one occasion. I directed the speeder towards an entrance that was remarkably empty compared with the others on different levels.

A droid painted in the same garish colours as the hotel's exterior bustled over to the speeder as I drew up. It babbled something at me in the language HK called Galactic Basic .

" I am terribly sorry, but this entrance is currently unavailable ."

"Translation: All the other meatbags are using some other entrance. The wait time will be shorter here."

I nodded, moving past the hotel's droid. It squawked in alarm and raced around to stand in front of me again. " Please good sir, I can escort you to the nearest available functional entrance ."

HK sounded resigned. "Translation: Be a good human and go to another entrance where you can wait with the rest of the nerfs ."

I sidestepped the droid again and kept on moving. "I take it that wasn't a literal translation."

"Justification: I relayed the meaning of the message, Master. Some ideas do not convey themselves in literal translation."

"And what if, due to one of your accidental mistranslations, I ended up killing someone?"

"Insulted Indignation: Accidental!? Please, Master, give me at least some respect."

I took a deep breath. Yet more evidence that as useful as my droid was, his creatively psychotic attitude would need very careful management. At least until I'd managed to learn this language that seemed to be common. I stepped through the entrance to find myself in the middle of a one-sided Mexican standoff.

"Exclamation: What!? That's it; I cannot withstand this humiliation any longer. Master, please scrap me immediately."My eyes flashed over the scene, my mind a whirl with risk assessment and threat mitigation. Two dozen or so robots stood protectively arrayed around a thin, nose-less figure in iridescent robes. Despite the alien's, well, alien features, he looked smug; his hands clasped easily behind his back despite the myriad weapons arrayed around him.

The squad of droids were all identical, with deceptively thin limbs, a stout torso, and a bizarre neck/head that looked like a bent pipe. Each was armed with an identical weapon, one metal hand supporting the barrel, the other on the stock. Without exception, the weapons were pointed at an elaborately dressed human female.

The woman had her nose in the air, as though haughtiness was a replacement for armour. She had two bodyguards behind her, both frozen still with their hands on weapons that were pointed towards the floor. Around the main players in the unfolding drama were several small groups of aliens, almost all of which had their own security teams. A red-skinned chap with those head tentacles was almost having conniptions trying to get everyone to calm down. Everyone ignored him.

The smug alien ignored the hyperventilating fellow and spoke to the woman in Basic, his lower lip the only part of his mouth moving. " I'm afraid I cannot let such slanderous comments pass, Minister ."

The woman replied, her voice tight with tension. " Do as you will to me, Dod. My people will not suffer under the Trade Federation's invasion for long once the Senate…" Her voice cut off as, with a wave of the ugly alien's hand, each droid's weapon began to hum ominously.

" Lying again, Minister? I really can't have that. And it's Senator Dod, to you ."

" HK ?" I prompted.

"Summary: The Nemoidian with the appalling droids is threatening the human for lying about him. I suppose you are going to do something stupidly and unprofitably heroic," HK-47 said, a sullen sneer in his tone.

I blinked. Maybe his previous owners had a saving-people thing that annoyed him, but I'd never in my life heard any snake able to put so much emotion into its language. "No, what you meant about wanting to be scrapped."

When he answered after a small pause, he sounded a little less acerbic than usual; almost… satisfied. "Statement: Oh. These droids are atrocious. The fat bug's deplorable effort was insulting enough, but these execrable excuses are mass-produced. I cannot stand to see the degeneration of my perfection."

"Would it make you feel better if I destroyed them?" I asked, though I couldn't quite get the condescending tone I was after into my speech.

"Statement: Don't patronise me, Master; why would you bother?"

I shrugged. "I wouldn't. Not normally. But it doesn't look like we're going to get a room while this impromptu theatre production is going on."HK perked up a bit. "Agreement: That is true. Then by all means, Master, wipe them out."

I shrugged, and took a step to the side, exposing the entrance. With a flick of my wand, I summoned the 'pathetic droids' and banished out the door hard enough that they flew off the edge of the walkway and down into the vast depths of the city. They made oddly human shrieks of surprised panic as they flew past.

"There. Happy?" I asked HK-47 .

"Objection: What was that? Where was the unadulterated violence? Where were the explosions? The rending of parts? The screaming? Where was the fun ?"

I looked up to see the expression on the Nemoidian change. It was always fun to watch a bully suddenly come to terms with democratic equality. "I wasn't going to waste effort on droids as pathetic as you made out," I said defensively. "Besides, the guy over there with the head tentacles looks like he's going to wet himself with relief, and the ugly one with no fashion sense looks to be contemplating his mortality." Actually, judging from the looks the nose-less chap was receiving, I was mildly surprised that he hadn't made a run for it.

Oh, there he goes.

"He runs well for a guy in a dress," I murmured.

" Master Jedi! Thank you, thank you. Senator Dod was causing quite an incident. Thank you for your assistance. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wish to speak to a client? "

I sighed at the rush of unintelligible babble. " HK," I said wearily. "Ask him if we can have a room please."

"You threatened him, didn't you?"

"Objection: I most certainly did not!"

"Explain to me why he gave us this room then, and didn't ask for credchips ."

"Observation: He mistook you for a J edi, Master. A Master Jedi, in fact. Offering you even a standard room would have been ungracious."

I looked around the room. It was a large room. A large room full of empty space in a city packed to the proverbial gills. It was the height of decadence to have all this wasted volume.

Mind you, the one-eighty-plus degree views of the city scape were impressive. The hotel was one of the taller buildings in the area, and the luxury suite took up half of the top floor. There were familiar things in the room, but even they were oddly out of place.

There was a crystal basin filled with what, after long moments of contemplation, I decided was the local equivalent of fruit. That was to be expected in a hotel of this class, but the basin was levitating at my elbow, and followed me around the room. There was a fishtank in the bedroom, if a perfect sphere of water hovering in mid-air could in any way be described as a tank. There were actual fish-like creatures in it, happily swimming about and occasionally sticking parts of their anatomy out of the water. One looked like it waved a fin at me. I studiously ignored it.There were comfortable couches arrayed around an entertainment area - where a gorgeous woman explained in that common language the features of the room. Only she wasn't flesh and blood, she was a hologram.

Everywhere I looked, I saw things that had not existed just a day ago.

I rubbed my eyes wearily. I could work out what to do tomorrow. I drew my wand and set about setting up temporary wards on the door and the corridor outside. Once satisfied, I made my way to the bathroom, stripped, and stepped into the shower, taking only my wand, glasses and a potion vial. It contained a brew that would tempt NEWT students into killing to obtain a single dose, or at least raid their trust accounts.

It took a couple of tries to get the water flowing, and a bit of trial and error to get the temperature right. I stepped into the steaming stream with great relief, enjoying the sensation.

I stood under the water for a long time, letting my mind drift over the events of the past day. I felt myself get closer and closer to sleep, the warm water soothing the stress away.

Suddenly, over the sound of water drumming on my scalp I heard HK-47 shout, "Warning: Master! Intruder!"

I snatched my wand and glasses from the shelf in the shower and downed the potion. Instantly, my fatigue vanished as though I'd just slept for twelve hours. I wrenched the door to the cubicle open. Ron had been bemused at my habit of constantly being within arm's reach of both that potion and at least one of my two wands, but that very habit had saved my life at least three times in the past six years.

The intruder was waiting for me. Not preparing a trap, not holding a weapon; just… waiting.

A tall, powerfully built humanoid, he exuded menace. His midnight black clothes were tight around his wrists, ankles and waist, but billowed loosely in between, providing maximum concealment with minimal restriction of movement. A dark hood covered his head, leaving his face in deep shadow.

And here I was, dripping and naked, with nothing but a wand in hand.

Story of my sodding life.